Bathroom needs work. Tile work today, because the wall has encountered water damage. Well... it might be a good idea to check into a hotel for the next couple days.
I'm thinking Inn On Broadway... it will bring back some awesome memories for Caroline and I. Maybe.
NYC next month! Watching my friend Danny Baer rock it out on piano at Juilliard. Woohoo!
And yes, I'm finally reading Fabric Of The Cosmos by Brian Greene. I'm still fascinated with String Theory!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, December 05, 2011
Someone Like You
I had a nightmare the other night.
A few years ago, I would have not thought of such a dream as a bad one. But now, even thinking about it sends chills down my spine. Not the good kind of chills, but the frightening type. And try topping that off with a kind of anxiety where you feel like someone evil is trying to hurt you.
You see, I once knew a girl who I thought was going to be my wife. She turned out to be someone else. As a matter of a fact, she was never the person I thought she was. And yes, I take full responsibility for the made up fairytale that was once in my head. More devastating was the fact that I continuously played out this fantasy because of the encouragement that distance brought between us. The relationship was wrong in many various levels. It is what it is... and it was what it was.
Ultimately, she triggered a lot of negativity within me. I fell trap to my own demise, and she didn't help in letting me understand what I truly needed to ensure victory in my personal turmoils. To be fair, I didn't understand her either.
And to be precise, she only brought either pain or pleasure.
I missed the part where I was suppose to learn what love truly was, because in the end... she left me for another. And her reasons? Well, who knows. It never made sense to begin with.
So about that nightmare. Basically, I dreamed that I was put into a position where I needed to take this girl back into my life. Not just take her back as a friend, but as a lover. I freaked. I didn't want her back, but under the dream's circumstances, I was being forced to take her back. All the negativity and unhappiness started pouring into my mind. I fought hard to control my feelings because I knew that it would spell a disaster for my well-being if this girl was back in my life as a lover.
Luckily, I woke up. And right beside me was my beautiful wife. My best friend. The person who helped me understand that true love exists. The person who brings me joy. As she slept peacefully, I slowly laid my shoulder on her hand. And even though she was asleep, she started caressing me. It was like as if she knew I needed to be comforted in the wake of a terrible dream. :)
I've said this before, and I'll say it again... I'm glad that that part of my life is over with. And I'm glad that I was given the opportunity to walk away just in time, before my own manhood was to be thrown out from the face of the Earth. I thank God for bringing me through those experiences, because it is now a reminder of what unhappiness is, and that I can constantly remind myself of how wonderful my relationship is now.
As for that other girl, the embedded video below is her "swan song".
A few years ago, I would have not thought of such a dream as a bad one. But now, even thinking about it sends chills down my spine. Not the good kind of chills, but the frightening type. And try topping that off with a kind of anxiety where you feel like someone evil is trying to hurt you.
You see, I once knew a girl who I thought was going to be my wife. She turned out to be someone else. As a matter of a fact, she was never the person I thought she was. And yes, I take full responsibility for the made up fairytale that was once in my head. More devastating was the fact that I continuously played out this fantasy because of the encouragement that distance brought between us. The relationship was wrong in many various levels. It is what it is... and it was what it was.
Ultimately, she triggered a lot of negativity within me. I fell trap to my own demise, and she didn't help in letting me understand what I truly needed to ensure victory in my personal turmoils. To be fair, I didn't understand her either.
And to be precise, she only brought either pain or pleasure.
I missed the part where I was suppose to learn what love truly was, because in the end... she left me for another. And her reasons? Well, who knows. It never made sense to begin with.
So about that nightmare. Basically, I dreamed that I was put into a position where I needed to take this girl back into my life. Not just take her back as a friend, but as a lover. I freaked. I didn't want her back, but under the dream's circumstances, I was being forced to take her back. All the negativity and unhappiness started pouring into my mind. I fought hard to control my feelings because I knew that it would spell a disaster for my well-being if this girl was back in my life as a lover.
Luckily, I woke up. And right beside me was my beautiful wife. My best friend. The person who helped me understand that true love exists. The person who brings me joy. As she slept peacefully, I slowly laid my shoulder on her hand. And even though she was asleep, she started caressing me. It was like as if she knew I needed to be comforted in the wake of a terrible dream. :)
I've said this before, and I'll say it again... I'm glad that that part of my life is over with. And I'm glad that I was given the opportunity to walk away just in time, before my own manhood was to be thrown out from the face of the Earth. I thank God for bringing me through those experiences, because it is now a reminder of what unhappiness is, and that I can constantly remind myself of how wonderful my relationship is now.
As for that other girl, the embedded video below is her "swan song".
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Aftermath
The wedding was awesome. The honeymoon was awesome. Everything was awesome. Thank you to all the people who made our wedding day as beautiful as possible. You guys are all awesome.
Quebec (Canada) was awesome too. And Caroline and I are sure to go back there to explore more. I'm also looking forward to traveling to Europe. Since I am now an American Citizen, I am not required to have a visa to enter most European countries. How exciting. :)
Yet another new chapter in my life begins. :)
*****
Things have changed so much since "Yesterday". Seems like a lot of experiences I had when I was younger makes sense only in the light of today. And even with that said, I'm still making sense of a lot of things. At the end of the day, the leap that I had to make from a nervous little boy into a more sensible man was something that I would have never thought of if my experiences were made on a different path. Basically, to discover my own potential, and develop a sense of control over my state of mind is a "present" that I'd like to open, re-open, get excited about, and use, re-use, all the time.
It's like Christmas. But you get a gift that you can use over and over again, not only to help yourself, but others as well.
A few years ago, there were days where I would wake up in shear anxiety. It was not pleasant. I wanted my mornings to start off positively. But somehow, I would let myself drown in made up negativity. This stifled me. I did not possess a useful tool or skill to help me cope.
There was, however, prayer. That made a lot of things easier to bear. But chances were, I would end up drowning still.
All started to change when I met Paul. He was my psychotherapist. Yes, that's right, I had a problem and I wanted help - so I set forth to get some help. Like Frederick Douglass said, "I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs." It was the quote that inspired me to get off my knees and actually do something about my problems. Praying about it is only the beginning. Actual help starts when you use what God made available to you, which are RESOURCES. He opens the doors, but you need to decide to enter through those doors. So, get off your knees and walk to that door.
Only after several sessions did I discover my potential as a human being. I realized my worth as an individual. I also developed tools and skills to help me cope with anxiety.
God answered my prayers, but I suppose that He wanted to find out how much I really wanted His help. It's a good thing that I showed him by being proactive. If there was one thing I could change, it would have been the time it took for me to realize that I could have been proactive sooner. In the end though, I say it's still better to be late than never.
So do I still get my panic attacks? Yes. But with the new tools and skills I have acquired, they come rarely. And I mean once-in-a-blue-moon-rarely. I can't even remember the last time I had one.
This sense of awareness of one's self is amazing. It enabled me to wake up every morning free of anxiety. I am stifled no more!
I was once asked to wait in the sidelines, to ponder about staying faithful to someone who was going to hurt you by being with someone else... I realize now that that was utter crap. No one deserves that kind of beating. I'm glad I walked away just in time.
Renewing my journey led me to a new beginning. A better story. A better tomorrow. But above all, a better today.
Here's to life... Cheers!
Quebec (Canada) was awesome too. And Caroline and I are sure to go back there to explore more. I'm also looking forward to traveling to Europe. Since I am now an American Citizen, I am not required to have a visa to enter most European countries. How exciting. :)
Yet another new chapter in my life begins. :)
*****
Things have changed so much since "Yesterday". Seems like a lot of experiences I had when I was younger makes sense only in the light of today. And even with that said, I'm still making sense of a lot of things. At the end of the day, the leap that I had to make from a nervous little boy into a more sensible man was something that I would have never thought of if my experiences were made on a different path. Basically, to discover my own potential, and develop a sense of control over my state of mind is a "present" that I'd like to open, re-open, get excited about, and use, re-use, all the time.
It's like Christmas. But you get a gift that you can use over and over again, not only to help yourself, but others as well.
A few years ago, there were days where I would wake up in shear anxiety. It was not pleasant. I wanted my mornings to start off positively. But somehow, I would let myself drown in made up negativity. This stifled me. I did not possess a useful tool or skill to help me cope.
There was, however, prayer. That made a lot of things easier to bear. But chances were, I would end up drowning still.
All started to change when I met Paul. He was my psychotherapist. Yes, that's right, I had a problem and I wanted help - so I set forth to get some help. Like Frederick Douglass said, "I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs." It was the quote that inspired me to get off my knees and actually do something about my problems. Praying about it is only the beginning. Actual help starts when you use what God made available to you, which are RESOURCES. He opens the doors, but you need to decide to enter through those doors. So, get off your knees and walk to that door.
Only after several sessions did I discover my potential as a human being. I realized my worth as an individual. I also developed tools and skills to help me cope with anxiety.
God answered my prayers, but I suppose that He wanted to find out how much I really wanted His help. It's a good thing that I showed him by being proactive. If there was one thing I could change, it would have been the time it took for me to realize that I could have been proactive sooner. In the end though, I say it's still better to be late than never.
So do I still get my panic attacks? Yes. But with the new tools and skills I have acquired, they come rarely. And I mean once-in-a-blue-moon-rarely. I can't even remember the last time I had one.
This sense of awareness of one's self is amazing. It enabled me to wake up every morning free of anxiety. I am stifled no more!
I was once asked to wait in the sidelines, to ponder about staying faithful to someone who was going to hurt you by being with someone else... I realize now that that was utter crap. No one deserves that kind of beating. I'm glad I walked away just in time.
Renewing my journey led me to a new beginning. A better story. A better tomorrow. But above all, a better today.
Here's to life... Cheers!
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