Trippy.

I'm not totally free (yet). I'm still caught up with you, even though I already know that you're totally over me. You are. Actions speaks louder than words. 

You're so over me that you've sold your body to him... already.

That's fine. I guess nothing we ever shared counted anyway.

*****

Rants

I'm losing a friend to fate. I may not be totally free from you, but I'm not stupid. I know healing is a long process, especially with the way you've dumped me. DUMPED. Literally. But you know what? I suppose it was worth it. For you at least.

Such a great friend for "being there" for me. And what's that? Did I hear you say that I will always be your baby? BULL SHIT.

Like I said, actions speak louder than words.

You say that you are plentiful of fear too? BULL SHIT.

The way you act doesn't seem like it. What fear? You've sold yourself to him already.

But you know what? That's fine.

I'm working on making it through... and I will. And I'll be victorious. Always was, always am, and always will be.

KARMA - watch out, it's coming.

And you wonder why I'm so fucked up inside? Look at how you're treating me!

Whatever. You don't care for me as much as I care for you anymore. I wonder why I still wake up and hope that you'll call me back and want me back. I don't know why I still love you. I don't know why I hope for things that will never come, ever again.

I hope you the best of luck with him. I suppose everything truly is a lie. And fancy how in the end, it was you who made it all a lie.

All right... enough of the rants. I don't like making you feel bad... even though I truly feel like you deserve it.

But you don't. You don't deserve all that crap I gave to you... and now, you are so much happier, and you are enjoying the fruits of being with someone who is right there for the taking. I envy the fact that you're on your way to the road of companionship.

Sigh. Regrets... that's all I'm filled with. In the end, nothing was ever worth it. The rings, the dreams, the promises, everything seems so... discarded and thrown away.

Oh well. Sigh...

*****

Caroline Rose Palser

Thanks for trying to cheer me up. The Strong Museum of Play was amazing. I love kids, and I guess you knew that. So I'm grateful for your efforts to pull me up from this slumber. The Butterfly park was really nice too. I thought flying bugs freaked you out? Liar. Haha.

But this was trippy...

Me - trying to smile for the camera.

Caroline - getting into the flow of things.

I had a wonderful time, thank you!

Living Day By Day

That was quick. That was really quick. Sigh. I can't believe that there is still so much anger in me. Has it been suppressed in me all these times? Why can't I just let go?

You built me up... made me confident about myself, helped me grow... and then you took so much away... that hurts. Haha, I just realized that that was an understatement.

I've said this before, but I would never get tired of saying it... it is just so unfair.

Get over it, Neil. You are once again the path... not the man. You're supposed to be used to it by now.

I miss that feeling of being able to say, "I love you" and mean it... and feel loved in return. I miss the feeling of being cheeky, but all with good intention. I miss the feeling of being able to treasure someone and make her feel special. I miss making  her laugh, smile, and feel good about herself. I miss doing all that, but truthfully meaning it. I miss the feeling of being able to tease, and being teased. I miss the feeling of getting up in the morning and thinking of joy to be with a wonderful person, and ending the day with that one person in mind. I miss the feeling of crying because my heart is filled with joy. I miss the overwhelming sensation of feeling loved, and the kind of warmth that only one person in this world can give you...

These days are gone. They have passed. And I'm struggling to let these feelings go. No more for me... none at all.

And now, you have someone else to share all these wonderful feelings with. Oh crap. That's really quick. It may have not happened yet... but I'm sure it will. Soon enough, I'll slowly be nudged out of your heart, and someone else will take my place. Nah, its okay. It's the way it goes...

But I would give anything and everything just to get those feelings again... but I don't think I'll achieve them any time soon. It could be a very, very, very long time before I could open up again. And when I do open up, I'll feel so vulnerable, that I may just end up reverting to what I feel now. Bah, oh well.

Has anyone cared enough to try and realize how it feels to be just a path, and not the actual person? Then again... no one understands what I'm saying when I mean "path" and "person". Oh well.

I've been broken before... but I've never been broken this much. And I don't understand why the process of putting the pieces of me together is taking so long.

Maybe... just maybe... I really loved you. And perhaps... I still do.

Sigh. God, please help me let go so I don't have to hurt so much. I don't like this state that I'm in. Please my God, I beg of you... grant me the strength and courage to face up to my own foolishness. And help me forgive myself for all the wrongs I have made...

I want to fall in love again...