Living Day By Day

That was quick. That was really quick. Sigh. I can't believe that there is still so much anger in me. Has it been suppressed in me all these times? Why can't I just let go?

You built me up... made me confident about myself, helped me grow... and then you took so much away... that hurts. Haha, I just realized that that was an understatement.

I've said this before, but I would never get tired of saying it... it is just so unfair.

Get over it, Neil. You are once again the path... not the man. You're supposed to be used to it by now.

I miss that feeling of being able to say, "I love you" and mean it... and feel loved in return. I miss the feeling of being cheeky, but all with good intention. I miss the feeling of being able to treasure someone and make her feel special. I miss making  her laugh, smile, and feel good about herself. I miss doing all that, but truthfully meaning it. I miss the feeling of being able to tease, and being teased. I miss the feeling of getting up in the morning and thinking of joy to be with a wonderful person, and ending the day with that one person in mind. I miss the feeling of crying because my heart is filled with joy. I miss the overwhelming sensation of feeling loved, and the kind of warmth that only one person in this world can give you...

These days are gone. They have passed. And I'm struggling to let these feelings go. No more for me... none at all.

And now, you have someone else to share all these wonderful feelings with. Oh crap. That's really quick. It may have not happened yet... but I'm sure it will. Soon enough, I'll slowly be nudged out of your heart, and someone else will take my place. Nah, its okay. It's the way it goes...

But I would give anything and everything just to get those feelings again... but I don't think I'll achieve them any time soon. It could be a very, very, very long time before I could open up again. And when I do open up, I'll feel so vulnerable, that I may just end up reverting to what I feel now. Bah, oh well.

Has anyone cared enough to try and realize how it feels to be just a path, and not the actual person? Then again... no one understands what I'm saying when I mean "path" and "person". Oh well.

I've been broken before... but I've never been broken this much. And I don't understand why the process of putting the pieces of me together is taking so long.

Maybe... just maybe... I really loved you. And perhaps... I still do.

Sigh. God, please help me let go so I don't have to hurt so much. I don't like this state that I'm in. Please my God, I beg of you... grant me the strength and courage to face up to my own foolishness. And help me forgive myself for all the wrongs I have made...

I want to fall in love again...