Day 2

Dead tired. Played a league game today, and my muscles are still sore from paintball, and soccer practice yesterday. It is just too bad that we lost this game. I let the team down because I had an open shot and missed it. I also got tackled from behind. It hurts, I dropped to the ground like a huge rock. Pisses me off because some people NEVER play fair. I hate playing with people who have no morals. I got past him and was about 5 feet away from the goal. He rebounded quick and ran after me to slide from behind, without caring for my well-being. I was ready to exchange some words, and if need be - some fists. I kept myself in-check, and reminded myself that it is in forgiving that we are forgiven.

But the jerk told me, after I got up, "sorry dude, I thought you were shooting." What has that got to do with anything? Jerk. Of course I was going to shoot. I wanted to score, and you stopped me through illegal means!

Oh well. It's over with. Just can't wait till next weekend when we go down to my hometown, New York City, to play against Juilliard. I hope it's going to be fun!

And don't even get me started with juries. Yuck~

*****

I don't understand myself. I feel like I'm the burden of your life. I feel like I can even back this claim up with so many things that I have done (not to mention, the things I have NOT done). It is just troubling, and I don't understand why I should be waiting for something to happen to relief me from these punishing thoughts. Perhaps, I could write down all these thoughts, and sort them out... yeah... I should.

Praying the rosary everyday has been helping a lot. I've been a lot calmer than I was a couple of days ago. Stress is always a factor, but I know I can use it to my advantage. Thank you Mother Mary, for looking after my loved ones and I. That takes a whole load off my shoulders, knowing that they are being looked after.

I also need to stop making excuses in my head, and just keep taking action toward a better mentality. I can't always rely on an external force. Change needs to happen from within, no matter how much help I get from the outside. Soon, I'll be able to make sense out of these troubling thoughts.