babble.

sometimes, i don't know why i'm so forgiving. is it because of love? is it because i am afraid to be lonely?

i ask myself if Karol ever regretted forgiving someone. is it even possible that forgiving someone can be a mistake? its so hard to imagine that the papa regretted forgiving someone. all throughout his life, he was always a living testimony of the Christian faith. he was always ready to forgive, and accept the humanity of another being.

Karol's life is... inspiration.

although it hurts so much, it is through this pain that i know i love her. as much as i feel like i should be the one in those (painful) photographs, i cannot undo the past. it will now be a sadistic reminder of all the things that were. i wish to erase them, but can't. instead, i pray that God gives me the strength to get used to all these memories. and above all, the courage to look at those photographs and be filled with the spirit of forgiveness.

... why? why did you?

i can't help but blame myself. sigh. i feel so terrible...

and after all these... i still can't reach out. i still can't touch you. why was i so foolish to believe that you'll be here soon? why was i so foolish to convince myself that seeing you means seeing Love? why am i so foolish?

there really is no one else to blame but me. sigh...

the real task here is not whether i can forgive you. the real task, my dearest friend, is if i can forgive myself.

may i be washed down by the blood of Jesus. amen.