no one.

its staggering.

we play with emotions and we're unaware of it almost all of the time. and when we become conscious of these emotions, we find that we have already dug a hole so deep that it takes more effort to get out of it than fall into it.

i was getting lost in the stacks at the Rush Rhees library at the University of Rochester last night. oh boy. that place is freaking huge. so enormous that they actually need a whole building for new stacks of books, and a whole building for the old stacks of books. 5 floors each (or more, i could be wrong). being a "classical romantic", i was hanging out at the old stacks of course, on the 5th floor where one can find books about religions. shelves and shelves of scholarly articles about Christianity, and a bunch of other beliefs. i got so excited that i almost peed in my pants. if only i had an infinite amount of time, i would be spending a great deal of my life reading books in that place. calm and peaceful, sometimes eerie, i was sitting down on an old chair facing the window. the skies that night were clear, not much clouds, nor stars. it was just clear. i looked to my left and stumbled upon a shelf that had a book misplaced as it laid ontop of the other books lifelessly. the book's cover was of red leather (probably due to age), and a familiar symbol of a cross in the middle. i picked it up, opened it, and to my gentle and pleasant surprise, it was a book of prayers. prayers that has been passed down generations after generations to most Christians. the first time i flipped through the pages, my sight landed upon the very first prayer i learned as a tod. it was a prayer to God asking for His angels to guide and gaurd me. it made my night.

it scares me when someone tells me or asks me that he or she is going to partake in a certain activity, and that this certain activity is outside the norm of thinking from society's. so much of the "modern" mass thinks that "if i believe it is right, then it is right." what crap. this is how narrow minded we can get sometimes. i, too, fall into the trap. but at least i make an effort to be self-aware. the problem is when people aren't trying to be self-aware. why should we be aware?

1 + 1 = 2

i know this is right. through a bunch of theorms and proofs, we know that this is right.

1 + 1 = 3

i know this is wrong. BUT, if i believed it were right and not wrong, would you correct me? of course. obviously. so why believe in something that you "feel is right"? it doesn't make sense all the time to do so...

there is simple logic in most truths. we can easily deny claims if it is obviously wrong. but how about morality? or the ever changing modern way of thinking? or the way emotions come and go? or the way truths of life are revealed one moment, and disappear the next? am i to judge people because i feel that they are ignorant?

what bothers me is the lack of awareness people have. for example, why pick on someone's feelings? look, ask the right questions if you want to get the right answers. why would you ask a question that you already know the answers to? because you want assertion? why then become upset if you hear what you don't want? because that too is a form/kind of assertion.

i love how people turn the tables on you... even though you were the person being asked. then they pick on you because you answered their question "wrongly" (more like they don't get what they want to hear). and then you tell them that you are being hurt by their enjoyment of limited superiority through verbal attacks because you were honest with them. then they say they weren't picking on you in the first place. they weren't picking on you when they asked you a question with an expected reply (but never got it) then becoming upset and mocking your intellect because you gave them your honest opinion? what contradiction and inconsistency! i would even claim it to be a blasphemy. how is that not picking on you?

and everything else you say will be used against you, mind you. you have to keep in mind that you can never "win". you will be digging an even deeper hole if you try and defend yourself. even if they apologize that they didn't mean it to sound like they were picking on you... the fact stays that it was some form of attack. how else is it to be viewed? the question that was asked already had a pending answer or expected fall of events.

its a trap then.

and then, once you have "rebelled" enough, you are told that you are taking this all the wrong way. how nice. after reasoning out what just had happened, your efforts of trying to communicate the truths in a situation is all in vain. every single truth that came out of your mouth is ignored. why? because some modern minds would just think this... "if i think it is right, then it is right."

what contradiction. modern mind?

i'm not alive to please you and give you answers that you want to hear. instead i show another aspect of life that will not always be pleasant. i apologize that i do not aggravate the proper senses, and i do not seem to support you... but all in all, i pray you understand that a lot of my will, thinking, and passions are not determined by silly scenarios that are blurted out for the sake of hearing what you want.

it's unfair.

but like the "modern mind" some people are, they just turn the tables on you all the time. make you seem like you're the bad guy. make you feel that your opinions are insignificant, they end up doing what they want, they complain if you do not care enough for them, but they complain if you care too much.

like i said, "its a trap".