Stay True To The Heart.

Someone Like You

2011-12-05T07:01:00.006-05:00

I had a nightmare the other night.

A few years ago, I would have not thought of such a dream as a bad one. But now, even thinking about it sends chills down my spine. Not the good kind of chills, but the frightening type. And try topping that off with a kind of anxiety where you feel like someone evil is trying to hurt you.

You see, I once knew a girl who I thought was going to be my wife. She turned out to be someone else. As a matter of a fact, she was never the person I thought she was. And yes, I take full responsibility for the made up fairytale that was once in my head. More devastating was the fact that I continuously played out this fantasy because of the encouragement that distance brought between us. The relationship was wrong in many various levels. It is what it is... and it was what it was.

Ultimately, she triggered a lot of negativity within me. I fell trap to my own demise, and she didn't help in letting me understand what I truly needed to ensure victory in my personal turmoils. To be fair, I didn't understand her either.

And to be precise, she only brought either pain or pleasure.

I missed the part where I was suppose to learn what love truly was, because in the end... she left me for another. And her reasons? Well, who knows. It never made sense to begin with.

So about that nightmare. Basically, I dreamed that I was put into a position where I needed to take this girl back into my life. Not just take her back as a friend, but as a lover. I freaked. I didn't want her back, but under the dream's circumstances, I was being forced to take her back. All the negativity and unhappiness started pouring into my mind. I fought hard to control my feelings because I knew that it would spell a disaster for my well-being if this girl was back in my life as a lover.

Luckily, I woke up. And right beside me was my beautiful wife. My best friend. The person who helped me understand that true love exists. The person who brings me joy. As she slept peacefully, I slowly laid my shoulder on her hand. And even though she was asleep, she started caressing me. It was like as if she knew I needed to be comforted in the wake of a terrible dream. :)

I've said this before, and I'll say it again... I'm glad that that part of my life is over with. And I'm glad that I was given the opportunity to walk away just in time, before my own manhood was to be thrown out from the face of the Earth. I thank God for bringing me through those experiences, because it is now a reminder of what unhappiness is, and that I can constantly remind myself of how wonderful my relationship is now.

As for that other girl, the embedded video below is her "swan song".

Aftermath

2011-09-08T08:38:00.011-04:00

The wedding was awesome. The honeymoon was awesome. Everything was awesome. Thank you to all the people who made our wedding day as beautiful as possible. You guys are all awesome.

Quebec (Canada) was awesome too. And Caroline and I are sure to go back there to explore more. I'm also looking forward to traveling to Europe. Since I am now an American Citizen, I am not required to have a visa to enter most European countries. How exciting. :)

Yet another new chapter in my life begins. :)

*****
Things have changed so much since "Yesterday". Seems like a lot of experiences I had when I was younger makes sense only in the light of today. And even with that said, I'm still making sense of a lot of things. At the end of the day, the leap that I had to make from a nervous little boy into a more sensible man was something that I would have never thought of if my experiences were made on a different path. Basically, to discover my own potential, and develop a sense of control over my state of mind is a "present" that I'd like to open, re-open, get excited about, and use, re-use, all the time.

It's like Christmas. But you get a gift that you can use over and over again, not only to help yourself, but others as well.

A few years ago, there were days where I would wake up in shear anxiety. It was not pleasant. I wanted my mornings to start off positively. But somehow, I would let myself drown in made up negativity. This stifled me. I did not possess a useful tool or skill to help me cope.

There was, however, prayer. That made a lot of things easier to bear. But chances were, I would end up drowning still.

All started to change when I met Paul. He was my psychotherapist. Yes, that's right, I had a problem and I wanted help - so I set forth to get some help. Like Frederick Douglass said, "I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs." It was the quote that inspired me to get off my knees and actually do something about my problems. Praying about it is only the beginning. Actual help starts when you use what God made available to you, which are RESOURCES. He opens the doors, but you need to decide to enter through those doors. So, get off your knees and walk to that door.

Only after several sessions did I discover my potential as a human being. I realized my worth as an individual. I also developed tools and skills to help me cope with anxiety.

God answered my prayers, but I suppose that He wanted to find out how much I really wanted His help. It's a good thing that I showed him by being proactive. If there was one thing I could change, it would have been the time it took for me to realize that I could have been proactive sooner. In the end though, I say it's still better to be late than never.

So do I still get my panic attacks? Yes. But with the new tools and skills I have acquired, they come rarely. And I mean once-in-a-blue-moon-rarely. I can't even remember the last time I had one.

This sense of awareness of one's self is amazing. It enabled me to wake up every morning free of anxiety. I am stifled no more!

I was once asked to wait in the sidelines, to ponder about staying faithful to someone who was going to hurt you by being with someone else... I realize now that that was utter crap. No one deserves that kind of beating. I'm glad I walked away just in time.

Renewing my journey led me to a new beginning. A better story. A better tomorrow. But above all, a better today.

Here's to life... Cheers!

For Whom The Bell Tolls

2011-08-18T14:30:00.001-04:00

Nope. Not the book.

Getting married tomorrow. :)

Happiness.

Engagement Photos

2011-07-25T07:49:00.003-04:00

I'm getting married in less than a month!!! :D

And here are some of our engagement photos. Courtesy of Sonia! (Click on them for Full View)

My New Build (PC)

2011-06-21T08:17:00.005-04:00

After more than 5 years of service, I've finally decided to give my MacBook a rest. It is now a secondary "work station", as I have put together a new PC. Yes folks, I'm back to using Windows.

Why didn't I just get a new Mac? Simple... it's because I miss handling computer hardware as much as I want to figure out it's software. And PCs give me more freedom to do that. So I decided to build a computer instead of buying a new Mac.

Here are the parts:
- Tower: Antec, Three Hundred Illusion, 4 fans (2 intake, 2 exhaust)
- PSU: Xigmatek, ACXTNRP-PC402, 80 Plus BRONZE certified, 400W (Max)
- Motherboard: Intel, DH67CL, w/ B3 stepping
- CPU: Intel, I3-2105, Dual-core, 3.1 GHz, w/ Intel 3000
- RAM: Crucial, CT2KIT51264BA1339, DDR3 1333 (PC3 10600), 8GB
- HDD: SAMSUNG, HD103SJ, Spinpoint F3, 1TB
- CD/DVD Burner: ASUS, DRW-24B1ST/BLK/B/AS
- LCD Screen: Acer, S201HLbd (ET.DS1HP.001), DVI, Wide screen, 20"
- Mouse/Keyboard: Microsoft, 5MH-00001

No speakers yet. Waiting on Logitech's Z-5500, 5.1 system. After I get that, I'll use my Logitech Z-2300 for the new computer, and hook up the new Z-5500 to my TV. It's going to kick ass!

I installed Windows 7, 64-bit version in the system. It took less than 5 minutes. However, updating the OS, and the drivers took about an hour and 20 minutes altogether. Still not bad!

I'm using Intel's integrated graphics through the CPU instead of a dedicated card. At least for now. Will upgrade later (if needed). Caroline and I don't play games on the computer, so this build is more than sufficient for the work the both us do.

I'm happy with this build. Still playing around with it. Trying to get acquainted with Windows 7. It's a decent OS. Apple still makes better Operating Systems, so I'm stuck with Microsoft's "best" (for now). But that's the price I have to pay if I want to mess around with hardware.

Overall, I'm really pleased with how smooth everything went. (:

School's Almost Out

2011-06-15T13:40:00.002-04:00

In 2 weeks, I'm going to be done with my first year of teaching. The little scholars never fail to remind me why I got into teaching in the first place. There's something wonderful about a person's face when their minds are being opened up as learning takes place... especially when the subject is Music. It's just wonderful. The kids get it. They can't hide their excitement like adults can. They just get it... they just do.

A few years ago, I wouldn't have thought that I would be going through cancer. It was definitely no laughing matter when I was diagnosed with Lymphoma. Although, I can say (at least for now) that I have the last laugh. The support that I received from a lot of people was really comforting, especially from my family and Caroline.

Now that I look back (even though it was only a couple of months ago), I can't imagine going through a disease as such without someone being beside me. The fact that Caroline was physically present to hold my hand and give me encouragement as I woke up everyday gave me the fighting will to keep on working and living. If she had gone to Illinois University for her Masters, I would have been stranded by myself facing an illness that is not as easy a task to be cured from. Even though she says that if she had gone, she would hold school off just to be with me. But the reality is, she never went. She stayed at Eastman. And it was a blessing in disguise, nonetheless.

I remember our Pre-Cana. We were a "mess". Tears were flowing down our cheeks as we read our assignment to each other, which was to write a love letter to our future spouse. I only have one word for that assignment - AWESOME. Both Caroline and I never knew how to start that love letter, and to be frank, we both started in a very different direction. She started off her letter without addressing the cancer-issue because she thought that our lives at that point in time was so focused on the illness. On the other hand, I started out with how I was already infatuated with her since my freshman year of college (I just never did anything about it). But as we read what we wrote for each other, truths came flying out that reached the deepest depths of our hearts. (Sorry... I sound sappy, but the occasion was just so moving).

We decided to keep those letters. It'll help us whenever we need a reminder of the love that we share with each other. It'll be nice to show our kids too.

In other news: I recently just installed my first mod! A K&N intake for my Chevy Cobalt. Adds about 4-6 hp, and increases torque by 5-7 lbs. Not bad! Took the silencer out as well, and I think my engine just breathes way easier than it did before.

My parts for a new PC build is also here! Going to work on it during the weekend. I hope it goes smoothly. Even though it usually does not. There's always something missing, and some parts could be DOA, or it could break on me after a couple of months. But regardless of the anxiety, I'm still looking forward to this build. I haven't built a PC in years, ever since I switched to a Mac! But it'll be fun. (:

Soccer

2011-05-02T09:34:00.003-04:00

Soccer is so much fun. Haven't played competitively in a while. I always miss the lads back in my 4 years of college at Eastman. But now I'm playing with the teachers at my workplace. It's really awesome to see us bond and play our hearts out.

I have a bruised finger, because the ball jammed it - playing goalie as usual. Caroline was there to watch the game, which put extra pressure on me to make better saves. haha

So I'm done with a personal tug-of-war between getting a new car and sticking with the one I have. Best to stick with the one I have and buy a cheaper, second hand minivan (to transform it into Caroline's harp mobile). That will save us more money.

Which means, I'm back to square one with my '05 Chevy Cobalt. Mods by the end of May; a present to myself. (:

Can't wait for the wedding! Almost done with the planning. I can't believe Caroline and I are planning this whole event by ourselves. Stressful, but worth it in the end. (:

An Open Heart

2011-04-05T14:48:00.002-04:00

There was a time when I didn't know how to listen. And to be honest, I still struggle to maintain a listening ear every now and then. My brain still rushes through explicit ideas instead of just having to lay down my defenses and expect nothing, in order to truly hear what another person has to say.

But something magical always seem to happen when I listen successfully... I get filled with a sense of wholeness as my heart opens.

I think an open heart starts with a listening ear.

It is truly great when Caroline and I can talk about how we truly feel about situations and interactions between us. It shows honesty, respect and openness.

I love her. (:

Life As I Knew It

2011-03-25T13:18:00.002-04:00

When I was younger, I thought that the skies were blue because of some magical reason that could never be understood, and that the clouds only seem to pollute the scenery. And I always thought that dogs and cats are secretly able to speak our languages, gossiping about us whenever we sleep at night. I was also convinced that a fly could rise up from the grave after having been swatted, somehow rejuvenating itself even with it's guts spilled out.

I would like to think that my mind is still as imaginative and limitless, not bound by the laws that govern our physical world. But somehow, I know that I've caged my thinking a whole lot more than I used to. And I find it hard to let my imagination fly whenever I get an opportunity to use it.

Don't get me wrong. I love physics. I just can't seem to undo what I've learned, and hope to be a little bit more creative outside the compounds of theories and laws that are supposedly scientific.

I need imagination and creativity to start my business. Wait... What?

Ah, how wonderful the human mind works, as the truth expresses itself after a long time of serving the monstrous 88-key, and setting myself up for educating and being educated, that in the midst of all the various journeys, I end up yearning to achieve more through another means of skill and mastery.

Now questions race back and forth...

What makes a successful business?

How do you start one?

What does it take to maintain one?

Am I for real?

Seriously, why can't I just be content?

Cancer-Free

2011-03-22T14:54:00.002-04:00

I am so grateful for all the thoughts, prayers, and well-wishes that came my way. Everyone's support gave me a little more fighting-will. (:

I can now say that I am a cancer survivor.

There were days where I didn't feel strong enough, but my will was lifted by the people around me! I can't believe that I went through this. Looking back, it feels like only yesterday that I was diagnosed with T-cell Lymphoma. And looking back, I feel like it was only yesterday that I had my last chemo-session and walked out of the treatment center with my chin up ready to proclaim my success over this disease.

The feeling cannot be described any other way but just pure joy. And to put an icing on the top of this cake, I saw my Dad cry - for the first time. He hugged me like as if I was just born. I cannot describe this feeling. I'm just... elated right now.

I have a new motto in life... if your life is on the line, GET A GRIP. Fight the good fight, and don't give in until it's truly over.

As cheesy as it may sound, I still remember wise words from an old friend of mine, "it always has a happy ending. If it's not happy, then it's not the end."

I'm so proud of Caroline and I. We went through it together, hands held, side by side like as if we were together for more than 50 years. There were moments in time where I thought I would fail to provide for her, and that I would fail to "love" her because of the disease. But at the end of each and every single day, I told myself that no cancer of any kind will ever take me away from her. And true enough, it never did - never will.

This trial has brought about many blessings. Thank you, Lord.

6th Round of Chemo

2011-03-07T08:50:00.002-05:00

This was two weeks ago. I'm over the side effects, and it was nice that the treatment session fell on winter break. I didn't have to miss work.

That was supposedly my last chemo session. I'm going for a PET Scan next Monday, and results will be out on the 22nd. I'm hoping, praying, wishing, and keeping my fingers crossed that I'm done with treatment for the results will tell me that I am cancer free.

Say a little prayer for me...

A Reminder To Myself

2011-02-07T08:48:00.002-05:00

There are many things that I should be thankful for, and I need a reminder of how beautiful life is despite whatever negativity is going on around me. Not trying to shy away from negativity, because confronting it will eventually be part of my life's journey, but just to nudge myself to keep a positive outlook of my life. With my chin up and a smile on my face, I know that God has been good to me.

Even though I'm fighting cancer, I have been receiving proper treatment for it. I'm struggling with the side effects of chemotherapy, but it's better than having the cancer grow into uncontrollable proportions. The fact that I'm on a road to healing means a lot of me, my fiance, my family and friends. I know this because there are so many people in my life who have showed concern and have showered me with care. These are the true signs of community. The compassion that they can show is amazing. I mean, check it out... some of these people were not even that close to me, but they genuinely reach out. And some of them, I had plenty of "heartbreaks" with, and still genuinely try to encourage me. Life is just full of surprises.

And even though there's a lot of loans to get paid, I am employed full-time. That's a blessing. Especially in the economy that we're in. And I'm teaching music - something that I'm good at. It's better that I learn how to be patient, and know that in time, most of these loans will be paid. Besides, I'm learning a valuable skill of budgeting.

Spiritually, I've always had a quest for the Truth and growing in Faith has never been an easy option. Despite the spiritual struggles, I will not opt out. There are a lot of things that I can't know for sure, but one thing I do know is that I want to believe. My Faith is still something that I can hang on to whenever I really need a breather.

Keeping my head up is not easy, but it is simple to do.

I just have to do it.

5th Round of Chemo

2011-02-03T13:11:00.002-05:00

Well, truth be told, it was rough. I had a good record of not vomiting, but it took over me. It's not just a battle of nausea anymore, it's also a battle of trying to keep everything down.

So far, I'm still optimistic about my chances of going through only one more round of chemo. But only time will tell.

Preparing the kids for a little presentation for Black History month. I hope it goes well. Not sure how prepared they will be since we're having all these snow days.

Reserving my strength so I can do some chores at home. :)

4th Round of Chemo

2011-01-14T09:04:00.002-05:00

It wasn't so bad this time around either. Just had to be poked once. Although it was a tender spot right under my wrist, at least it went smoothly from start to finish. And so the struggle between side effects are yet again taking a toil on my body.

Caroline and I are doing well with wedding plans. We've made our deposit for our cake, meeting with the photographer on Monday, made an appointment to taste food for our reception, booked our honeymoon... it's all falling into place! I'm excited!

The weather here is way too cold for comfort. The snow is a little punishing, and driving around on it isn't fun either. But at least I have my snow tires on. That's always helpful.

Long weekend, here we come! :)

Christmas Morn

2010-12-25T08:16:00.002-05:00

It's early Christmas morn, and the feeling of wholesomeness comes over me. The weather has been brutally cold recently, but at least it has been quiet for the snowfall has ceased. And I've gotten pretty much all I wished for this Christmas!

My family came up to Rochester to join Caroline and I to celebrate Christmas. I would have gone to New York City, but no long drives as of now, especially with my current condition. But my 3rd round of chemo went really well. I'm glad that Caroline was there with me the whole time, she really is like a lucky charm in many ways. There were no complications this time around, just the usual side effects to fight. I'm still hoping and praying that healing continues, and that I'll be well by my birthday next year.

Caroline got me an authentic Manchester United T-shirt!!! And it's number 11, my favorite player of all time, Giggs!!! I also got Toy Story 3 on Blu Ray!!!

I got her a new couch. And some peppermint bark from William Sonoma.

We had a huge feast at my place, prepared by Caroline of course! And we let our folks try our favorite Riesling. Everyone was stuffed, but in a good way.

Over all, I think Christmas this year was great. I'm thankful for the support that my family and fiance has showered me. I'm thankful for all the support that everyone has been showering me. It's been keeping me really strong. Thank you all, and I love you all...

2nd Round of Chemo

2010-12-03T08:49:00.002-05:00

Well, it was a little rougher than my first session. I found out on the day of my treatment that there was a national shortage of one of the medications that I needed. So instead, they gave me a derivative of the substance... which took 8 times as long to get into my body. The plan was to be done by noon, and I ended up being back home by 3:30 PM. To top it up, I had to be poked 4 times for the ivy to stay put in my veins... originally, my veins were not cooperating. Next time, I'm drinking a bottle of water before treatment. That should help a little.

But when all was said and done, treatment went well. Caroline rushed to the hospital after her class because she wanted to be there for me. I think I worried her after texting her that I've just been poked 4 times to get the ivy to stay put in me. My Mother started to walk away because she didn't like to see me in pain... and I was so proud of my sister for staying with me and being strong with me. I was glad to see my sister again. She's been very supportive, just like all the people around me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm very blessed.

My teachers in Eastman have caught up with my situation, and most of them are sending their encouragement as well.

I need to shave my head... the little hairs that are falling off are making my neck itch.

Anyway, holidays are coming! Christmas! Woohoo! :)

Holidays Are Almost Here

2010-11-16T08:26:00.002-05:00

My first round of chemo went really well. There are several annoying side effects, like nausea and constipation, but besides that, everything else seems under control. This week, my counts are going to drop, and fatigue sets in easily. I'm just hoping that eating right, and moving around will help fight this state of tiredness.

I admire the work that Caroline has done. She's been so strong throughout this ordeal, and she still manages to juggle her workload as a Masters student at Eastman pursuing a Dual-degree. She's got a lot on her plate. I feel bad sometimes that I have to be going through this challenge. It eats a lot of her time. I know that she'd rather support me, but I know she's got to finish her work too.

The holidays are coming... Thanksgiving is first, and I can't wait for Caroline's turkey! She cooks a great feast, and I'm really excited to chow down on it!

It'll be our first Christmas together as an engaged couple as well. We're going shopping for a tree, a real Christmas tree even if it's only 3 to 4 feet tall. Something small for our apartment would be a nice fit. :)

Even though fatigue sets in easily, I try to get work done. It gets hard sometimes, but I know the work that I do is worth it.

Onward!

2010-10-27T09:08:00.003-04:00

Yet again, I am faced with an enormous challenge. I got my official diagnosis last night. I have Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma. I have cancer.

Luckily, it is treatable and curable. And I tested ALK positive. Apparently, that means I have a higher chance to respond better to treatment. That's great news, because I can recover from this quicker than I initially imagined. But I haven't met with the Oncologist yet, so I'm only assuming that I will have to go through chemotherapy.

This ordeal has haunted me since the end of September, I'm happy to finally know what's going on in my body. And I'm extremely happy to know that it is curable. I like it better now that I know what I have, instead of feeling anxious all the time not knowing what's going on.

Another good news, I'm glad to be in Rochester, NY, because this is where some of the leading researchers of lymphoma are. They have made breakthroughs throughout the years. Even Caroline's mom is acknowledging the medicinal standards here in upstate NY. And she knows what she's talking about, given the nature of her work which entitles her to have access to ALL the doctors' profiles of the USA.

I'm in good hands, and there are a lot of people who care about me - especially my fiance, family, and friends. I've been receiving so much support from everyone, including my employers. This is quite the ordeal to go through as a first-year, full-time music teacher! However, I've been told that my job is secure. And I'm happy that they will support me in any way that they can. That's amazing, considering I found out about this job through Craig's list.

ONWARD! I'm keeping my head up no matter what. The inconvenience will be temporary. There is always a reason why God has put me through the trials that He did. And He has never failed me. NEVER.

I know God will provide.

Citizenship

2010-10-12T16:07:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow, I drive up to Buffalo to go for my civics test, and my naturalization interview. I pray, hope, and wish that it goes well, and that by tomorrow, I'll know if I am a United States citizen.

I've waited for quite some time for this. A little more than 5 years... that's pretty long, I think.
I've been reading a lot about the Islamic tradition. I'm always so fascinated about religions. It affects so many people in the world. I'm not converting... I just like learning about what people claim they believe in.

Still waiting on the results for the biopsy. At least the whole procedure went well. And Caroline and I got free food at the hospital!!! Woohoo!!!

Anyway... still drooling over some of the best cars around... if only I had the money... Ah, the Lexus LFA... so sweet...So freaking sweet...

Here We Go Again

2010-10-04T07:06:00.004-04:00

I've been developing some pains in my body. After getting a CAT scan, ultrasound, blood work, and urine tests, they still haven't figured out what's wrong with me. All they can tell me is that I have a swollen lymph node at my groin area, which hurts to the point that I can't even stand for longer than 30 seconds, and even laying down is a chore. Their best guess was cat-scratch disease, from the cat attack that I survived this past summer. But even that turned out negative.

It's taking away from my daily work, routines, and even leisure. This has got to stop. The next step will be a biopsy of the lymph node itself. I wish they could just drain it, even though I know it's not that simple. I just can't tolerate it... the pain is horrible.

I hate going back and forth the doctor's office. I just wish that they would just know.

Thank God for Caroline. She's been helping me out in the apartment. She's been very supportive.

Accord

2010-09-17T13:13:00.003-04:00

I take it back. I'm going to get the Honda Accord instead. After doing more research, I found out that the Accord has better safety features, and it's crash ratings (compared to the Dodge Charger) is better overall. I want to keep my family safe, therefore, the Accord beats the Charger.

The V6 engine on the Accord also produces a little bit more horsepower & torque (but at higher RPMs). The Accord lacks a sporty look, but at least a lot of it's safety features comes standard. There is a performance exhaust for the V6 Accord, and that will most likely be installed if I get the car. I may add a low profile spoiler just to help make it look a little more mean. And the price is also very reasonable.

Over all, the Accord's reviews are much better than the Charger's anyways. As long as I get a V6 Accord, then we're fine.

Charger

2010-09-13T16:38:00.003-04:00

So... I have decided that instead of getting a supercharger for my Chevy Cobalt 2005, I'm going to save the money and get myself a Dodge Charger instead. It's a sedan, and being a family man like me, I'd rather have a sedan than a coupe. Besides, it looks really muscular, and the 3.5L engine is pretty strong anyway, and it gets good mileage too. I won't even mind buying a used Charger. I mean, for it's price, the features on the car are pretty luxurious.

Looking to see if I can get my hands on a Charger with AWD, a 3.5L engine, and less than 50,000 miles on it.

So I've switched from coffee to tea for this whole week. I've survived without really any side effects yet. I think it's working out better to have tea instead of coffee. My throat feels more soothed after tea, and I like the amount of water that I'm drinking. I feel like it's a healthier option as well.

I still need to learn how to drive stick. Someone teach me, please!!!

This week went by quick. I can't believe it's Friday tomorrow. Wow. But who complains about the weekend? (:

Learning As I Teach

2010-09-09T14:50:00.005-04:00

"There is a constant challenge to improve my instruction to cater to individual needs of my students. Sometimes, it gets frustrating when you have tried all of your "teacher tricks" to get the students' attention, but it somehow falls short. I'm not a fan of screaming at my kids... in fact, I'd rather just be going back and forth between being funny and witty, but also stern and firm. However, you don't really get a choice at times. Of course, these opportunities to correct behavior with a wailing voice should be minute, and only used for the rarest of occasions. But I attest to it as one of the tools under a teacher's belt. It's been used for ages, and it is still being used today. That can only be a testimony that it works in most (not all) cases. It's effectiveness also depends on a lot of variables. So please... keep in mind that the statements I have just declared is a "don't-try-this-at-home-by-yourself" abstract blabber." - wrote this yesterday.

Today, was a much better day for me. Thank you for all my teachers in life... my scholars were much more attentive, and whatever I did yesterday worked because they knew not to mess with me today.

I always have to remind myself that being a teacher means I'll always have bad and good days.

*****
What was is exactly where it needs to be... in the past. Be proud of yourself for learning, and for growing up to be the person that you are at the moment. You got to where you are regardless of various trials and tribulations, and be glad that you are still alive, because being alive is a chance to live your life to the fullest. There is no such thing as wasted years. Do not let yourself be tricked by regrets. Your regrets are not part of time... rather, it is part of your mind. Time moves forward without you, so even your regrets get left behind. There is no such thing as wasted years... only "teaching & learning" years. Everyone has to go through them. Everyone deserves an opportunity to grow, make mistakes, and learn about themselves. So everyone deserves to experience their own "teaching & learning" years. Don't take it away from you... because it helped mold you. Those years were just part of the journey, be glad it didn't end there and that there is still an ongoing journey to keep.

And everyone deserves a chance at happiness. Sometimes, the road to happiness can be full of tears. But let's remind ourselves that it does not end there... until that day comes when it's time to give your last breath, in front of you will always be an opportunity to fall, and to get back up; to fail, and to try again; to lose, and to move forward; to love, and be loved. Take these opportunities... because you deserve it. Everyone deserves to be happy. And the best part is... you can take these opportunities today because you can aspire to live in the present, and claim your happiness.

As for me, there really are no regrets. And above all, there are really no wasted years. I stand proud of my emotional achievements and for being able to get back up after failing several times throughout my life. The constant challenge is to learn, not to build regrets. I can honestly say that there are moments in my life that I am not proud of, where I could have done better, but I'm glad that I've lived through them because I now stand in front of Life as a better man. I'm proud of myself that even with the various trials and tribulations I've faced, I came out victorious. Only because I deserve (just like everyone else) to learn about myself, and to experience my own "teaching & learning" years...

Be proud of who you are. You deserve to be proud of yourself for getting this far. You deserve to be proud of yourself for listening to your own voice. You deserve to be proud of the path you have chosen. You deserve happiness. And because you experienced your own "teaching & learning" years, be proud that you have grown to be the person that you are.

Be proud because you can now stand in front of Life and claim to be a better person.

*****

Sometimes, I like writing. It helps clear my mind. (:

"Real" World

2010-08-31T12:56:00.004-04:00

Started my career last month. I am officially introduced as, "Mr. Reyes". Don't laugh. The little people know that I mean business with them. However, my instruments for my music class have not yet arrived. I'm a little anxious... but I know it'll work out. I just want to be prepared for this Thursday, for that's when the students start music.

Teaching elementary school kids is fun. I am challenged to continually come up with various ways to keep the young scholars engaged. What you say and do matter so much because their minds are like sponges that soak every small detail that your body produces. From your mouth moving, the quality of your gaze, defined facial expressions, words coming out of your mouth, gestures that match your words, and even the breath that you take to pause for a moment - EVERY single detail counts.

It's also very interesting how some students would stare at different parts of your body as you teach. Some of them watch your eyes, some of them watch your mouth, and some of them watch your hands. And then I realize that adults talk in various ways combining all these 3 things. A "full" conversation means observing the persons eyes, mouth (words) and hands. All of us can tell a story with just our eyes, and I've yet to meet someone who doesn't tell a story without moving their hands. And we not only try and listen with our ears, but our natural instinct is also to "listen" with our eyes. Most adults know that looking at the person who is talking to you is being polite. Most of the kids, unless talked to on a one on one basis, gives you their eyes (looking at your eyes). During class time, they perhaps give you that attention for only about 15 seconds... but at least their natural instinct is to look at where your instructions (sounds) are coming from (your mouth). "Listening" with our eyes makes non-verbal gestures really powerful. In my opinion, when kids are able to follow directions through non-verbal gestures, that's when they have developed utmost efficiency for their classroom/school procedures.

Anyway, Caroline and I are trying to send out our save-the-date cards, but I've yet to finish e-mailing my relatives from the Philippines for addresses. I wonder if any of them will be able to make it. I doubt it though. It's too expensive to fly nowadays. And it's really hard to try and get a VISA to get into the USA from the Philippines.

But wedding preparations are going well! We're going to be booking the Inn On Broadway on Labor Day, and we already booked our date at the Cathedral!!!

AWESOMENESS.

And Manchester United did well against West Ham. :)

Go life!

Graduation & Our New Apartment

2010-05-21T12:38:00.002-04:00

As the days roll by, I slowly unearth and put away the recently "packed memories" from the dorms to our new apartment. The pictures, cards, shirts and small gifts were all tucked away in a couple of boxes. In many ways, these boxes not only contained "memories", but also trials and tribulations of my life in the past five or six years. These memorabilia encompasses what I was and what I have become. And letting go of some of these sentimental possessions was difficult, but when all was said and done, it mattered more for me to move on and look towards the future. I've learned how to stay "in the now". Besides, living in the present has proven to be beneficial.

The Graduation ceremony was fancier than I thought. I finally hold a degree, and it is a degree I can proudly say that I have achieved from a prestigious music conservatory - The Eastman School of Music.

During that day, my parents (and some relatives) and Caroline's parents (and grandparents) met for the first time. While having dinner, the tension of silence between them in the first ten minutes was unbearable. Thank God for alcohol. As soon as the waitress finished serving us wine, the joyous conversations began. I think our folks get along well with each other. That makes the both of us really happy.

We set a date for our wedding day. August 19, 2011. I hope that all our preparations pull through!

A Dash To The Finish Line

2010-04-29T09:56:00.002-04:00

Caroline and I are baby-sitting this weekend! It's exciting, since the both of us have talked about having kids. It'll be good practice for the both of us. :)

I can't believe I'm graduating this May. I'm thinking that Senioritis has hit me finally, because I've been nostalgic recently. I realize how much growing I've gone through in the 4 years that I've been at the Eastman School of Music. And I'm also grateful that I have a job after graduating!

I'm starting at True North Rochester Prep in August. I'm excited to start the music program there, and work in a team that truly cares about education. It'll be a great experience for me, to help my students who mostly belong to a low-income family. I hope they end up enjoying what I have to offer them - music.

I can't wait to move into our new apartment. It is so spacious! We have two walk-in closets, an eat-in kitchen, and a huge living room! It's a great starting point for us. Hopefully, in a couple of years, after getting married, we'll have enough money to invest in a house. :)

Starting My Life

2010-04-20T12:55:00.003-04:00

Life has been good.

I found myself a full-time job, with healthcare benefits, a 403B plan, and a very substantial starting salary. Graduating this May, and going to move into an apartment with Caroline. Getting married in about a year, and happy that my fiance is doing her graduate studies at Eastman.

Getting a pet, some furniture, and planning to drive down to NYC in June to get my things from my parents.

I can't believe it... I'm starting my life. This is amazing.

REACH FOR THE STARS!

Spring

2010-03-14T21:21:00.003-04:00

The weather in Rochester has decided to give us a little glimpse of Spring... beautiful. :)

So let's see... Just this school year alone, there have been more than 10 wedding engagements that I've heard of, and 7 of them are my friends', and 1 my own. It seems to be the popular thing to do.

I'm glad to see that a lot of my friends are also treating it very seriously. Some of these people have grown up so much. I'm so proud of some of them. Heck, I'm even proud of myself for being able to be man enough to face my own tribulations. I'm glad that we're all in the same boat, and that we're all serious about having to sustain a family.

It makes me happy to know that I'm not alone in striving to be a functioning member of society, and aspiring to be financially stable in order to provide, and put family first. :)

So much so that I had my first "real-world" job interview. Knocked their socks off... they like me. The principal put me on "fast-track" and gave me the opportunity to teach in a mock-setting. NICE.

It'll be great to have a job straight away after graduating. No reason to be scared. God will provide, and I just need to keep finding His opportunities.

Engaged (Part 2)

2010-02-04T09:50:00.003-05:00

The night was young, the weather was relentless, and I knew that getting down on one knee was going to be painful. The bitter cold struck down my back, as my foolish mind had forgotten to bring the right coat for the occasion. But I was more than happy to do it.

Since young, Caroline had always wanted to see the Rockefeller Christmas tree. I knew the lights were still brightly shining, so we hurried there on the 3rd of January, and hoped that everything would go accordingly.

I thought I wouldn't get nervous. How far from the truth could I have been? Various thoughts ran through my head. But at some point, I took the time to calm myself down enough to ask her. I proceeded by telling her that I would show her a magic trick. I made her current ring "disappear" and I "replaced" it. With my hands shivering, I bent down on one knee and popped the question...

"Will you marry me?"

Thank God her answer was "yes".

Prior to the nerve wrecking yet joyous situation, I went up to fetch her from VA, and when I was there, I asked her parents for permission to marry her. I never thought that they would be so encouraging. I had the longest hug that I'll probably ever get from Caroline's Mother - Deborah. And her Dad, Carl, was a very straight forward man, and he had a lot of wisdom to impart. But at the same time, he was encouraging, noting all the good qualities that he has seen in me thus far.

I also talked to my parents. And my Mother was cautiously happy for me... meaning that her practical mind was not going to waver, but her huge heart was pouring out with joy. My Dad knew that Caroline loves me, and so he too was happy.

I talked to some of my friends about it as well. Most of them were very encouraging. My closer friends even let me use their apartment for our engagement party. A lot of our closer friends attended the party, and I was happy that everyone had some fun.

We are on our way to the bank this weekend, to open our joint savings account. We're saving up for our wedding which is going to be some time in the summer of 2011.

I can't help but think that the events that led up to this joyful moment in my life were mixtures of both negative emotional struggles and positive emotional upliftings. But all in all, regardless of whatever experience I've had, I maintain that everyone and everything is my "teacher".

And this remarkable event marks a new era in my life.

Therefore, to all my "teachers" from the past... thank you. I'm grateful for the opportunity to grow from what you've put me through.

Engaged (Part 1)

2009-12-21T21:57:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago, Caroline and I were shopping for our folks because Christmas was around the corner. To my delightful grazing of the mall sections, holding her hand tightly, we walked past a jewelery store, and my big mouth naturally itched out a random phrase or such. It just so happened that in the moment, I asked a subliminally curious question... "Caroline, how would you like it if I got you a ring for Christmas?"

A smile shot out of her passive face, and as her eyes glistened, she uttered, "what kind of ring?"

In a murmuring voice, I replied, "Um... a shiny one?"

What a trip to the mall that had been. Ever since the summer, we both have rediscovered ourselves, and in turn, rediscovered how beautiful our relationship can be. We have, since, talked about our future of being together. And it is pretty clear that we're both expecting to grow old with each other.

For a couple of days, she had to be away for the Eastman Wind Ensemble tour. I thought to myself that it would be the perfect occasion for me to head out and get her a Christmas present. I planned to visit the jewelry store and buy her a ring.

With my emotional uneasiness, I proceeded to enter the store. The uneasiness within me stems from the fact that I've never done this before. But regardless of the anxiety in me, I summed up enough courage to ask for help from one of the store's saleslady. Throughout my stay at the jewelry store, I was enlightened in different ways. It took a good hour or so before I finally decided my course of action. I knew that a ring would suffice for Christmas, but I also knew that I should set my eyes on an engagement ring.

The night she came back, I was as nonchalant as I could be. There were no traces of the evidence, as I kept it well hidden from sight. The following morning was when all my plans were executed. Knowing her, she would probably check her mailbox as soon as she leaves my room in the morning. Since I knew she was going to do that, I would put the ring into her mailbox only after she checked it for the first time... so I could go on ahead and tell her to check it for a second time - and there her surprise awaits.

So I did exactly that. It went accordingly.

She thought it was the real deal. She thought I was proposing. She took the ring out of the tiny box and handed it to me, and she wanted me to put it onto her finger. But as she presented her left hand, I stopped her and shook my head. Instead of putting it on her left hand, I put the ring on her right. Her face read, "ouch."

I could tell that she was not happy, and tears were starting to swell up in her eyes. So I stepped closer to her and cut the chase. I told her the truth.

"Caroline, you know that I want to be with you. I love you very much. This is not the real deal, but let me assure you that it is coming. I'm going to get the ring and everything, and when the moment happens, it'll be very beautiful. I already have it all planned out."

Her face lightened up, and she poured out with tears of joy. In that span of 3 minutes, her emotions brought her around a roller-coaster that was unfamiliar in all ways. I could tell she was expecting me to kneel, propose and carry on from there... this made me realize a lot about what the woman really thought and felt about our relationship.

This experience motivated me. In many ways, it is a prayer answered. A dream realized. A wish come true.

This morning, I woke up feeling complete.

How Do You Want People To Remember Your Name?

2009-11-27T09:38:00.003-05:00

So its the day after Thanksgiving day, and yes... there are so many things in my life that I'm thankful for. I can honestly say that I am very blessed. While I'm sitting down in front of my laptop, eating a chocolate bar, at around 9:30 in the morning, I started thinking of how wonderful it would be if I could come up with my own Music Learning Theory. Of course, it is a long shot. I'd have to wait until pigs can fly, even though that was the case already with swine flu. And the challenging part is not figuring out how the standard model for the Learning Theory works... but how to add on it, and make it better.

I hear all these people say things like, "Oh, he's using the Gordon technique", or "he's using the Orff technique" and sometimes, "he's using the Kodaly technique". How wonderful would it be if one day, people also started saying, "he's using the Reyes technique".

Sounds cheesy. Lol.

*****

Upgrades for my car is running my head to the walls. I just want to get an intake, and I want to get it fast. I'm addicted to making my car perform better... but I haven't done anything to it yet! Once I snap on my first upgrade, I know for a fact I'll never stop snapping on other parts. I was thinking of just jacking my current car up to its full potential instead of buying myself a new car.

I mean, really digging in and getting the works done with my Chevy Cobalt Coupe, '05, 2.2L...

1) Intake System
2) Exhaust System
3) Supercharger
4) Stage 3 PCM (with internals)
5) 16'' Wheels, chrome finish (of course)

That's only the beginning... and that would already cost me a few thousand dollars. But it is still cheaper than getting a new car! And with all the right upgrades, If my calculations are right, I'm jacking up my car to an increase of about 100-130 horsepower. That's worth it.

Now... where can I find the money? hehe.

*****

College apps! Finishing two of them today. Graduate school... better watch out. I'm coming for you.

Apparently, there's a new school opening around the area. Not until 2 years though... but it may work out because I'll be fresh out of Graduate school. That would be awesome if I can get myself hooked up with a job straight away! That would provide for my car upgrades! hehe.

Anyway... the future is exciting. And I'm enjoying the present for now. :)

Stupid H1N1

2009-11-15T15:36:00.002-05:00

Being an RA in the dorms is a very worthwhile gig. I just can't stand this spread of the flu. As of now, I've had 2 residents pick up this ridiculous flu. I'm glad that the both of them are fine now. And thank God that no one has gotten a severe case yet throughout the whole dorms.

Got my first paycheck from Storybook... it's small. For now. I'll put in more hours next year. Right now, I have to focus on making a good impression in SOTA (School Of The Arts, in Rochester, NY). I hope that in the end, the time that I've put into student-teaching will pay off.

Been feeling a little sick myself... but I'm in good spirits! I just want to feel fine once and for all. And no more stomach aches please... I hate having to wake up in the middle of the night!

*****

To be or not to be? That is the question.

I have yet to meet with Dr. Grunow. I hope he tells me something good. I know that in the end, everything works out... but I just want to know for sure what I should go after since I'm graduating next semester.

Recently, Caroline has been telling me how much she thinks we are a perfect fit. Maybe she knows what's troubling me. And maybe, perhaps we really could go all the way. Are we happy where we are at, right now? For the most part. But yes, I'm not sure if i should pop the question or not... I don't know what my future holds.

Yet.

Surviving

2009-11-03T19:20:00.002-05:00

Doing a lot of things recently... I feel like I don't have enough time to breath. I'm doing the best that I can, but I can't do everything. Taking it day by day...

A lot of my friends are getting engaged. This is ridiculous! I'm getting old!

Then it dawned upon me... if two people love each other, and really want to be with one another, and they're both old enough... why not get married? If everything seems to be in place, why not do it?

I'm graduating soon, and I'm trying to find a teaching gig. And yes, I'm still thinking about grad school, but I most definitely would take a job over school unless school is free, or almost free. But work seems to be more appropriate. And I've been working with kids so much this semester... I really feel the calling to be around them!

And I really feel the call to be around my own as well. Waiting for that day, I guess. I'm thinking more and more about matrimony. I'm not totally sure, but every time I think about it, the more I get this feeling of closure. I start to feel older now that my friends are taking this path of becoming one with their partners... and I'm starting to think that I too am ready.

Some people that come across our lives were used as God's instruments to teach us lessons that will help us get closer to heaven. THAT'S THE POINT. And at some point in our lives, WE have been used as His instruments. See... we're all made to be with Him. There are no excuses. No matter how painful our relationships are, no matter how happy we are, or how sad, or how hurt we are, the only reason why we have to go through what we have to is because we are made to be with Him. If we choose otherwise, then that's our doing, not His. We were given the power to choose because we can take accountability! And He knew that. Which is why we learn from our relationships, be it romantic or not.

So even if we feel like we were "used", think of how you were God's instrument rather than piling up the negativity that was brought unto you. In the end of the day, I'd rather go to bed and tell myself that I helped someone get closer to Him... regardless of how much pain I went through.

But that's just me.

The Sun Rises Without You

2009-09-19T13:37:00.003-04:00

There are so many things in our life that we cannot control... ultimately, we have the most control over ourselves. And in this point in my life, I'm starting to realize more about the way I think, feel and process things in my head.

I suppose its a new beginning. I'm treading carefully.

Got myself a car! It's pretty sweet. I'm trying to get it pimped out... first on the list are performance parts. Then focus on getting rims, and then after that... A NEW CAR? hehe. A Chevy Camaro wouldn't be too bad. hehe

I got a Chevy Cobalt, '05 Coupe. 2.2L, I-4, 16 Valve engine, produces about 145 hp @ 5,600 rpm. 32 miles a gallon on the highway, about 26 in the city. 0-60 mph in 9 secs - which really isn't that bad for my first car. It has a spoiler too, which makes it look kinda cool.

I'm thinking about replacing the intake first, and then the exhaust. I'm not sure what else I can put in there to help it perform better. Besides, I need to save up anyway. After installing these parts... I'm off to save up for rims. I'm thinking maybe a 17-18' hypersilver? We'll see. They're really expensive.

*****

I really student-teaching. I hope I'm doing a good job at it, and hopefully the kids like me.

At least my focus is pouring down on the kids, teaching, and my car.

Car

2009-08-27T19:19:00.002-04:00

Getting a car is stupid stressful. I hope to get one that would fit my persona though.

And yes, I put a down payment on a Chevy Cobalt '05. That fits.

I hope it all works out.

Tough

2009-08-05T13:57:00.004-04:00

Two break ups in a row. I'm starting to think that summers are very dangerous things. Both break ups happened during the summer! And both of them are something I didn't want...

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. And the not so tough walk out on you. The worse part is, you start hurting more when you pay for something that you didn't ask for. Especially when you've grown so much.

I'm so angry. I hate this crap. This time around, I didn't even do anything wrong at all. People just tend to give up on me. In the end, some people are really just very selfish. Here I was, investing so much in yet another relationship, and get nothing in the end.

Sigh.

How come Karma's kicking my ass instead?

My True Goals In Life

2009-07-27T19:20:00.003-04:00

I want to have a stable job so I can provide for my future family.

I want to be a good father and husband.

I want to die without any debts on my name.

That's it really.

*****

My time will come...

Some Summer Fun

2009-06-21T19:09:00.009-04:00

So I visited Caroline during my birthday, and... IT WAS AMAZING! She took me to an airshow, baked a cake for me, made breakfast and dinner, and took me out to a movie! SHE MADE ME SO HAPPY! Even though I was only there for 1 night, she made everything worth it.

At Ontario beach, during the airshow.

With our geeky 3D glasses after watching Disney's "UP"!

*****
And then she came up to see me and stayed at my place for 4 nights. On her second day, I took her to South Street Seaport, and then crossed the Brooklyn bridge, and then grabbed a bite to eat at Grimaldi's (the original coal brick oven pizzeria in new york city) - BEST PIZZA I'VE HAD SO FAR! And then I took her to the ice cream factory by the bay, and watched the Manhattan skyline. On her third day, I took her to Coney Island, we walked the boardwalk, tried Nathan's Original Hot Dogs, went to the New York Aquarium and rode the Cyclone (one of New York's oldest rollercoasters).

On the Brooklyn bridge, looking like an 8 year old boy who just got his XBOX 360!

The Manhattan skyline right behind us

After our ride on the Cyclone.

*****
The struggles are worth it. The battle is worth fighting. I'm on the path to victory.

After all, she is worth it.

Another Year

2009-05-26T20:08:00.004-04:00

Another school year's out. I can't believe that I have one more year to go. I'm a senior! There are several options... to go back to school and knock out my Masters after graduation (and be buried in debt, because of loans), or find a job - teach! - And pay my current loans (perhaps, go back to school later for my Masters). Either way, I'm sure it'll be fine.

And yet, at the back of my head, it has been brewing. Shall I pop the question after graduating? There are still a lot of questions in me... but a part of me says that I'd know the time's right when I know the time's right - whenever that time is. A lot of prayer needs to go into it. I'm hopeful, but I know that's not usually enough. Regardless, I'm enjoying my relationship with her, and I'm sure she is too. We both have grown. And I know I've grown tremendously. I'm very thankful for the blessings that have come my way.

Went around downtown, looking for apartments. Sharing an apartment does not sound too bad. It'll be cheaper if we both went to Eastman again for graduate school. I'd love it if that were the case. But it all depends on what she decides to do, and where she wants to go. I'm excited for her, but at the same time... apprehensive. No one knows what the future holds.

But we've been talking a lot about the future. It seems that we both are moving in a similar direction. It is actually kind of freaky how similar we are. A lot of my stories are hers too. Did that make sense? We went through very similar pasts. I won't go into details, but yeah... I'm happy. =)

And here's a couple of photos with us acting goofy... again. lol!

You have to admit... we're pretty adorable. hehe.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

2009-03-17T10:39:00.005-04:00

This past month and a half has been insane. Everything else was going great, except for my health. Went to different doctors, went for several tests, and they found NOTHING. Frustrating as it is, I'm actually feeling better. However, I still have to go to the clinic once a week to get my blood drawn. "Fun!" All I ever wanted was to know what was going on with me. They couldn't tell me, and that affected my mood a lot. Although I try to have this uplifted spirit in me, it was still hard trying to put this illness into the back of my mind.

But I'm feeling better. My appetite is back, soon enough I'll be back in the gym (hopefully), and when I get my blood drawn, I hope that I get some good results - meaning, that my red blood count goes up. It did the last time I got it drawn. FINALLY. After running on half a tank for the past month, I can use some fresh fuel.

And then because I feel better, I got reminded of the more beautiful things in life again. Wheeeeeee! No, seriously... REALLY BEAUTIFUL. Here, I'll show you what I mean...

I told you. But guess what? We don't look like that anymore... we chopped off almost all our hair. Well, I did, she got like 4 inches off.

Pretty cute couple we have here... LOL!

But anyway, I continue to get over whatever I have. And hopefully it all goes away before our joint recital. I hope it completely goes away before my juries. Ay~

Babble

2009-02-04T14:15:00.002-05:00

If there was a drug that I can take to help me stop thinking too much, I'd take it. My friend told me that the drug is already available, and it is called "dope". Funny.

Someone suggested that I should go for counseling, and I thought it may be a good idea. Some people out there may think I'm crazy, but actually, lots of non-crazy people go for counseling all the time. Couples go for counseling, people who are having a tough time go for counseling, etc. Funny thing is, once I get in the room with a counselor, and he or she asks me, "So, what can I do for you?" I would probably say, "I want to stop thinking." But what the heck. It wouldn't be the first time if I went for counseling. And it helped last time, I don't see why it won't help me this time.

I tend to over-analyze. I just want to be able to control it. It is both a blessing and a curse.

My doctor still hasn't figured out what's wrong with me. But at least we already ruled out some other things that could have been terrible. I need to write out all the symptoms that I'm having, perhaps that would help her connect the dots.

So, yeah.

Touching The Heavens

2009-01-02T09:10:00.001-05:00

I was in Virginia, Fairfax, for Christmas. I spent my Christmas away from home for the first time. I spent it with Caroline and her folks. It was a pleasant experience, and I'm looking forward to knowing her family more.

I received the most wonderful, perhaps the greatest, Christmas gift ever. Caroline knew about my fascination with airplanes. She knew that I've always wanted to fly one. So to let my dream come true, she got me a gift certificate to have an introductory flight lesson at the Heritage Flight Academy.

How was it?

AMAZING. I've always loved the sunrise and the sunset. I believe God's creativity is contained in those majestical sceneries. Being in the air, 2000 feet above ground, gave me an even more awe-inspiring view of the sunset. The pilot-in-command/instructor, Matt, was kind enough to let me stay in the air long enough to watch the sun sink into the horizon. I was lost for words. The sun never looked so beautiful. I was just having goosebumps all over my body. Matt gave me a lot of stick time, and he was guiding me the whole way. After we landed, he was encouraging me to start flying lessons with him. I'm thinking about how I can successfully do it. Because I want to get my pilot's license. And someday, own my own plane. Besides, I promised Caroline, I'd take her up with me.

January 1, 2009 - The day I flew. The day I touched the heavens. The first day of the new year was spent with a glorious activity. And how better to kick-off the New Year, by being sky high.

Since Caroline stayed in Fairfax for the New Year, I brought my sister up with me instead. So kudos to her for withstanding the flight without throwing up. Also grateful for all the pictures she took.

But above all... I love you so much, Caroline. Thank you for such a mindful, thoughtful, and wonderful gift.

*****

And to leave you guys with a pretty picture taken before all the snow has fallen down in my new home, Rochester, I found this picture of Caroline and I at Letchworth State Park during this past fall.

Bliss

2008-12-15T14:42:00.001-05:00

God is good.

People

2008-12-13T15:20:00.000-05:00

Just had a chat with one of my residents. I didn't know he was feeling so weary. I hope his relationship works out to be okay in the end. I told him not to count too much on Time as a healing factor, but rather - view Time as a means to getting used to remembering the hurting things that has happened.

*****

I'm slowly beginning to set myself on a different path. It doesn't hurt as much anymore. And God truly has been kind to me.

Downtown Manhattan, NYC, Rockefeller Christmas Tree

Thanksgiving Day, Woodside, NYC

Caroline Rose Palser... a true friend indeed.

She's been having symptoms of Fibromyalgia. I hope it is not the case though. Will have to wait until Monday and see what the Doctors say. I just don't want her to be in constant pain. I wish there was something I can do. She says that me being there for her is enough... but I feel so... inadequate.

Oh well. I'm just praying it is not something too bad. I'm sure she'll be fine, by the grace of God.

I'm glad you enjoyed all the things I had installed for you during your birthday. I've never done anything like that for anyone... twas nice. =)

Where The Wild Things Are

2008-12-09T11:26:00.001-05:00

In the end... most people really do only care about themselves. Even though we try to care for others, we fall short in our generous efforts because we will be held back by some influence.

I just want to be in a place where I'm loved...

Big Baby

2008-10-23T16:47:00.001-04:00

I figured out that I was just being a big baby. I didn't need to cry every night, I didn't even need to feel like I was being betrayed. Happiness is mostly a choice, and she chose her path of happiness, and so I am convinced that I should be happy for her.

It's just weird. Till the last day, I was praying for you. I even prayed for all of these events to happen, just so you can be happy. I remember kneeling down at church, and uttering the words, "God, if there's someone out there that can help her forget me, then please let that man walk by her life. She needs him, whoever he will be, more than she needs me. It'll be great, as long as she's happy. And I'll be fine because I know you'll carry me through."

Life has many twists and turns... but when the twists and turns came whirling at me, I totally forgot about that prayer I so humbly petitioned to God. I wanted you to be so happy, and when you finally took the chance to be happy, I found myself crying and hurting because of the feelings of rejection, abandonment, and betrayal. But was it really all that bad? No. God answered my prayers... so I feel confident because yet again, God has pulled through for me.

After all, what greater love is there, but to sacrifice yourself for another friend. This is Christ's teaching. So yes, the bigger picture became clearer when I finally opened up to the blessings of the Holy Spirit. There was nothing to be afraid of, and nothing to regret. It was all in His plan.

I'm happy for you. And I'm happy for him.

*****

Caroline's been sick. And I'm not too sure if she'll be staying this semester. We humans depend so much on money nowadays. And Eastman can get too expensive. But I'm quite sure God will work something out for her and her family. I'll be upset if she leaves. She's been such a good friend.

And I still can't believe that there are more than 400 songs written with "Caroline" as the/a topic. But why?! Lol! The name's not any more special than "Neil". Maybe I'm just jealous. Perhaps, I want more than 400 songs written about my name too. Haha.

She's cute though... she got cold the other day, and made me give up my sweater. Haha. She looks like a dork.

On another day, she was telling me about harp-stuff (which sounded greek to me). I kinda switched off for a little while and realized that she's still cute even when she's sick. Haha.

Oh well... but I've been thinking. Thinking a lot.

We have fun. =)

Trippy.

2008-09-24T18:15:00.000-04:00

I'm not totally free (yet). I'm still caught up with you, even though I already know that you're totally over me. You are. Actions speaks louder than words.

You're so over me that you've sold your body to him... already.

That's fine. I guess nothing we ever shared counted anyway.

*****

Rants

I'm losing a friend to fate. I may not be totally free from you, but I'm not stupid. I know healing is a long process, especially with the way you've dumped me. DUMPED. Literally. But you know what? I suppose it was worth it. For you at least.

Such a great friend for "being there" for me. And what's that? Did I hear you say that I will always be your baby? BULL SHIT.

Like I said, actions speak louder than words.

You say that you are plentiful of fear too? BULL SHIT.

The way you act doesn't seem like it. What fear? You've sold yourself to him already.

But you know what? That's fine.

I'm working on making it through... and I will. And I'll be victorious. Always was, always am, and always will be.

KARMA - watch out, it's coming.

And you wonder why I'm so fucked up inside? Look at how you're treating me!

Whatever. You don't care for me as much as I care for you anymore. I wonder why I still wake up and hope that you'll call me back and want me back. I don't know why I still love you. I don't know why I hope for things that will never come, ever again.

I hope you the best of luck with him. I suppose everything truly is a lie. And fancy how in the end, it was you who made it all a lie.

All right... enough of the rants. I don't like making you feel bad... even though I truly feel like you deserve it.

But you don't. You don't deserve all that crap I gave to you... and now, you are so much happier, and you are enjoying the fruits of being with someone who is right there for the taking. I envy the fact that you're on your way to the road of companionship.

Sigh. Regrets... that's all I'm filled with. In the end, nothing was ever worth it. The rings, the dreams, the promises, everything seems so... discarded and thrown away.

Oh well. Sigh...

*****

Caroline Rose Palser

Thanks for trying to cheer me up. The Strong Museum of Play was amazing. I love kids, and I guess you knew that. So I'm grateful for your efforts to pull me up from this slumber. The Butterfly park was really nice too. I thought flying bugs freaked you out? Liar. Haha.

But this was trippy...

Me - trying to smile for the camera.

Caroline - getting into the flow of things.

I had a wonderful time, thank you!

Living Day By Day

2008-09-11T14:34:00.001-04:00

That was quick. That was really quick. Sigh. I can't believe that there is still so much anger in me. Has it been suppressed in me all these times? Why can't I just let go?

You built me up... made me confident about myself, helped me grow... and then you took so much away... that hurts. Haha, I just realized that that was an understatement.

I've said this before, but I would never get tired of saying it... it is just so unfair.

Get over it, Neil. You are once again the path... not the man. You're supposed to be used to it by now.

I miss that feeling of being able to say, "I love you" and mean it... and feel loved in return. I miss the feeling of being cheeky, but all with good intention. I miss the feeling of being able to treasure someone and make her feel special. I miss making her laugh, smile, and feel good about herself. I miss doing all that, but truthfully meaning it. I miss the feeling of being able to tease, and being teased. I miss the feeling of getting up in the morning and thinking of joy to be with a wonderful person, and ending the day with that one person in mind. I miss the feeling of crying because my heart is filled with joy. I miss the overwhelming sensation of feeling loved, and the kind of warmth that only one person in this world can give you...

These days are gone. They have passed. And I'm struggling to let these feelings go. No more for me... none at all.

And now, you have someone else to share all these wonderful feelings with. Oh crap. That's really quick. It may have not happened yet... but I'm sure it will. Soon enough, I'll slowly be nudged out of your heart, and someone else will take my place. Nah, its okay. It's the way it goes...

But I would give anything and everything just to get those feelings again... but I don't think I'll achieve them any time soon. It could be a very, very, very long time before I could open up again. And when I do open up, I'll feel so vulnerable, that I may just end up reverting to what I feel now. Bah, oh well.

Has anyone cared enough to try and realize how it feels to be just a path, and not the actual person? Then again... no one understands what I'm saying when I mean "path" and "person". Oh well.

I've been broken before... but I've never been broken this much. And I don't understand why the process of putting the pieces of me together is taking so long.

Maybe... just maybe... I really loved you. And perhaps... I still do.

Sigh. God, please help me let go so I don't have to hurt so much. I don't like this state that I'm in. Please my God, I beg of you... grant me the strength and courage to face up to my own foolishness. And help me forgive myself for all the wrongs I have made...

I want to fall in love again...

Caroline Rose Palser

2008-08-30T12:43:00.000-04:00

If I hadn't woken up, would I have been asleep forever?

What makes us compassionate? Through our understanding of Suffering. A Suffering that is inevitable in this world. A Suffering that we share through many various forms. But that is why I don't like leaving anyone behind. That is why I have a genuine care for people around me. That is where my compassion for you stems.

I've been told that I look to God for help a lot. Well, I do, but how does God truly help me?

Through people. God doesn't zap my heart with warm fuzzy feelings whenever I'm sad, or when I'm in need of His love. He won't come down from heaven and give me a big hug, and He won't erase my problems instantly (even if He could). Instead, His kindness and love for me is manifested through the people that are being used as His instrument to console me. And these people don't even know it. I do seek God, but I'm not oblivious to the blessings that He showers upon me. Through my environment, God answers my prayers.

It is no miracle. It is not that hard to understand either. I pray because I'm His child. I pray to Him because I acknowledge Him as my God and Saviour, friend and brother. But as far as being nurtured by Him... I let myself learn from the persons that He sends my way.

Through people, I see God's face.

Through people, I hear God's voice.

Through people, I feel God's love.

So trust me when I say that God loves you... all you have to do is allow yourself to be loved by Him. No one is stopping you except you. God is in control... He will never send anything your way that you can't handle.

*****

God is good. I know that He's giving me a second chance. And I gladly accept.

I'm glad you didn't walk out of my door. Thank you.

My heart's not as heavy as it was before... maybe someday I'll fall in love again...

Another Day

2008-08-25T11:16:00.001-04:00

I jumped into the lake, and swam to the other boat. I was climbing the ladder just fine, and as soon as I got onto the boat... I noticed my hands were bleeding. George helped me cover up the wound. I have no idea how I got the cut. I'm not too keen on seeing my own blood though. The cut is long, but not deep. It'll dry out in the next couple of days.

Regardless of what I'm feeling right now, my responsibilities as a Resident Advisor is pretty much taking over my life. It is true what Luke said, "it is a way of life". For the most part, I agree. And may I just add that training week was so much fun. Long, long, very long days we all had. It was almost weird not to see everyone on that Sunday we had a "day off". We all know we needed that, and we all know that the best is yet to come.

I've not been able to sit down and think things through, but now that things are becoming more calm, I can begin my process of clearing my mind, heart and soul. I'm back at Eastman. I can now concentrate on the things that matters to me most - music. I embark on a new journey to tackle formal training on jazz. I hope it works out. And I hope that this semester does not kill me.

Speaking of thinking things through... I don't know how I truly feel about our situation anymore. I want to be endearing, but on the same token - practical. Life moves on quickly, and if I don't follow through, I will be left behind. On this issue, I tell myself that life will bring forth new beginnings. And one may soon be on its way. I hope for the best because hope is one of the few things that I can hold true.

And thank you to all my friends. All of you made it easier for me. I'm still in the process of healing, but surely I'll reach that stage of betterment. If there is anything that will spring out of these ashes, it'll be a smile on my face to recognize the better me.

Am I doing just fine? I suppose. I'm not doing terrible, that's for sure. Or at least I'm not doing as bad as I were in the beginning of this ordeal. "Shit happens", that's for sure. I just didn't think it'll happen to me. But then it did, so I was wrong. Who am I to judge? I am but one of the many wanderers of Life.

Am I still bitter about it? A little. I just wish things could have turned out a little better. But it will be okay. It seems like every thing has just passed anyway. And May doesn't seem to care anymore. And even if she does, she wouldn't do anything about it. I suppose the heart can only take so much - hey, if you've been with me, you'll know what I mean. Crazy is as crazy goes, but I'm to the point where whacky takes its definition. I'm sure there'll be someone better out there for her. I know God will take care of her. More lovely things will come your way, May. I just pray that you don't forget where you started.

So I guess I'll be on my way. I really appreciate this new role that I play in my school. It keeps my mind off things when I need it.

And May, you may say I'm a good guy... but everyone says that about me. But guess what, there will be plentiful of other good guys out there. And I'm sure one of them will be capable of loving you the way you want to be loved.

Be blessed.

One At A Time

2008-06-28T00:46:00.000-04:00

i suppose it doesn't matter how much the dream was. i suppose what matters now is how much i can dream again.

i find myself struggling to socialize with people. in the midst of any crowd, i feel lonely. it is irritating because being with people is suppose to keep my mind away from straying into a dark abyss of tormenting memories. regardless, it is better than being alone.

i also find myself itching for the phone, dialing a forbidden number, and to run back to what was. but freedom has its price. and the price was losing me.

i took out the shoes of the two imagined kids, "Dante and Marissa". not even them could save me now. i had to apologize to the both of them because the dream was over. they were never meant to be reality. "mommy won't be home tonight... and neither will daddy. i'm sorry."

i don't want to be angry anymore, but i sometimes can't help it. i repeatedly ask myself what i have done to truly deserve this. have i not been able to redeem myself all these while?

questions after questions remain, and i can't seem to silence my uneasy soul. mending a heart never took so much toil, but at the same time i'm hopeful for a new beginning. i have faith, i just find it hard to show it.

how much do i really want to move on is still in question... but i really don't have any other choice.

besides, there are other things that are worthier to worry about.

Father, to you i commend my spirit...

Been Reading

2008-06-22T00:31:00.000-04:00

So I'm thinking about "crossing over to the dark side". I've been reading up a lot about it. Forums after forums, articles after articles... I even got websites disputing other websites about their legitimacy. I probably have spent about 4 to 5 hours just reading up on it today. Is it worth it?

Will wait another year to find out. I need to do more research on it. As for now, I stay put.

Father's Day

2008-06-18T16:02:00.000-04:00

I can't wait to be a father. And I hope to be a good one someday. I realized that I'm a "family-guy".

I can't help but think that everything I've gone through with you has gone to a waste. 3 and a half years of nothingness. It didn't go anywhere. It's okay though. You're free now. That's all that matters. You're happy, and I can tell. It's quite unfair. But what can I do? I fell for you in the first place. In the end, I'm the fool. If this is who you really are, then I hope you can find one good suitor out there that can appreciate your troubles with commitment. I just wonder why you tried to commit to me in the first place when you're just going to end everything because you love your freedom more than you love me.

Restricted? I'm so far away from you... I can only imagine how you'll feel if I'm there. It's just impossible. It'll never work.

The problem is... I'm so bitter towards you now. And it'll be a long time before I get a chance to actually heal.

This is worse than cheating on me. And you'll never understand how much you're hurting me.

Like it was in the past, so it is now (again)... "I'm just a path. not the person."

*****

I'm getting back into illusions. I really like tricks. Especially those where I can just borrow a person's ring, coin, scarf, necklace etc. And I love the new dice tricks that I've learned from Robert! Gosh... such a great guy. The first time I met him years ago, he was already showing off his magic tricks to me. haha

I'm glad that I have this job at the union. I'll be going nuts if I didn't have anything to do this summer. A particular someone just stopped caring. Oh well.

But anyway... as unfair as it feels, I'm going to be on the move. I just have to keep moving. Oh well. No point in crying anymore, even though sometimes I can't help it. No one is ever going to catch my tears anyway. Besides, I'm the only one crying. Tells me all the more that she's not worth it. If she can't sympathize with me, then all the more it makes me realize that this whole escapade is for the better of you (and you alone).

How selfish.

OH WELL.

The Path, Never The Man

2008-06-07T09:30:00.000-04:00

for once, I am actually wishing that there is something nice/happy to blog about. every time I blog, it seems that my heart is aching etc. I hate it. I want to be happy. I just don't know how.

it really hurts though. you made the right decision for you. I'm the only one hurting, and you are up and about living the life... being happy. I wish I could be the same. it is just too unfair.

my words... and actions... don't mean anything anymore. sigh.

*****

had the strangest series of dreams last night. I don't know what to make of it yet. But rest assured little girl (whoever you were), I'm always going to take care of you. thank you for holding onto my finger tightly as we walked through those places together. I hope you'll take care now...

*****

I don't know how much you are "growing" with all the fun that is surrounding you.

you're full of lame excuses. you just wanted to do whatever you wanted to.

How much growth can you make with the kind of lifestyle that you're having?

Give me a break. you liar.

you broke up with me for this? I see how it is.

*****

So many young adults nowadays are suffering. During the intense interviews, there have been interviewee after interviewee that has wept in front of us. their stories horrify me, and I'm not sure if it is pity or responsible concern that I feel towards them...

1) a young adult male who came from Bosnia escaped with his family to the USA because of civil wars over there. his mom survived 2 wars, and on the second war... she got shot on the leg. fortunately, she survived.

2) a young adult male was walking with what he thought was a friend he could trust. out of nowhere, gunshots were being fired towards them. little did he know that his so-called-friend was the one being gunned down. it was just unfortunate that he was at the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong company.

3) a young adult female was on her way home to school, and she was assaulted, and raped. she claims that the suspect did not understand English and this made her situation even worse. traumatized, she still finds it difficult to trust people.

4) a young adult male's brother meant everything to him. but his brother died last year. his brother was shot. suffering from mild depression, he wishes to be part of the Youth Brigade to get out of his turmoil.

5) a young adult male who has autism is trying to make a path for himself as he hoped to be part of the Youth Brigade. he wanted the opportunity to be great, like his father.

I hope the brigade could accommodate to everyone. the sad truth is, out of the 150 applicants, we can only choose 25. Good luck everyone.

*****

how much growth can you make if you do not hear stories as such? how much growth can you make if you do not take time to reflect? how much growth can you make if you do not pray? how much growth can you make if you do not seek for maturity at the right places?

how much growth can you make if you keep rejecting me?

Ungrateful

2008-05-25T10:24:00.000-04:00

What if you're committed/attached, and you have a partner who makes it seem like you're just a lonesome book on the shelf? What if you're with that person and start feeling like you are just as good as you were before when you were single?

Yeah. I never knew I could feel like that. It is of course a mixture of emotions, but none of them are wonderful. Or at least I won't describe them to be wonderful. The word that pops into my mind is, "nasty". I felt lonely, despite the fact that I'm supposed to be attached. However, it was not one of those petty kind of loneliness that stems from jealousy, but rather it was a genuine sense of solemn solitude. It just hurts to know that there are no more sacrifices made. Or at least I don't feel like there are any being made.

Lame excuses instead of sacrifices.

The greatest of lovers knew what it meant to give all, and be part of each other's lives. Telling me that we have our own lives to live does not necessarily mean that we have separate lives to live. It feels like we have separate lives to live though. If that is the case, I do not see the point in staying in this relationship if all we're to do is look out for our own individual interests.

No more sensitivity, no more close hearted sharing, no more light hearted laughter. No more. There seems to be no balance to what one should be, and what one could be.

This is really pathetic. If I'm not appreciated, then why do I give so much effort to make you happy? Why give the effort if I'm the only one who is going to give it?

Well, I hope you have a happy life. Till then, I'll remain on the shelf.

Thoughts

2008-04-24T19:45:00.000-04:00

"All my life, all I ever did was look pretty. I'm on every mainstream magazine that one young fine lady can use to lower her already depleting self-esteem. My life was paved with gold because of my "golden" face and body. I've only kept one job in my life, and that is to look beautiful for people like you. I'm not even a good mother. And look, I'm not even pretty anymore..."

Interesting quote. Also interesting how this model thinks. Moreover, interesting to find that so many girls (and boys) look up to these pop-culture catalysts and regard them in such high esteem. Media portrays them as the epitome of beauty. They make sure that beauty - in all it's meaning, dignity and power - is found on the outside of ourselves and not within. Easily, our realities are twisted by such influential parties. And it's not only the media who does this, but also our friends, family, and even ourselves.

A lot of women would probably kill me for this statement I'm about to claim... but beauty products, clothing, lingerie, and even medical advancements in aesthetics (plastic surgery) do not provide you authentic security. They do not provide authentic beauty. And it most definitely will not provide you a permanent understanding (and eternal harboring) of a higher self-esteem.

All these things are not permanent. The kind of adoration, or appreciation, one receives from such temporary means, is also temporary - and to say the least, superficial. Are they admiring you... for you? Or are they admiring something else that hides the real you?

Am I saying that every woman I meet should not care about their appearance? Am I saying that it is bad to put on beauty products, wear clothing that will make a woman feel comfortable and make her feel good about herself? Am I oppose to lifting a woman's esteem, even if it is temporary? Am I oppose to the young lady who wants to go to prom looking like a princess?

No. I'm not.

I just happen to be an advocate of natural beauty. The type of beauty that can only be found if a person looks deeper than what meets the eye.

[I cannot tell you what is beautiful. I may influence you, but I am not you. You may disagree with me. Perhaps, you may even say that beauty is found on the faces of people, their bodies or what they put on (or take away). You can tell me whether you are a "boob-guy/gal" or a "butt-guy/gal". I won't confront you with negativity. You may even tell me that the "rest of the world" do not agree with my perspective on natural beauty, because almost everyone is consumed by today's pop-culture. It's like telling me that no one cares because "everyone is doing it". No matter what I say, or do, people will behave the way they do because it is what it is. And there are so many factors that contribute to the manifesting of this foolishness.]

So in silence, I would be thinking of telling you, "go to hell." But I think you're already in it.

Real beauty, just like God, is found only when you accept it (it exists everywhere, even within you). Real beauty, just like Faith, is challenged everyday but never falters. Real beauty, just like Hope, is hard to find but will always be there. Real beauty, just like Joy, is not just felt but also understood. Real beauty, just like true love, is not just thought of but experienced and shared.

There are many examples I can give you whereby a person has taken a superficial matter/object/act/deed (call it whatever you may) and have mistakenly labelled it as a virtue. Some people have even mistaken true love for something that it is not (like sex, or money). Some people worry more about feeling "accepted" than finding their natural beauty. They reason with me with the kind of relativist approach and spit out words like, "that floats my boat, Neil". Well my friend, be prepared because at some point, that boat will sink.

At the end of this post, I do not plan to change anyone's mind. I have won half the battle if a person has taken these words and read them carefully, and later reflected on them. And for that, I thank you.

God bless, and may everyone find the courage to step up to what is true and eternal. Find yourselves within the midst of the chaos, and most importantly, believe that you can find the beautiful person that God made you to be.

For What It Is Worth

2008-04-22T14:21:00.000-04:00

I've always been curious how it feels to flirt with someone new. I've always wondered how it feels to have my childish/flirt-ish tendencies be reciprocated. In fact, I've always wondered exactly how creative I could be in my flirting experiences with someone. I wonder how they'll react, how they'll smile, and how they'll blush etc...

[I wonder...]

But it really doesn't matter.

At the end of the day... at the end of the day, I'm alone.

Sigh.

Done

2008-04-21T15:53:00.001-04:00

Done with juries! FREEEEEEEE AT LAST!

*****

i sometimes wonder if it really is all that bad to try and understand you better. why did it have to elevate into something negative? to you, it was apparent that i was, "making a big fuss" out of something you may consider as small. but i don't share the same sentiments. and i was only trying to put myself into your shoes by asking, with an honest heart - not trying to make a bigger fuss out of anything.

sigh. sometimes, i feel like i can't understand you because you don't want me to.

Day 6

2008-04-11T00:28:00.000-04:00

Tired. More time to sleep means more time to get ready for Juilliard game this weekend. Excited, but at the same time stressed.

Will be praying for safety.

Day 5

2008-04-09T10:18:00.001-04:00

Am I the only one asking questions about myself to better my mentality about our relationship? Do you not think of how you can help me to be happy? Am I alone in that too? Why am I working so hard if I'm the only one doing this?

Sigh. You don't think I love you for who you are? I want to... why would I be doing this? Sigh.

I feel like you don't love me for who I am... Sigh.

Day 4

2008-04-08T23:26:00.000-04:00

Moving fast you are, my friend. You have to take it easy. The woman may be seductive, but learn how to play it safe. I'm happy for you. It is encouraging to see that you are working out your relationship and that your past is now a resource, and not a burden. Well done my friend!

Conducting is my art. I love it. I hope that I get into intermediate conducting with Prof. Lubman. He is probably one of the best conductors Eastman has. Saw him in action today, and I must say that he is very expressive. I want to learn from him as much as I want to learn from Dr. Scatterday, and Dr. Weinert. They're all so versatile in different ways.

I've had the biggest scare today though. I was practicing conducting when I suddenly realized that my left hand was shivering a little. It was scary. It's still shivering a little. Not a lot, but I can feel it. Perhaps I'll go to the doctor and get it checked out.

*****

I get so angry sometimes. I keep giving excuses, pushing blame back and forth between the both of us in my head. It seems never ending.

I wonder every now and then why you are still loving me. I'm not the best. I feel like you deserve better, and that you deserve so much more. Look at me... I'm a disgust.

But then again, I would also think that there is no one in this world that can love you like I do. So then... why do I feel so unworthy?

I hope you're taking this break seriously... and wisely...

Day 3

2008-04-08T00:22:00.001-04:00

I'm so happy for Danny and Luke. They are now experiencing the first stages of being in a relationship. It is a great step for the both of them because they have not been in a relationship for for quite a while now.

It is ironic. They came to me for advise. But look at me. I'm the one struggling.

*****

Just watched the movie Away From Her online today. It was powerful. But one of the conversations that the characters struck me...

"What if she's punishing me?"

I thought about it for a minute, and I suddenly started feeling slightly depressed. Perhaps, I am being punished. I have no idea how to handle the situation now, and I may have no clue how to handle it later. What if I'm thinking that nothing bad really happened, but she thinks otherwise?

But do I?

I have no clue. Have I really been forgiven? Have I really been understood?

I have forgiven you...

Even though everything that was, is my fault. And I deserve whatever you throw at me...

Sigh.

Day 2

2008-04-07T01:18:00.000-04:00

Dead tired. Played a league game today, and my muscles are still sore from paintball, and soccer practice yesterday. It is just too bad that we lost this game. I let the team down because I had an open shot and missed it. I also got tackled from behind. It hurts, I dropped to the ground like a huge rock. Pisses me off because some people NEVER play fair. I hate playing with people who have no morals. I got past him and was about 5 feet away from the goal. He rebounded quick and ran after me to slide from behind, without caring for my well-being. I was ready to exchange some words, and if need be - some fists. I kept myself in-check, and reminded myself that it is in forgiving that we are forgiven.

But the jerk told me, after I got up, "sorry dude, I thought you were shooting." What has that got to do with anything? Jerk. Of course I was going to shoot. I wanted to score, and you stopped me through illegal means!

Oh well. It's over with. Just can't wait till next weekend when we go down to my hometown, New York City, to play against Juilliard. I hope it's going to be fun!

And don't even get me started with juries. Yuck~

*****

I don't understand myself. I feel like I'm the burden of your life. I feel like I can even back this claim up with so many things that I have done (not to mention, the things I have NOT done). It is just troubling, and I don't understand why I should be waiting for something to happen to relief me from these punishing thoughts. Perhaps, I could write down all these thoughts, and sort them out... yeah... I should.

Praying the rosary everyday has been helping a lot. I've been a lot calmer than I was a couple of days ago. Stress is always a factor, but I know I can use it to my advantage. Thank you Mother Mary, for looking after my loved ones and I. That takes a whole load off my shoulders, knowing that they are being looked after.

I also need to stop making excuses in my head, and just keep taking action toward a better mentality. I can't always rely on an external force. Change needs to happen from within, no matter how much help I get from the outside. Soon, I'll be able to make sense out of these troubling thoughts.

Day 1

2008-04-06T13:06:00.000-04:00

Played my first paintball game ever. It was so much fun! Getting hit hurts, but it was worth it. I have two "battles scars" that I'm extremely proud of. Among my other scars, these two are the most painful. One hit me right above my temple. It was a sweet shot, and it hurt really bad afterward. The very first time I got hit, I was shot on my right thigh. That one really hurt too... maybe because my opponent was only 5 feet away from me.

On that same day, we had soccer practice in the afternoon. That was a blast, considering I was playing goalie and every time I dove and hit the ground, my bruises from paintball would jolt with pain at the same time. Lol. No pain, no gain.

*****

I'm not leaving you. I just need to calm down a little bit so that I can be a better friend and lover to you. I want the best for you... because you do not deserve any lesser. And I blame you not. No need for apologies. You have the right to assume that I have a problem, because I myself am not running away from the fact that there's something terribly wrong with the way I think about certain things. And it needs fixing.

You're right to say that if we were close to each other, so many things are going to be fixed. However, the point remains (and it will always be a factor in our relationship), that the distance between us is incredible. I'm not saying this right now as an excuse. Perhaps there are times that I do use it as one. But let us be reminded that rather than running away from it, we could/should acknowledge it and turn this great obstacle to our advantage.

Thank you for your email. It was a beautiful sharing. I hope that you're taking this break seriously, and wisely. I hope we both emerge from it, victorious and refreshed.

I miss you.

I love you. Always.

NEVER

2008-03-29T09:27:00.000-04:00

I should have never explained anything. I should have just ignored your questions.

It's always something like this... Whereby one of us did something, therefore entitles the other to do the same. Sigh. Therefore, the hurts are constant, and the pain is never ending. No one learns how to forgive... nor how to be a Christ-like figure.

I hate this... I fucking hate this...

You'll never understand my turmoil. NEVER. So quit trying, and just let me be. Sigh.

Forget it... I need a break.

Step Aside

2008-03-28T10:08:00.000-04:00

I felt like being a jerk towards her but then I realized that I pray the St. Francis' Prayer everyday. One line commits, "it is in pardoning that we are pardoned." As hard as it is to grasp the kind of compassionate wisdom that my brethren is trying to share, we need to at least find the courage to seek out our own hearts first and ask ourselves questions that may lead us to better understanding of ourselves and then our neighbors.

I have to take time off. I have been swallowing my pride many times this past few months and I thought I could cope. The past couple of weeks, I went along in not being in a bad mood (because of you), but it only worked until you did this. Indeed it shows that you do not understand what my turmoil is. You misinterpreted when I said that, "don't make it any harder for me." That is not addressing your bitterness towards me during that hour, but rather, I was trying to point out that you have to be mindful of your actions in general. However, I experience yet again that, that is not the case.

I need this break. I need to be able to pick up the capability to understand that you will never understand what my turmoil is. I need to do this in order for you to be able to do what makes you happy, and not get bothered by me. I have been giving you the same explanation ever since the beginning, but you never seem to fully comprehend where I'm coming from. If that doesn't work, then learning how to accept your ways may be a better form of solution...

and conform. Sigh.

I hate it. However, if it is the will of God, so be it. Let it be done...

Sigh...

towards nowhere

2008-02-09T19:49:00.000-05:00

oh well. i don't know what i'm doing in this position.

God help me.

Angel

2008-01-17T10:33:00.000-05:00

did i not do my best? if this is what it leads up to, then perhaps i could have done better.

i could have.

"thank you for loving me; guiding me; holding me; comforting me & so much more... for i know now that in love, everything is possible. Thank you for loving me & teaching me how to love in the process." - 10/19/07

everything is possible in love? i highly doubt that now. skeptical to the point that i feel anger inside me. betrayed, not only by you but also by my Father. sigh. if truly i have taught you so much, then why not put them into practice? in the end, my efforts truly seem to be in vain. sigh.

"baby, i realize that you do have your fears, insecurity and confusion. all these are guesswork, and if you wish, you can tell me if it's right, add on to it or just correct me. there may be times when you're confused as to why i "choose" you over others. i feel that, it is here that insecurity kicks in. you may ask yourself, what is it that i've that attracts her to me? what if she sees someone else with even better qualities then me? or, am i good enough for her? am i doing right? and, i think that it's behind each insecurity that the fear lies. so i kind of linked it as, confused questions that comes with insecured personal questions and masked fears behind each question. haha, i don't know how true. took me a while to came to this conclusion, but i'm always open to opinions and changes from you, love." - 1/26/07

i worked so hard to show you that i'm not insecure anymore. i struggled so hard... but yet, i do not receive a lot of acknowledgement from it. it is like as if my struggle did not mean anything to you at all. this, i think, is by far the greatest change i have in me. i'm more confident of myself, at least in this aspect. but now... i feel like it is all going to crumble down again. these are lessons i took from you. lessons that i put into practice in the new me. sigh...

"it's true that i like this life that i'm living. it's as though i'm free to hang out with people i want, lack of curfews, having my own space, privacy and the chance to do the things i want." - 1/26/07

i struggled to change for this reason too. i wanted to accomodate to your wants, and not just mine. sigh.

"let's learn from the mistakes and take the effort to grow. i apologize for my actions, and i am trying to think and be a better person now... baby, i hope i'm not flooding you with my ideas, thoughts and emails. if all are too much for you to think, digest and feel, then, just tell me, alright? i want to be a person who can take opinions and criticisms well from now on." 1/26/07

did you really mean that? sigh.

"another thing i've to confess is that, i make things a lot more drastic then they seem to be in my head. it's as though the angrier i feel (and i often use anger to project depression and weakness away), the more imaginative i get in my imagery and my emotions." - 1/25/07

remember when i warned you about emotional reasoning? you knew about it too, but i suppose you just didn't know how to label it. sigh. but you knew...

"indeed happy 2 years and 10 months. i feel happier now then i was when we first got together. maybe it's because i know we've both gone through our ups and downs, been emotionally close and apart, physcially apart, but yet one thing had always kept us close - Love. i look forward to the future now even more, feeling the motivation to overcome whatever that has to be over come; knowing that no matter how tough the next battle may be, we'll tide through it together, and all these, baby, because of you. so, thank you. you and i can always choose to go through our battles alone, definitely with God by our own individual sides. but together, our hands held and hearts together, faith & trust joined, i promise, a greater, richer journey awaits. to us, baby. i love you. always." - 10/1/07

sigh. i wonder where the truth in all these statements went to. now, i'm alon again. sigh.

********

i'm so stuck. i really don't know what to think or feel anymore. i thought i'd be the better person for you now. do you remember the email you sent on 1/02/07? if you have the chance to read that, you'll be surprised at how far we both have truly come. all of those statements were painful, but i went back to them knowing i can face the hurting past. but now that i read them all, i just crumble even more to think that we've gotten so far and yet we end up on another ditch. it is very frustrating.

but now, you chose to walk away. you assume that i am all "these things" that i feel i truly am not. sigh.

stuck.

babble.

2007-09-22T23:29:00.000-04:00

sometimes, i don't know why i'm so forgiving. is it because of love? is it because i am afraid to be lonely?

i ask myself if Karol ever regretted forgiving someone. is it even possible that forgiving someone can be a mistake? its so hard to imagine that the papa regretted forgiving someone. all throughout his life, he was always a living testimony of the Christian faith. he was always ready to forgive, and accept the humanity of another being.

Karol's life is... inspiration.

although it hurts so much, it is through this pain that i know i love her. as much as i feel like i should be the one in those (painful) photographs, i cannot undo the past. it will now be a sadistic reminder of all the things that were. i wish to erase them, but can't. instead, i pray that God gives me the strength to get used to all these memories. and above all, the courage to look at those photographs and be filled with the spirit of forgiveness.

... why? why did you?

i can't help but blame myself. sigh. i feel so terrible...

and after all these... i still can't reach out. i still can't touch you. why was i so foolish to believe that you'll be here soon? why was i so foolish to convince myself that seeing you means seeing Love? why am i so foolish?

there really is no one else to blame but me. sigh...

the real task here is not whether i can forgive you. the real task, my dearest friend, is if i can forgive myself.

may i be washed down by the blood of Jesus. amen.

i dont know...

2007-09-02T00:56:00.000-04:00

i'm still confused by a lot of things. and i still think that i may not be ready for the challenges ahead of me. i'm scared to open up to anyone nowadays, and i'm afraid to show my friends who i really am.

so much have been going in my life. i dont know why things are the way they are... but i know for sure that God has His reasons.

i feel like i'm still cheated. in many ways that i cannot express. sigh.

i just don't know who to talk to sometimes. oh well...

"no one wants me"

2007-07-08T10:37:00.000-04:00

being the fool that i am, i gave all my heart to her too early again! so now, i'm once again trapped in my own humiliation. i am once again crushed, defeated, hurt, abandoned, played around with, and thrown away.

what's amazing about all these things is that my God pulled through for me again. if it wasn't for Him, i would have never found out what was really happening. thank you my Lord! to God be the glory!

why is it so painful this time around? simple. because at least in the past, in my previous relationships, my partner had enough courage to let me know about the third party. they confronted me and told me the truth straight away. it was obvious that they didn't want to be with me. no games were played. "by chance", was never a reason they gave. and at least i didn't have to live a lie. sigh.

i feel like that child again. back to that time when my real father left my mom. sigh.

my opportunity to be emo.

no. wait. my opportunity to be strong. oops.

oh well.

faith.

2007-06-18T22:57:00.000-04:00

one of my takes on it...

by no means do i have a full understanding of how it is to be a parent. but when i think of the word faith, being a parent always comes to mind. most do not remember taking our first few steps as a tod. and for most of us (who are fortunate enough), our parents were the ones who remember how the joyous event went. our parents were the ones that celebrated with us when we took our first few steps. for those of us that can walk and run, when we first found out the gift of our legs, we quickly get ourselves into trouble unknowingly. tods run into things by accident, they fall, and sometimes hurt themselves. parents guide their children by holding their hands up and encouraging them to walk. as soon as the child gets used to the feeling of walking, the child is left alone to walk by his or her own. its hard for a parent at first, but eventually, a trust is built. the kind of trust that comes from the fact that the parent has taught his or her child well. it is also the trust that his or her child can learn to be more independent.

the child quickly grows. i hear many parents claim that children grow up too fast nowadays. i agree. sometimes, i feel that children outgrow their parents in various ways quickly. i remember my mom crying when she saw my sister and i go off to college. she had to "let us go". my sis was 4 hours away by car, and i was 8 hours away by bus. bottom line is, we were both really far away from home. it was not easy to come home for the weekend because either one of us would be spending more than a hundred bucks just to see our family. it was tough.

although my mom was crying her heart out, i know she wanted us to chase our dreams. i know deep down inside her, she wanted us to grow on our own. seeing your child grow means less and less authority on them over the years, because eventually your child realizes that he or she is its own being. the child's awareness to a sense of identity becomes evident. as a parent, one can only hope that he or she had put a deep enough impact to (at least) have influenced the child's foundations. my mom cried but was very encouraging to let us grow on our own - because she knows that she had a deep enough impact on my sister's and my foundations.

this encouragement is special. it can be done silently, or with much words. it can come accompanied with actions, or none at all. it can be rejected, or simply ignored. it can be mistaken for sterness, or perhaps enlivening. sometimes, it is thrown away, but sometimes it is treasured.

i think faith works in a similar way. it is encouragement from God. He lets us grow on our own but at the same time He is not insecure about the kind of impact He has made in our lives. we have a choice to accept this very special encouragement. i find that most people that have accepted it, find it easier to accept not only who they are but also who others are. because with such encouragement brings you identity (just like how a parent's encouragement to grow on your own brings you identity). but above all, it eventually turns into trust. because when the child learns how to walk alone, the parents eventually learn how to trust the child's capability... and "let go".

perhaps, if people accept faith (encouragement from God), they will one day find that God has also learned how to trust them.

*****

i know that i have to let you grow on your own. but in many ways, i'm like a father to you. i hope you understand where i am coming from. may God bless you always.

i love you.

Monsters within...

2007-05-25T23:06:00.000-04:00

he wakes up in sweat. the same dreams about his death still haunt him. although he is afraid, he knows that life has to move on. he needs to face each day with some form of courage. he fills his mind with thoughts about everday duties that is still left to be done. it helps him calm down.

he talks to himself in front of a mirror. he knows that he's getting tired, but refuses to acknowledge it. he wants to keep fighting, even if he loses to the monsters. he fights his own demons, and fights other's. and of all demons, he's faced with the toughest to date. his friend has been suffering from fears that have cloaked her for a very long time. he wants to help her, and he wants to free her. these demons inside her are there for many reasons, and he knows that he had a lot of things to do with why they are within her. he has made it a point to chase them out of her. he knows that it is the only way to save her, and them. the only thing holding his success back is his friend herself. she's still not ready to let them go.

he pauses. he looks at the mirror and sees his own demons staring back at him. he closes his eyes and says a prayer. he knows that these forms of darkness is strong only if he lets them scare him. he refuses to be afraid. they may chase him at night in dreams, but during daytime... it is his turn to chase after them.

he fills himself with thoughts of kindness, patience and love. there, he draws his strength. he knows that love conquers all. or at least that's what he is told. he talks to God in prayer, and completes it with a sign of the cross. he opens his eyes again and looks at his reflection. he sees no more demons. for now, they are the hunted.

yet again he pauses. he turns on the tap, and lets the water run down his hands. he stares at his hands as they get washed by the cooling water. he feels tired. a little doubt in his head speaks and tells him to give up and just leave his friend to the hands of the demons. after all, she will not acknowledge his efforts to help free her. perhaps she is not aware of the energy he has put in to shed light upon the darkness. there are many times that he thought to himself, that no matter what he did - try or give up - she will not release her demons. he stops his gaze at the water and starts washing his face.

he moves to get his polo-t. as he wears it in front of the mirror, he can't help but recall the dreams that he had built with his friend. he thinks to himself, "she's confused, angry and tired." he feels a pang in his heart, but he maintains his composure. he proceeds to think that nothing is more powerful than love. all these dreams will not be lost, and will be found one day and rebuilt... perhaps these dreams will be made into reality.

he puts on his socks and pants, shoes and tie. he combs his hair back, and looks at the mirror one last time. he takes a step into the living room, and sees his friend. she lays on the couch peacefully sleeping. she is close to him, yet so far. he bends over to her ear and whispers, "life is too short. death would tell you to live, for he is coming. i know i'm not worthy to be here, but neither are you. only He, who is perfect, is. i'm trying. hard. even though i don't have to."

as he walks to the door, he hears a whisper... "mmmmm. i want my baby." his friend rolls over to her other side, and carries on sleeping. he opens the door while a tear glistens down his cheek. he knows it is all but a dream now. he whispers, "i want mine too."

and so he reaches his destination, kneels down and makes the sign of the cross. there in church, he lets his griefs out, hoping that the Almighty will hear him.

no matter what happens... at least he knows he tried.

no one.

2007-03-02T12:44:00.000-05:00

its staggering.

we play with emotions and we're unaware of it almost all of the time. and when we become conscious of these emotions, we find that we have already dug a hole so deep that it takes more effort to get out of it than fall into it.

i was getting lost in the stacks at the Rush Rhees library at the University of Rochester last night. oh boy. that place is freaking huge. so enormous that they actually need a whole building for new stacks of books, and a whole building for the old stacks of books. 5 floors each (or more, i could be wrong). being a "classical romantic", i was hanging out at the old stacks of course, on the 5th floor where one can find books about religions. shelves and shelves of scholarly articles about Christianity, and a bunch of other beliefs. i got so excited that i almost peed in my pants. if only i had an infinite amount of time, i would be spending a great deal of my life reading books in that place. calm and peaceful, sometimes eerie, i was sitting down on an old chair facing the window. the skies that night were clear, not much clouds, nor stars. it was just clear. i looked to my left and stumbled upon a shelf that had a book misplaced as it laid ontop of the other books lifelessly. the book's cover was of red leather (probably due to age), and a familiar symbol of a cross in the middle. i picked it up, opened it, and to my gentle and pleasant surprise, it was a book of prayers. prayers that has been passed down generations after generations to most Christians. the first time i flipped through the pages, my sight landed upon the very first prayer i learned as a tod. it was a prayer to God asking for His angels to guide and gaurd me. it made my night.

it scares me when someone tells me or asks me that he or she is going to partake in a certain activity, and that this certain activity is outside the norm of thinking from society's. so much of the "modern" mass thinks that "if i believe it is right, then it is right." what crap. this is how narrow minded we can get sometimes. i, too, fall into the trap. but at least i make an effort to be self-aware. the problem is when people aren't trying to be self-aware. why should we be aware?

1 + 1 = 2

i know this is right. through a bunch of theorms and proofs, we know that this is right.

1 + 1 = 3

i know this is wrong. BUT, if i believed it were right and not wrong, would you correct me? of course. obviously. so why believe in something that you "feel is right"? it doesn't make sense all the time to do so...

there is simple logic in most truths. we can easily deny claims if it is obviously wrong. but how about morality? or the ever changing modern way of thinking? or the way emotions come and go? or the way truths of life are revealed one moment, and disappear the next? am i to judge people because i feel that they are ignorant?

what bothers me is the lack of awareness people have. for example, why pick on someone's feelings? look, ask the right questions if you want to get the right answers. why would you ask a question that you already know the answers to? because you want assertion? why then become upset if you hear what you don't want? because that too is a form/kind of assertion.

i love how people turn the tables on you... even though you were the person being asked. then they pick on you because you answered their question "wrongly" (more like they don't get what they want to hear). and then you tell them that you are being hurt by their enjoyment of limited superiority through verbal attacks because you were honest with them. then they say they weren't picking on you in the first place. they weren't picking on you when they asked you a question with an expected reply (but never got it) then becoming upset and mocking your intellect because you gave them your honest opinion? what contradiction and inconsistency! i would even claim it to be a blasphemy. how is that not picking on you?

and everything else you say will be used against you, mind you. you have to keep in mind that you can never "win". you will be digging an even deeper hole if you try and defend yourself. even if they apologize that they didn't mean it to sound like they were picking on you... the fact stays that it was some form of attack. how else is it to be viewed? the question that was asked already had a pending answer or expected fall of events.

its a trap then.

and then, once you have "rebelled" enough, you are told that you are taking this all the wrong way. how nice. after reasoning out what just had happened, your efforts of trying to communicate the truths in a situation is all in vain. every single truth that came out of your mouth is ignored. why? because some modern minds would just think this... "if i think it is right, then it is right."

what contradiction. modern mind?

i'm not alive to please you and give you answers that you want to hear. instead i show another aspect of life that will not always be pleasant. i apologize that i do not aggravate the proper senses, and i do not seem to support you... but all in all, i pray you understand that a lot of my will, thinking, and passions are not determined by silly scenarios that are blurted out for the sake of hearing what you want.

it's unfair.

but like the "modern mind" some people are, they just turn the tables on you all the time. make you seem like you're the bad guy. make you feel that your opinions are insignificant, they end up doing what they want, they complain if you do not care enough for them, but they complain if you care too much.

like i said, "its a trap".

another hearing...

2007-02-11T12:49:00.000-05:00

"let us proclaim the mystery of faith"

during the preparation of the Eucharist, the priest would say this line as the congregation is kneeling down. i've heard this line thousands of times before but i never really took notice of it.

when the priest says mystery... i'm like, "which one?" there's so many. or at least that's what i thought. it bothered me a little because we were proclaiming it too! a mystery is being proclaimed?! we must be crazy.

but we are crazy. crazy about living life to the fullest through the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

so yeah... we are proclaiming the mysteries of faith. i reflected a little on it. what is the mystery? there's so much to pick from, we say? not so. what do the Catholics give as a reply when the priest says this line?

"Christ has died. Christ has risen. Christ will come again."

there is good reason why we proclaim this. we want to be saved. we want eternal life. and we want to be in the presence of God's unconditional love. there is also good reason why it is a mystery. Christ was fully man, and fully God when he walked this Earth, how then can He be two beings at one time? to die and to rise again? virtually impossible, yes. but above all, the second coming, when and how will it come?

but to proclaim a mystery. it is still unsettled in me. perhaps it is because we believe in a mystery. to believe in a mystery is pretty disturbing to some people out there. but then again, perhaps that is what faith is.

faith is to belive in a mystery then? let us be reminded that these mysteries are not meant for us to solve. God never said anything in the bible, neither is it stated in the church's doctrines that a believer should come up with an answer to these mysteries. we're not required to solve them. we are, however, required to believe in them. but why believe in a mystery if it is never going to be answered or solved by anyone?

who says a believer has to? Jesus already solved it. and He will solve it again for us. He has the answers. He fulfills these mysteries.

imagination

2007-01-01T22:30:00.000-05:00

"Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of
Pure imagination
Take a look
And you'll see
Into your imagination

We'll begin
With a spin
Traveling in
The world of my creation
What we'll see
Will defy
Explanation

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be"

the photo is my 2007 happy face! wheeee!!!

i love how the power of imagination can save one's sanity. haha. it definitely helped me save mine. new year, and i'm already facing a lot of ordeals. sweet. i can't wait for the harder ones to swing by. i mean, let's not be afraid to learn, yes? =)

you know another thing i love? the fact that when i "leave" someone's life, only then do they start opening up to what i've always been telling them. haha. we all learn. so do i. =)

another thing i love is how people cloak themselves with "knowledge". haha. they talk like they know everything there is to know about a certain subject, like religion (and God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit) when in truth they know very little. mmm.

i'm loving the fact that a good friend is coming to UofR! i remember the first time we met, we talked hours on end. it was awesome! haha. and thank you for being there when i needed a shoulder to lean on. and i'm glad we cleared things out. i just hope that i grow stronger, not weaker. and next time i cry, it'll be your turn to be there, k? hehe :P

oh yeah, shout out to my roommate! Chester! wheee! =) roommate lovers! hahahaha!!! jk~ there are many things i need to be thankful for in 2006, and one of them is meeting you. thanks for looking after me! =D

eastman peeps! Gary, Caroline, Dan Baer, Audrey and so much more! ay. the list goes on. thanks for looking out for me! =)

i'm also very thankful for a very special relationship. now, you're a figment of my romantic imagination. you're always in my prayers. stay safe always. i'm glad that you're in the road you're in. you'll always have a friend in me.

alright peeps, 2007, wish all of you a happy new year!

hosea

2006-12-30T18:15:00.000-05:00

"Come back to me with all your heart
Don’t let fear keep us apart
Trees do bend though straight and tall
So must we to others call

Long have I waited for
Your coming home to me
And living deeply our new life"

from what i know, these words are from a song. but some people have told me it's from the bible. either way, it strikes me at the heart. may this Christmas bring us closer to our family, and may we remember the that Jesus Christ is the reason for the season!

Merry Christmas to all! and a Happy New Year!

a bag of shit.

2006-11-23T17:15:00.000-05:00

heard of the book "a child called it"? this is a little version of my story...

the little boy saw the woman flustered. he wondered what he could do to help out in her situation. the boy approached with caution, hoping that his willingness to help would be appreciated. with eagerness he asked, "what seems to be the problem? do you need help?" it took only half a second for the woman to reply but it was something the little person wasn't prepared for.

"it's nothing!"

the boy waited to see if the woman's expression would change. he was hoping that her eyebrows would seperate, and her cheek muscles would relax to produce a smile instead of a frown. it was weird, because there was an awkward silence between the both of them for quite a while. more awkwardly was the fact that the boy was knowledgeable about what the woman was seeking. but she remained stubbornly silent. she would not let the little person lift a finger to aid her.

so once again he tries, "is there anything i can do?"

"it's nothing!" this time around, her face became red with rage. fear ran down the boy's spine. he almost shivered but stood his ground. he wasn't going to be rattled easily. in fact, he too became raged. yet again the boy was shoved aside. his talents were undermined. the woman was so mad. she started cursing at the boy. many a times, she hit the boy's chest causing him immense pain. he started crying profusely. there was no way to stop the pain. the boy already has a weak heart. the woman kept coming at the boy. even though the boy was screaming in pain, with lots of tears rolling from his eyes, the onslaught did not stop. abruptly, she stops everything and tries to leave him alone. as she walked away, he uttered words that drove the woman into a stubborn and immature game of charades. no matter what he did, in her eyes it was wrong. and no matter what he did, in her eyes he was the culprit for all her misery.

just the day before, the boy escaped from death. as he journeyed, a long haul of stress overwhelmed him. he tried seeking comfort in her voice, but none was found. he took time to stay easy. while his eyes were closed, he was all of a sudden thrown off his seat. a car hit a motorcycle in front of his bus. the vehicle drove past the accident scene. there laid the body of a young man, with his arms above his head and the rest of his body contoreted in such a way that only pain could describe. it was still breathing. it was still alive. the boy was thankful it was still alive. and grateful that so was he.

he couldn't find her after his journey. he reached for her but she acted like as if it didn't matter that he was alive. he was raged because he didn't know why the woman acted in such a way. she was just in a state of unreasonable confusion. little did he know that both of them were in the state of unreasonable confusion. in fact, till this very hour, he does not know what went wrong with the woman that night. the same onsalught preceded as he tried to seek comfort from the woman that night. and the same outcome afterwards - loneliness, darkness and no warmth.

he realized that he was being treated like dirt. but he sucked it all up at the end of the day. must have been love.

still in unreasonable retaliation, the woman kept mad at the boy. although the boy has already dropped his defenses, and just let the blows come at him, he was still hoping that none of his dreams would be destroyed. he takes back all he said. and kept apologizing. he prayed hard that his dreams would bloom into fruition instead of withering into thin air. it was hard to see beyond the pain, but he kept trying. he wanted her to be happy.

he just kept sucking it all in. it must have been love.

love? what is love? selfless acts.

she screamed freedom. and retaliated till the boy was used to the idea of her liberty. you'd think it'd be nice to do whatever one wants. but the boy knows better. he knows about consequences. and one is usually never prepared for the consequences that come after his or her doing. the boy knows that we cant just do what we want. it just makes this world a selfish and cruel place. does love exist in such a world? the boy reminds himself that it is all about selfless acts.

the woman might have forgotten that this boy is human too. he has a heart that feels. and he never meant any harm. he never did. he didnt mean for the situations or her misery to elevate. on the contrary, he wanted to help her find peace and happiness. he wanted to help. to help - a selfless act.

he just kept sucking it all in.

it must have been love.

ten things i realized.

2006-08-23T23:44:00.000-04:00

ten things i realized.

10) my toes are cursed. i dont know about you but i've had some pretty bad experiences with these toes of mine. i always seem to be knocking them unto things - yes, that's called being clumsy... but how about my ingrown toenails eh? hehe. that's just pure bad luck you say? oh yeah. talk about genetical defects huh? ouch. >_<

9) the hair is staying. besides the fact that May wants it to stay, i actually kinda got used to the fact that i have long hair. at first, it was just an experiment. but as it turns out, i actually like it now. a lab experiment gone wrong? nah, you guys are just jealous. hehe. :P

8) i'm a sugar addict. yes! we all have weaknesses. gosh. those honey roasted peanuts taste soooooo good! once i pop one in, i cant seem to stop. ay. and i personally feel that hershey's chocolates are my personal "mask of death". its black, just like "Death's coat"... except that its creamy and sweet too. haha. but ay. and dont even get me started with ice cream! :P

7) when i'm hungry, i'm grumpy. i didnt know i would be. i was just going along with the flow of things till my tummy figured out that its empty - apparently too empty... and my mood began to change. i needed to eat. and if i didnt get the satisfaction of something to fill my craving up with gigantic amounts of delicious food, i turn sour. mmm. maybe its true what they say - "a hungry man is an angry man". haha! when that time comes, i cant wait for my love to fulfill her "prophecies". i wonder what would happen. hehe. :P

6) i'm convinced that my girlfriend is the hottest of them all. need i say more? enough said. she's the hottest. hehe. :P i love you darling! -kiss!

5) no more magic 6? "a boost of ego for me, and a lot more screaming from you". short and sweet, ain't it love? yeah right. its anything but short. LOL! besides, how would i know that you liked the number 7 ever since you were young? must have been fate then! wait. you mean you wished for it? LOOOVVVVVEEEE! :P

4) i'm very picky with shoes. OMG. one of the biggest pain in the neck. i cant find myself nice shoes! i find it irritating myself cause i could go into more than 50 shoe shops and pick no shoe out! i went down the whole stretch of stores in Chinatown over here in Canal street, NY, and picked out none for myself. my gosh. where did i ever get those genes?

3) i actually look good in jeans. i remember my love telling me that i'd look good in jeans. i disagreed. but my mind changed its stand recently. neil never wears jeans. anyone who knows me, knows that i dont like jeans. cargos are my type and i've never worn jeans since like 4 years ago? yes. its been THAT long. but wow. i never thought this day would come. so what's next? imagine the possibilities! endless~ haha! anyway, thanks love! =)

2) i actually like window shopping. i bet my love is soooo happy to see this. haha. days on end love, we'd go days on end without money in our pockets and yet still be able to have fun "shopping". haha! =)

1) you're awesome. we just have too much fun. but i want more. so i wont complain! too much? yeah right! LOL! can't get enough of you! haha! can you get enough of me? :P

guilty.

2006-08-12T12:20:00.000-04:00

guilty.

we pay for our own actions. that's how this world works. and that's how i know i'm paying for mine. no matter how much i cry about it, what's done is done. be wise my friends: think before you act. you'll regret a lot of things if you don't. as i am regretting now. i ought to know more things by now.

in the midst of all these guilt, i'm hopeful. i've been praying for forgiveness, and healing. not only for me, but for you and the both of us as well. though i know i'm receiving my punishment, in the back of my head i know that time will heal all things. i just have to be there when its happening. for now, i just have to be convinced that i'm getting what i deserve.

you're awesome. and i am unworthy. this is how much disgust i hold for myself. so much guilt that i become insecure, to the point where i can just think of what i did and start crying.

i feel like i'm on a ship that's about to sink. i know, i know. i shouldnt think about it this way. but whenever i see you, and sense your lack of believe in me - us - i get reminded of everything that has gone wrong. sigh. i dont wish to... but my guilt takes over. and i ask questions. which irritates you.

i guess the worst part of it all is that i'm called to give up dreams (hopes and 'wants' as well) that we both have built. this is really heavy, and definitely not easy for me. but i'm willing to do anything to fix the matter. sigh. you're more important.

i should be happy for not everything is lost. i know, i'm putting on a lot of unecessary burden on myself. sigh. but what am i to do?

i may be dumb... but i'm no fool. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for everything...

20th

2006-08-02T20:30:00.000-04:00

20th

"baby, is okay. i'm here."
"baby, take my hand when you're in pain. squeeze it if you must."
"baby, i'll always be here."
"baby, shhhhh. don't be silly. i'm here for you."
"baby, i'm here. sayang your back."
"baby, its okay now. your love is here."

i'll always be around for you, love. truthfully speaking, as the time passes, i feel you getting closer and closer to me. i can't wait really. but at the same time, i'm being patient. weird, but true. and i bet it goes for you too. =)

recently, i've been able to show you how something so small can grow so big. and as you put it, "flexible". haha. it's just so funny how we can humor about such things. and its also great how we can relate to each other in different ways that only we can understand.

indeed, 20 years from now, when we look back in our lives, these past few months would be the highlight of our journey. i know that there'll be more to come... but this test of distance made us closer. hear that? "the test of DISTANCE, made us CLOSER." that's something to smile about, yes? =)

thank God for another month. and thank you.

you'll always be the most beautiful person i've ever known. =)

i love you, May.

my comp's for sale!

2006-07-31T06:49:00.000-04:00

my comp's for sale!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/sys/188228577.html

check it out! =)

2006-07-22T00:41:00.000-04:00

have you ever known anyone so well that you've seen all sides to him or her?

if i asked you, "do you know me enough to judge me?" - what would your answer be?

you know what's weird? i always tell people, "i'd rather you hate me for who i am, than love me for what i'm not"... but i have difficulty in applying this philosophy to some other person than myself. i always have a certain perspective of how things should be. and i've lost my awareness to the fact that my so called open mind isn't so open anymore. and not to mention, but my so called open heart isn't so open anymore either.

i find it so hard to trust people now. maybe because i'm still struggling to learn how to trust myself. i'm still learning how to let go of so many damn things that have happened in the past that still come to haunt me from time to time.

and i believe that the worst part of it all, is that i have this confidence in me to think that i'm right in most situations. its not that i dont admit to my mistakes, i actually almost always do... but i still carry on babbling about how things should be rather than take it all in the way it is. and its really hurting a lot of people.

if there was really one thing that i could change about myself... it'll just be the way i open my mind and heart to life again. and truthfully speaking, a lot of people tell me that my religion has held me back... but seriously, no one holds me back except myself. doesn't that go for most of us? hehe. Anyway, God made us all equal didn't he? He loves EVERYONE. no exceptions. we're all His creation, yeah? He sees us all as His children, right? so what gives me the right to judge?

besides, i don't think i know anyone enough to truly say what they are. what would i know anyway? it's insignificant to them. it should be. it's their life, not mine.

***
something old comes up to haunt us every now and then... but keep up with faith my friend. and no matter what, i'll be here by your side. i promise. whatever it takes, i swear i'll go through it with you.

the 19th.

2006-07-01T00:08:00.000-04:00

the 19th.

"baby girl" - that sounds soooooo mushy when stated in a certain way. but thats how i suck up to you. haha. oh crap. i told you the secret. please let it work on you still? lol. then again i've got other names such as... little princess, angel, my love, my dearest... want me to keep going? hehe.

so its a fact - i'm crazy about you. and its obvious because you know i think you're perfect. don't be sad now. lol. nothing's gona change my mind about it. you know how much i adore you. maybe i adore you so much so that its becoming a sin. haha. God's jealous. hehe.

this rare condition of a muscle of the heart inflamming causing a ventricle to fail, brought complications to us. but you cared. such care and concern was never showered upon me. its hard at times, and i know how much you want to break free from such agony. i wish things were different when it comes to this sickening state of being. but someday, i'll be free from it. i promise. someday, we'll be free from it. i guarantee. -smile-

sometimes we find it so hard to communicate. but we still do eventually. and i truly appreciate how much you've opened up... i know its not easy for you. but i'm here. and always will be. so take your time. i do pray that i've been patient enough. at times i blow my top off too, i'm sorry. i get carried away in the situation too...

we laugh about so many things together. some of the jokes are just not for blogging. haha. but we both know how much fun we can have. from the little things to the big things. hehe. or from the little things that grow big. lol. or even the big things that become small. lol.

Marissa and Dante would be so lucky. their mother's perfect. haha. no kids that are hyper? oops. sorry love, you could pretty much assume that your kids will be like that... -points to my face- eh, wait! -give you puppy eyes- hehe.

i'm content. life's complete with you. and that's what matters. you truly are my everything. it's no wonder why God got me to know you in this manner. our time will come. onward to forever. i love you. HAPPY 19TH MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!!

change.

2006-06-13T06:56:00.000-04:00

change.

change is the only constant thing. and i find myself adapting to something new all the time. i dont know how easy it is for you, but its pretty tough for me. its fun in its own way, but it gets tiring at times. but over all, its worth it.

i've spent many hours thinking about you. cant really seem to get you off my mind. you flood even my prayers. haha. i pray that as the days pass by, we'll be brought closer to each other. i seriously am lost on what your plans are to pull this one off... and everytime i speak and console you about it, you just seem to blow. could be a variety of reasons. one being trust. but i hope you dont take it personally everytime i ask, because i'm not trying to offend. i'm trying to understand. that's all. being impatient comes later. and that's a weakness i need to fight. i'm sorry for showing so much weakness. i didn't mean to hurt you with anything i said.

i'm just counting days now, really. i just cant wait for that day to arrive where i'll be so excited i could pee in my pants. i've been thinking about it the whole day. the times we'd spend together, and everything.

anyway, i love you too baby.

the 18th.

2006-06-01T18:47:00.000-04:00

the 18th.

so i'm 20. haaaaaaa. it's kinda crappy cause here in NY, you're only "legal" when you're 21. and gosh, i'm not a teen anymore. i'm stuck in the middle guys. wah. help? haha.

it's weird cause this time around, i actually wanted a lot of things for my birthday. well, mostly money. but its okay. i didn't really receive any. hahaha. but it's all good! there were better gifts that came along the way.

there were a lot of things that had happened. i've learned a great deal during my 19th year in life. hehe. a lot of "growing up" done. yeah, "look, neil's 20." lot's of growing up indeed. -rolls eyes- haha. but with all seriousness, it's not that bad. i celebrated my 18th month of being with the most wonderful girl in the universe the next day after my birthday. that's a gift right there. i'm really thankful for all that we've gone through. and truely grateful for all that you've showed me to educate me as to who you really are. i've learned that love can win all bounderies because of you.

that night, i was tired and aggravated. i didn't know how to control myself, and it just exploded. i didn't mean to make you worry. i was seriously trying to control myself. but i failed. i'm sorry. but regardless of what happened that night, i'm still here. and i still love you with all my heart. a lot of people say i pamper you too much. haha. i don't care. i believe in karma. hehe. but yeah, i've seen you at your worst, but i've also seen you at your best. and in a similar fashsion, you've seen me at my worst and best too. but no matter what happens, you'll always be my love.

of all the gifts that i could have received on my birthday, none was more joyous than receiving greetings from my relatives, celebrating my 18th month anniversary with May Yuzaw, turning 20 (yeah right~), and above all... having my love back home safely.

so love, the next time you fly, it'll be into my arms, right? -smile-

oh please.

2006-05-15T20:12:00.000-04:00

oh please.

i'm a thinking being.

why blame it all on her? oh please. had enough of your cries today. it's all the same. you, him, and the rest of the so called matured people - all trying to judge and never acting on their own preaching. just like the case with my sister. trying hard to understand? but not let go? what irony. you gave a so-called fair opportunity, but every other thing that he did became an opportunity to find fault with my sister? my sister? my sister doing bad things? oh please! why would she? and where would have she picked those "bad things" up? oh please. reflect. reflect not on our doing, but what environment we have been nutured under. and when another gets mad in the house - its not okay, but when you blow up - its okay? i'm human too for crying out loud. dependant? hell no. you want me to depend on you more like it. i'm 20 and i'm still wearing diapers? bah.

i already said its my fault. i'm taking the blame for MY actions. no one else is at fault except me. geez. its not like i got her pregnant. its not like i killed her. its not like i've been selling my body. its just a freaking bill - not a death sentence. bah. it CAN be fixed.

my money is going to a waste? hold on. the point is, it's MY money. even that, i cant have control of? geez.

you talk about hardship, so what? everyone's got something up their's. its all the same.

how can you say that it'll never be accepted? so now it's forbidden? bah. try and stop me. oh well.

the many times that you've caught me in a "bad mood", are you even sure i was in a bad mood? i'm seldom in a bad mood. most of the times thinking, but rarely bearing a grudge. it's when people piss me off that i give back an attitude. everyone close to me knows that. and shouldn't you? i was calm. real calm. but you had to blow my top off. there are days where i would be praying with her, and you'd take it like as if i just came back from hell. but in truth, i was praying with her. we were talking to God. is that so bad? why? dont you talk to God with your husband? defending her? bah. i'm defending myself. its not about her, it was about me. it was about my choices, my desicions, and my actions. i take responsibility in such actions. i'm no baby who'd just cry, say nothing and run away. i'll stand up for myself. expect that. it's not disrespect. you took it as if it was. it's called standing up for oneself - welcome to the 21st century.

its not that i can live on my own, but damn, what do you want me to do? the way you find fault in every relationship that comes along the ways of your children is just uncanny. if there was an award for such things, you'd get it. like seriously, so what's your point? you want me to live on my own? sure. i'd do it if i have to. you suddenly got angry, hating another person's guts for your own son's actions? wtf?

you are obliged to him? oh please. save the crocodile tears. i'm not married to her? so what? i love her. isn't that what really matters? so you mean to say that if you weren't "married", you wouldn't be obliged? wtf? marriage was the contract? not love? wtf?! I LOVE HER! and that's why i don't feel obliged. besides, even if i was defending her, i bet you'd defend your husband in the same way too, wouldn't you? boo yah! right back at you~

oh please. i'm not letting her go. it'll take more than just a stupid bill. i already admitted my mistake, even said i'm sorry. i took down my pride. i even dared you to take a close look at the next one. geez. talk about being unreasonable.

and so i say that i have problems too, but look at my role models. talk about perfection? i see none. so dont expect anything like that from me. you want me to learn? well then, why cant my experiences be a learning process for me to be stronger? why can't my relationship be a stepping stone to a better me? why does it seem like you struggle for me in my relationship? you care? or you just really don't want to let go? we all go through problems, dont we? so you notice the really "bad days" but never notice the really good ones? wtf? so what's that suppose to mean? i'm suppose to back away from a fight? that's not how you taught me. that's not how i was raised.

in all respects, i'm just like you.

all problems i see in the world and in myself are related to YOU, not to her. you are the root of what my natural reactions to life are. dont go blaming someone else for it. you were there ever since day one. you should know better. i'm a direct reflection of you. so dont come crying to me telling me how much fault you've found in me and my life. I AM YOUR LIFE.

i'm grateful. but i'm not a pushover. not even her can do that. none of you can. no matter how much you love me, or no matter how much i love you, none of you can push me around just like that. i'd fight. and you know it.

i hit myself? i always do. you say you become mad? well you already were. and you do the same things whenever you argue passionately with anyone here at home. so save the tears because like i said, i'm a carbon copy.

geez. wind, blow it over.

no gift? haaa. we all pitched in. so why cant you say that to my sister, or brother? we ALL pitched in. bah. no gift? going up to Carnegie Hall for you guys wasn't a gift? so whats that then? you're not proud of me? then wtf? i went up there feeling proud to be one of yours, but hell - i didn't even get any sort of affirmation from none of you. geez. so that's suppose to make me happy?

for heaven's sake, know what you want.

then talk to me.

music is a drug

2006-05-11T00:34:00.000-04:00

music is a drug.

got caught in the eye of the storm recently. i'm glad we survived.

somehow, i welcomed the mixture of feelings that were rumbling through my mind and soul during these recent nights. crying myself to sleep never felt better. what else could i do but pray, hoping that the Mighty Hand would listen? i'm pretty sure He did. if He didn't, then we wouldn't be where we are now. then again, maybe it was just the choices that we made. but isn't that what we really are? "we are the choices we make."

the scorpion and the frog. heard of that story? was talking to friend and got reminded of this tale.

there was once a scorpion who wanted to cross the river but did not know how to swim. fearing to drown, it looked around for help and found a frog nearby. the scorpion asked the frog if he could help carry him across the river. the frog laughed at him and said, "i'm not stupid. you're just going to sting me." in reply the scorpion said, "i can't do that. if i sting you, i'll sink with you and die." So the frog after giving it some thought agreed to help the scorpion. the scorpion mounted the frog and off they went to the other side of the river. half way across the river, the scorpion stung the frog. the frog asked in surprise, "why did you sting me?" and in reply the scorpion said, "i'm a scorpion. i can't help it."

people do that. at some point in our lives, we drop our masks and reveal our true selves. and when our true selves show, we bring down anyone we cling on to (or anyone who clings on to us) even if we 'sink and drown' with them. we just cant help it. we cant pretend or act to be someone we're not forever. at some point in time, our true selves will emerge.

but what sets a human being apart from a wild animal?

our ability to make choices. animals cant make choices like we do. a fly would be attracted to a seemingly harmless light where it would electrocute itself and lead itself to death. a shark would go berserk with the smell of blood even if it was just a drop. a bear would protect its cubs even if there was just one. a frog would eat its babies just to fill their hungry tummies. a dung beetle would push a ball of dung and not a ball of hair. if humans were meant to be like wild animals, then we wouldn't be able to come up with languages, music or logic. we wouldn't be able to sort our complicated emotions. we wouldn't be able to fall in love and stay in love. we wouldn't be able to say yes to our God. but guess what... we did.

sounds nice as i praise our ability to be smart? not really. animals are so predictable. unlike humans. we can make choices. we can make a choice that no one would ever expect. and that's part of life. just like no matter where we are or what point we are in our lives, someone or something would expect some form of effort from us is also a part of life. the choices that we make is what makes us contradicting. this ability is what makes us so unpredictable. and that's why we're so unique. because we crave for so many things - freedom, happiness, inner peace, but all we have to do is make a choice.

so the truth still stands. "we are the choices we make."

***
i'm not leaving.
there is a bond too special,
it can never be broken.
no matter how unpredictable life can get between us,
i'll stay,
as your true friend,
your one companion,
and lover.
you are who you are,
but i love you,
and i love YOU.
because if i didn't,
i would have been broken by now.
no one can "act" for that long.

i have realized how i affected you.
i'm sorry.
but i'm full of gratitude.
i didn't think i'd get another chance,
to once again prove myself.

we're the same.
if we both sit down,
to stop and think,
and solemnly reflect,
we both would find that we're the same.
yet different.

but i'm not going away.
i can't.
i love you too much.

i love you. i do...

17th month.

2006-05-05T00:31:00.000-04:00

17th month.

ohhh yeah. amazing. its so true what my love says, about how worth it everything will be in the end. if one was to ponder about what we're going through as a couple, many relationships pale in comparison. if you really think about it, we're "strong" people. and of course, it's also because of the love we have for each other.

i really admire how patient you are with me. furthermore, the way you put so much belief in me is unmatched by any other. and it's all the simple reason of because you love me. i wouldn't want to have faced the last 17 months any other way. so many lessons learned, and so many experiences shared. i'm just really in awe whenever i take a while and sit to think about what we have as a couple.

i am so totally in love with you.

HAPPY 17th MONTH ANNIVERSARY!

***

new look?

so people... obviously, i lost a bet on this one. Haha~

thoughts

2006-03-01T23:15:00.000-05:00

thoughts.

it was 2000, in June, that the band came up with one of it's most memorable events - "torture night". haha. there was tension going on. everyone broke a sweat that night... some were even forced to reconsider if they should stay in the band or not. obviously, the band isn't for wussies. and a lot of us faced that harsh reality that night. i was just a young brat in those days. i couldn't even feel my body that night. i was just numb. and i'm sure most of the guys were too. how would you like it to run around the dirty, wet, rugby field in the middle of the night? oh yeah... they made us do sit-ups and push-ups and star jumps while running in what seemed as endless circles. sure, it was something none of us has experienced before but hey... it took a lot of guts from 12 year old boys to withstand such enormous pressure on our bodies. but we did.

come to think of it... that really perpared most of us for what's coming up ahead. my batch knew how to be serious at times when needed, and how to have fun when all things are in place. i have never seen my batch stop working to better themselves. they have brought the band to a whole new level. they were as serious, yet fun, in all ways. and what's so nice about the band was that we didn't really care about numbers. well, alrite, so yeah, we kinda did. but numbers were no where near our definition of "band spirit".

i was all about unity. i did a lot of "crap" in the eyes of the band memebers. not many would understand what was going through the head of their so called leader. haha. but i'm sure, that when my peers, and students, look back at the times that my face turned absolutely red because of shouting in anger, yet balanced with creativity and insight, most would find the wisdom that was behind it all.

i remember telling one of my ex-girlfriends, that she would never take "first place" in my heart... cause it was already taken by a family of musicians. the band has filled the gaps in my heart, and it was my second home. correction: it IS my second home. and always will be.

and to think... we've all grown up. most of us facing new challenges, some getting back their A's, and others going to the army and others just being themselves. well, whatever it is, they all came from one family... and they branched out their own products on the way. but to just remind you people, those of you who got back your scores for the A's... be happy! for those who are contented, you've got the world in your hands! and for those who aren't, well... those marks don't make who you are anyway. i'd say that to myself too you know... i'd look at my paper and go "well, getting a 72% in my math doesn't make Neil." and it definitely doesnt make you either. what you are is more than just what those marks present. realize that. you're still in control. remind yourself of that.

i miss you guys. greatly.

***

its been 15 months. whoa. it truly feels like it just flew by, then all of a sudden you wake up and WAHLAH, it's already 15 months since you first started out with the one you love. so yeah, before, i had this thing whereby i'd tell my girlfriend that she's not my priority... but i realized that it can't always be that way. haha. in fact, i realized that there should be a set of priorities for everyone, and we need to choose them really wisely. so i sat down and told myself that my love is actually one of my priorities. haha. lots would disagree and say that i'm still young. heck. i love her. and i'd rather learn from all these experiences now than later.

so happy though! hehe. 15 months! that's a first. hehe.

i realized that i'm not only in a relationship... i'm actually engaged. hehe. so cool. like i told my love, i could strike a pose and say "i'm engaged". haha. if only i had that dashing smile to wrap it up with. hehe. =D

***

Manhattan School of Music audition on Friday, March 3rd. ooo. i'm excited. i hope i do well. pray for me you guys? alrite??? -puppy eyes-

March is like crazy... March 10th, i'm performing in my high school. then on March 31st, i'll be playing in the Philippine Consulate, in Kalayaan Hall. ooo, then i'll have my Carnegie Hall auditions again next month! hopefully, i make it for the second time. =D

so yeah... busy busy busy. just took off to post something. got bored too. hehe.

listen to the music...?

2006-02-25T23:03:00.000-05:00

listen to the music...?

Sana maintindihan nyo to... pero ang aking puso ay umiiyak. wala akong nagawa buong lingo kung hindi umiyak ay ng umiyak. sumakit ang puso ko nang todo. hindi ko alam kung yung ginawa ko ay tama. sana naman tama. at kung hindi, eto nanaman ang luha.

grabe, walang tigil. parang hindi nya rin naiintindihan kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman ko. parang napaka-selfish din nya minsan. pero ito, its a sacrifice. okz nah yun, basta matuwa sya. minsan nga lang, parang baliwala rin yung ginagawa ko... lagi pa rin sya nagagalit saakin, tapos yun, hindi naman kami nagkakaintindihan kasi wala rin syang sinasabi masyado. oh well.

minsan, pakiramdam ko, na hindi nya ako pinapansin. lagi na lang ako naghihintay. pero ganun talaga, at ang layo nya. yet another fact i have to accept. pero cge, okay lang yan. isipin na lang na gaganda ang lahat...

kaya ko kaya pa nang isang pang ganun klasing araw? ang hirap. grabe. pero eto, buhay pa rin. salamat sa Diyos at buhay pa rin.

di ko lang maintindihan yung sarili ko... alam ko na mahal nya ko, pero gustong gusto ko na pinapansin nya ako. oh mans. parang isang bata talaga ako... tanga cguro talaga ako. hindi ko ba nakikita na mahal nya talaga ako?

***

my love's package arrived today! i'll take some photos and let you guys see. =D

thank you so much for the time and effort you've put in love. you're amazing.

thank you.

thank you.

thank you.

i love you!

and so we meet.

2006-02-08T18:35:00.000-05:00

and so we meet.

the auditions are all here. and they're all here at full swing. my heart is heavy... everywhere i turn, there is something on my path to tackle. i've never been tested in this manner before.

financially, my family's crapping. 250 bucks just to have a lesson with Mr. Aranov. Sheesh. i'm not even sure if i can get into manhattan school of music. and so instead of finding support, i get bawled at. well... that's what you get Neil for being such a late bloomer. and if the other schools accept you? what happens to the 250 bucks? gosh... i'll just pay for it then.

and what about Mr. Berstein? i hope he's not gona tell me that he'll be charging 250 bucks too. gosh. that's such a huge whole in my pocket. i'll be paying for both anyway. oh well. i duno where i'm going with all these...

i know i have to hang on. but i don't even know if i'll be able to get what i want. God's never gona do that, He'll only give me what i need.

i've been so stressed out that i broke down and cried to myself for half an hour. My love was trying to comfort me... but she only got frustrated cause i wouldn't tell her what's wrong. i duno. i feel like i've been to harsh on her too. reality is, if both of us are always this stubborn, we're gona find it difficult to cope with a lot of things. i'm not gona lie, i've been trying. in fact, i've been trying really hard. but when you feel so low about yourself, its not hard to feel stressed up, anxious or depressed. but i just strive on.

i don't really know who to turn to. as of now, the one i love isn't very happy with me. oh well. i feel stressed but what can i do? choose to be stagnant? feel even more stressed? do something about it? but what? oh well.

well, if only i knew what Jesus would do...

the 14th.

2006-02-03T16:53:00.000-05:00

the 14th.

its been 14 months since we've started out. well, to put it simply... it's been amazing. lots of learning experiences. and yes, i'm putting an effort into changing my habits. i want to see you happy. and i'm going to try my utmost best to please you no matter what. sounds crazy? sure. but people do crazy things when they're in love.

i've fallen hard for you. haha. =)

but yes, we're not making new walls for ourselves, but new dreams. i've built my dreams around you. and it was so touching how you said that you wouldn't let me give up on me, or on you. *HUGS. you're so awesome.

i'm blessed to have someone like you.
thank God i found you.
you're the one who's perfect. haha.

i love YOU.

expectations

2006-01-12T16:53:00.000-05:00

expectations.

no one truly understands the whole story. i'm complicated. and no one truly can grasp the meaning of that. to know what it truly means, they would have to go through the same battles that i went through.

at a young age, i was already made a leader.
i was given great responsibilities since young.
and my mentors, parents and friends found out that i was capable of performing.
and in performing, i meant carrying out my responsibilities.
i was able to answer to the authorities, with authority.
i was able to be a brother to a whole bunch of people who didn't even truly know me.
most never even tried.
they just knew one aspect of me.
i was able to perform in a hall, ever so famous, yet my deficiency on my possessive instrument was evident.
i'm not one of the best, but i run the race.
all i ever did was not to give up.
to give up is a question that will forever haunt me.
and you.
and some of my closest friends know how much of a fighter i can be.
or how much a survivor i can be.
i was able to pull my grades up!
though many of my SAS teachers would have thought of it as impossible.
i've had friends come up to me to talk about their lives.
i'd listen.
i'd pitch in some advice if i had any.
i have been hated for being truthful.
i have been loved for being true.
they were thankful.
they were angry.
i was joyous to help out.
i have taken risk after risk, and ended up in places not many people have set foot on.
not unless you know how to take risks yourself, you will never know why i am the way i am.
i braved through trials that seemed unattainable.
but i fell many times too.
even cried my heart out at night.
i left home.
twice.
make that three.
i've left faces.
and met new ones.
in which i don't even remember all.
i've loved.
and i've been loved.
and now i'm in love again.
and being loved.
thank God for that.
i've been patient.
with myself.
and whole bunch of other people.
i hope my last straw is still far, far away.
i let my heart speak first, then my mind.
that's why my hands are always ready to reach out and help.
i went through many operations.
and went back on the operating table more than once in a night.
i've been touched by the Holy Spirit.
i've learned, but not taught.
i fell into a fight before.
alone.
and in a group.
i smoked.
i drank.
and i still do.
sometimes.
i've seen different places, and learned a great deal about people through travel.
but travel made me weary.
now all i want to do is settle down.
i've kept my chin up through the hard times.
be it my father leaving.
be it the lack of talent.
be it a heart break.
be it lonliness.
be it bad health.
be it whatever.
and my chin is still up.
makes heaven more visible that way.
but i'm only human.
that means i get tired.
who doesn't?
i was able to encourage, push and motivate.
and to some, even change their lives.

fancy that.

feel the irony?

i was given a talent, but i bloomed late. the piano is a monster. and my master. or at least in some ways. it could be hated for many reasons. but it could be loved for many more reasons. i have forgotten that if i want something badly enough, and that i work hard for it... the whole universe will conspire to help me make that dream a reality.

you're right, love. many push themselves but somehow find that the last stretch is the hardest. many give up even though they only had one more step to take to finish the race. what a waste. but that's why i still run the race, yes? i keep up. or at least try to.

even the best fall down sometimes.

two words. "only human".

have faith.

2005-11-27T11:52:00.000-05:00

have faith.

Our Father (the prayer Jesus taught us)
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed by thy name;
thy kingdom come;
thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive us our sins
as we forgive those who sin against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Holy Mary (we ask our Holy Mother to intercede for us)
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with you!
Blessed are you among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

(take some time to talk to our Holy Mother...)

Glory to the Father (afirmation of our faith)
Glory to the Father, and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit:
as it was in the beginning,
is now, and will be forever. Amen.

Angel of God (we trust that God will send us His protection)
Angel of God
my guardian dear
to whom God's love,
entrust me here.
Ever this day
be at my side
to light and guide
to rule and guard. Amen.

POWERFUL NOVENA
O Jesus, Who hast said,
ask and you shall receive,
seek and you shall find,
knock and it shall be opened to you,
through the intercession of Mary,
Thy Most Holy Mother,
I knock,
I seek,
I ask that my prayer be granted.

(Make your request)

O Jesus, Who hast said,
all that you ask of the Father in My Name,
He will grant you through the intercession of Mary,
Thy Most Holy Mother,
I humbly and urgently ask Thy Father,
in Thy Name,
that my prayer be granted.

(Make your request)

O Jesus, Who hast said,
Heaven and earth shall pass away,
but My word shall not pass,
through the intercession of Mary,
Thy Most Holy Mother,
I feel confident that my prayer will be granted.

Prayer to the Sacred Heart of Jesus
O Heart of Jesus,
Fountain of every blessing,
I adore you,
I love you,
And with a sincere sorrow for my sins,
I offer you this poor heart of mine.
Make me humble, patient, pure,
And obedient to your will.
Grant that I may live in you and for you.
Protect me in the midst of danger,
Comfort me in my afflictions,
Give me health of body,
Assistance in my temporal needs,
Your blessings on all that I do,
And the grace of a holy death. Amen.

Jesus, Gentle And Humble Of Heart,
Touch Our Hearts And Make Like Your Own.

the difference.

2005-11-25T18:50:00.000-05:00

the difference.

not everyone asks for help... but i'm naturally capable of lending a helping hand.

but how weird can weird get when the one you truly want to help doesn't ask for help, and doesn't seem to accept the help you wish to give.

so i suppose that's just too bad? yeah... sure.

i believe in karma. what you give is what you get. but i also believe in fucking up. haha. i expect too much.

my past that so called shaped me to who(what) i am is full of crap. sigh. wish i could go back and be a different person. someone more "perfect". yep. then maybe i wouldn't need to think so much. maybe i would have been more like you. and then we both would be happy. and maybe, i'd be satisfied to the fullest extent. maybe that's why we have problems communicating. because in the back of our heads we say, "some things never change". i wonder why.

i'm aware of my flaws. and i don't know what to do about them. all i know is that i'll hurt you again. oh well.

we're fully aware of the power of "choice". but sometimes, our humanity overwhelms us and our nature to be ignorant takes over.

i don't know how you do it. you don't let it affect you. using the power of choice? most likely. i guess i'm just more humane? haha. or maybe i'm just really weaker. my heart seeks for the hurt. its so weird. i say i'm used to it. but am i, really? haha. only one way to find out.

i want to help. but i don't know where to start. so i just pray. i don't know. i'm beginning to feel lost again.

i've been making it so hard for us. sigh.

i want to apologize... but i don't know if i'll be forgiven. i've said sorry too many times already.

sometimes, i feel like we don't know what we want. and we give excuses for the real feelings that are deep down inside us. that's not being truthful though. but we can't help it. we're both cowards. we don't want loneliness to fill our guts.

i'm prepared for the worst though. i just hope i don't break first.

God... keep me strong.

God... keep us strong. Amen.

a chance.

2005-11-07T16:10:00.000-05:00

a chance.

- what was it I said that made you angry?
- anger? uneasiness? irritation? weariness? and then pain comes... and it let's you live again?
- living double standards? and it's complications?
- running through your head? what?
- what is it you want of me now then?
- why do i feel like you're running away?
- why do i feel a sense of fear from you?

i'm so lost. i don't understand anything anymore.

***

you say you are selfish. but i think i can handle that. you already know i'm a fool for you. you already know that given an opportunity, i would call you. given an opportuniy, i would die for you.

so where do i stand? am i to stay, or to go? i don't understand what you want of me now. but nevertheless, i still say what i've said more than once before, that at the end of the day, i'd still be here loving you regardless.

i love you to the extent i'd go away. all you have to do is tell me.

it's not painful anymore. the pain has subsided. now, i'm numb. i don't know what to feel except to feel lost.

GOD KNOWS I LOVE YOU.

***

i fail You. and i fail you. and i fail me.

i've been resisting the cold. i've been intuned with spiritu mundi. i feel it's presence everywhere i go. and so i think of myself as an alchemist. i am a "man of the desert". and yet i fight the cold. i can talk to the wind, the sun, the sky, and even the animals. i share with them my spirit, and they do the same with me. the voices i have been hearing all throughout my life have emerged to something more haunting. i can't explain it. but i'm not afraid. it is not evil. that i'm sure. in fact, the feeling is divine.

maktub - it is written.

i suppose it has been all the praying i have been doing. for hours i have been praying. i amazed myself for i never thought i could do such a feat on my own. oh well.

have faith.

11 months

2005-11-02T14:44:00.000-05:00

11 months.

we've shared so much.

thank you.

it just keeps getting better and better. the amount of love i have for you is mounting up to some infinite entity. go figure. we started out as friends, clicked from then on. and after a few months, we're suddenly partners. soulmates even. we still remember our first romance, our first phone chat, even our first "kiss"! and it feels like it was only yesterday. it's just so beautiful, love. thank you. for everything.

it has been a massive learning experience for me during the past couple of months. i was trying my best to be there for you. forgive me if there were times where i fell short of my goal. and forgive me for the times where i made you feel exasperated. "it wasn't you, it was me". and to set the record straight, i'm still learning so many things about you everyday. i just pray that you don't stop giving me the space to grow slowly with you. as you know, it takes time for me to process certain things. and to those certain things, i just pray we always come up with a compromise.

it's been tough on both of us. but that's okay. because at the end of it all, you and i conquered our obstacles. and we will be conquering our future obstacles together! i may have acted on impulse during the times of hardship, but later on my heart was set in giving in to you. i always give in to you. i don't know why. i guess i'm afraid i might lose you if i become stubborn and had it my way instead. i hope i've not deprived you from your dreams.

i love you greatly. and it's just amazing how we both have been working things out for the past 11 months. you're just simply awesome, love.

Happy 11 months my beloved!

i love you so much. period.

i yearn for you to let go.

2005-10-21T06:12:00.000-04:00

i yearn for you to let go.

the last few days were punishing, but valuable. praying to God was always one of my fortes, especially at times of trouble. i ought to be careful not to seek Him only during bad times, but also during the good. well... it just so happen that these times are harder than most trials i've been put through.

i love you with the love of the Lord. this is why love is reason enough for me. God's love is reason enough for me. reason enough to be patient, kind and respectful. but i grow weary... why? because i'm only human. no matter what anyone says, being a human being means we naturally depend on other human beings for something - anything. and sometimes, we lack the capacity to be generous. but that's all right. being under God's guidance calls us to be forgiving. i believe that it can be very hard. to forgive others, and to forgive yourself, isn't the easiest action to take in this world.

but i am always called to...

so i found the famous 1 Corinthians 13 in the bible helpful...

I may be able to speak the languages of men and even of angels, but if I have no love, my speech is no more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell. I may have the gift of inspired preaching; I may have all knowledge and undrerstand all secrets; I may have all the faith needed to move mountains - but if I have no love, I am nothing. I may give away everything I have, and even give up my body to be burned - but if I have no love, this does me no good.

Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.

Love is eternal. There are inspired messages, but they are temporary; there are gifts of speaking in strange tounges, but they will cease; there is knowledge, but they will pass. For our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are only partial; but when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.

When I was a child, my speech, feelings, and thinking were all those of a child; now that I am a man, I have no more use for childish ways. What we see now is like a dim image in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. What I know now is only partial; then it will be complete - as complete as God's knowledge of me.

Meanwhile these three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love.

***

the good news is always a refreshing truth to hear. =)

i have been fighting so many battles inside me recently... and i'm trying to find my footing once again in this world. what i hate about these trials is that when one foundation is shaken, the others seem to be affected too. i'm like... dang. can we build up on strength one after another instead of cramming it all into one? haha.

well... as long as you're happy. and so as long as the others are too. =)

so i still pray that God keeps me patient and strong. =)

because all that matters to me is that i be there for you. =)

i just love you so much.

la na...

2005-10-14T06:59:00.000-04:00

la na...

baka mawala ko sya. hindi ako perfecto. kahit ang pagibig ko sa kanya, baka mawala. mahal nya ako. alam ko yun. at kung iiwanan ko sya, ako ang malalagot. hindi ko alam tuloy kung ano ang gagawin ko kasi... ayo ko rin syang saktan.

nagkamali ba ako? hindi ba na sya na talaga ang aking mahal? ewan ko ba. minsan, parang oo, minsan, parang hindi.

ang tanga ko kasi. ninakaw ko ang sarlili kong kalayaan. binigay ko lahat sa kanya. eto tuloy, ngayon na hindi ako makawala, parang gipit na gipit ako. walang hiya naman tung buhay ko...

pagibig... ano ka ba talaga?

dasal ako ng dasal. naririnig naman kaya ako ng aking minamahal na Panginoon? sana naman. ayoko talagang masaktan. at ayoko ko rin syang saktan. she's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

tama nga ang kanyang kapatid. hindi na pareho ang buhay namin mula nung umalis sya. sana naman, hindi sya ganun sa sarili nyang kapatid. okay lang na ako ang iwanan. kaylangan nila ang isa't isa. at ako? sana kaylangan nya rin ako.

hayy. kaylangan nanaman akong magdasal ng todo-todo. bah.

well, for what it's worth... mahal kita May. mahal na mahal kita...