a bag of shit.

heard of the book "a child called it"? this is a little version of my story...

the little boy saw the woman flustered. he wondered what he could do to help out in her situation. the boy approached with caution, hoping that his willingness to help would be appreciated. with eagerness he asked, "what seems to be the problem? do you need help?" it took only half a second for the woman to reply but it was something the little person wasn't prepared for.

"it's nothing!"

the boy waited to see if the woman's expression would change. he was hoping that her eyebrows would seperate, and her cheek muscles would relax to produce a smile instead of a frown. it was weird, because there was an awkward silence between the both of them for quite a while. more awkwardly was the fact that the boy was knowledgeable about what the woman was seeking. but she remained stubbornly silent. she would not let the little person lift a finger to aid her.

so once again he tries, "is there anything i can do?"

"it's nothing!" this time around, her face became red with rage. fear ran down the boy's spine. he almost shivered but stood his ground. he wasn't going to be rattled easily. in fact, he too became raged. yet again the boy was shoved aside. his talents were undermined. the woman was so mad. she started cursing at the boy. many a times, she hit the boy's chest causing him immense pain. he started crying profusely. there was no way to stop the pain. the boy already has a weak heart. the woman kept coming at the boy. even though the boy was screaming in pain, with lots of tears rolling from his eyes, the onslaught did not stop. abruptly, she stops everything and tries to leave him alone. as she walked away, he uttered words that drove the woman into a stubborn and immature game of charades. no matter what he did, in her eyes it was wrong. and no matter what he did, in her eyes he was the culprit for all her misery.

just the day before, the boy escaped from death. as he journeyed, a long haul of stress overwhelmed him. he tried seeking comfort in her voice, but none was found. he took time to stay easy. while his eyes were closed, he was all of a sudden thrown off his seat. a car hit a motorcycle in front of his bus. the vehicle drove past the accident scene. there laid the body of a young man, with his arms above his head and the rest of his body contoreted in such a way that only pain could describe. it was still breathing. it was still alive. the boy was thankful it was still alive. and grateful that so was he.

he couldn't find her after his journey. he reached for her but she acted like as if it didn't matter that he was alive. he was raged because he didn't know why the woman acted in such a way. she was just in a state of unreasonable confusion. little did he know that both of them were in the state of unreasonable confusion. in fact, till this very hour, he does not know what went wrong with the woman that night. the same onsalught preceded as he tried to seek comfort from the woman that night. and the same outcome afterwards - loneliness, darkness and no warmth.

he realized that he was being treated like dirt. but he sucked it all up at the end of the day. must have been love.

still in unreasonable retaliation, the woman kept mad at the boy. although the boy has already dropped his defenses, and just let the blows come at him, he was still hoping that none of his dreams would be destroyed. he takes back all he said. and kept apologizing. he prayed hard that his dreams would bloom into fruition instead of withering into thin air. it was hard to see beyond the pain, but he kept trying. he wanted her to be happy.

he just kept sucking it all in. it must have been love.

love? what is love? selfless acts.

she screamed freedom. and retaliated till the boy was used to the idea of her liberty. you'd think it'd be nice to do whatever one wants. but the boy knows better. he knows about consequences. and one is usually never prepared for the consequences that come after his or her doing. the boy knows that we cant just do what we want. it just makes this world a selfish and cruel place. does love exist in such a world? the boy reminds himself that it is all about selfless acts.

the woman might have forgotten that this boy is human too. he has a heart that feels. and he never meant any harm. he never did. he didnt mean for the situations or her misery to elevate. on the contrary, he wanted to help her find peace and happiness. he wanted to help. to help - a selfless act.

he just kept sucking it all in.

it must have been love.

ten things i realized.

ten things i realized.

10) my toes are cursed. i dont know about you but i've had some pretty bad experiences with these toes of mine. i always seem to be knocking them unto things - yes, that's called being clumsy... but how about my ingrown toenails eh? hehe. that's just pure bad luck you say? oh yeah. talk about genetical defects huh? ouch. >_<

9) the hair is staying. besides the fact that May wants it to stay, i actually kinda got used to the fact that i have long hair. at first, it was just an experiment. but as it turns out, i actually like it now. a lab experiment gone wrong? nah, you guys are just jealous. hehe. :P

8) i'm a sugar addict. yes! we all have weaknesses. gosh. those honey roasted peanuts taste soooooo good! once i pop one in, i cant seem to stop. ay. and i personally feel that hershey's chocolates are my personal "mask of death". its black, just like "Death's coat"... except that its creamy and sweet too. haha. but ay. and dont even get me started with ice cream! :P

7) when i'm hungry, i'm grumpy. i didnt know i would be. i was just going along with the flow of things till my tummy figured out that its empty - apparently too empty... and my mood began to change. i needed to eat. and if i didnt get the satisfaction of something to fill my craving up with gigantic amounts of delicious food, i turn sour. mmm. maybe its true what they say - "a hungry man is an angry man". haha! when that time comes, i cant wait for my love to fulfill her "prophecies". i wonder what would happen. hehe. :P

6) i'm convinced that my girlfriend is the hottest of them all. need i say more? enough said. she's the hottest. hehe. :P i love you darling! -kiss!

5) no more magic 6? "a boost of ego for me, and a lot more screaming from you". short and sweet, ain't it love? yeah right. its anything but short. LOL! besides, how would i know that you liked the number 7 ever since you were young? must have been fate then! wait. you mean you wished for it? LOOOVVVVVEEEE! :P

4) i'm very picky with shoes. OMG. one of the biggest pain in the neck. i cant find myself nice shoes! i find it irritating myself cause i could go into more than 50 shoe shops and pick no shoe out! i went down the whole stretch of stores in Chinatown over here in Canal street, NY, and picked out none for myself. my gosh. where did i ever get those genes?

3) i actually look good in jeans. i remember my love telling me that i'd look good in jeans. i disagreed. but my mind changed its stand recently. neil never wears jeans. anyone who knows me, knows that i dont like jeans. cargos are my type and i've never worn jeans since like 4 years ago? yes. its been THAT long. but wow. i never thought this day would come. so what's next? imagine the possibilities! endless~ haha! anyway, thanks love! =)

2) i actually like window shopping. i bet my love is soooo happy to see this. haha. days on end love, we'd go days on end without money in our pockets and yet still be able to have fun "shopping". haha! =)

1) you're awesome. we just have too much fun. but i want more. so i wont complain! too much? yeah right! LOL! can't get enough of you! haha! can you get enough of me? :P

guilty.

guilty.

we pay for our own actions. that's how this world works. and that's how i know i'm paying for mine. no matter how much i cry about it, what's done is done. be wise my friends: think before you act. you'll regret a lot of things if you don't. as i am regretting now. i ought to know more things by now.

in the midst of all these guilt, i'm hopeful. i've been praying for forgiveness, and healing. not only for me, but for you and the both of us as well. though i know i'm receiving my punishment, in the back of my head i know that time will heal all things. i just have to be there when its happening. for now, i just have to be convinced that i'm getting what i deserve.

you're awesome. and i am unworthy. this is how much disgust i hold for myself. so much guilt that i become insecure, to the point where i can just think of what i did and start crying.

i feel like i'm on a ship that's about to sink. i know, i know. i shouldnt think about it this way. but whenever i see you, and sense your lack of believe in me - us - i get reminded of everything that has gone wrong. sigh. i dont wish to... but my guilt takes over. and i ask questions. which irritates you.

i guess the worst part of it all is that i'm called to give up dreams (hopes and 'wants' as well) that we both have built. this is really heavy, and definitely not easy for me. but i'm willing to do anything to fix the matter. sigh. you're more important.

i should be happy for not everything is lost. i know, i'm putting on a lot of unecessary burden on myself. sigh. but what am i to do?

i may be dumb... but i'm no fool. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for everything...