babble.

sometimes, i don't know why i'm so forgiving. is it because of love? is it because i am afraid to be lonely?

i ask myself if Karol ever regretted forgiving someone. is it even possible that forgiving someone can be a mistake? its so hard to imagine that the papa regretted forgiving someone. all throughout his life, he was always a living testimony of the Christian faith. he was always ready to forgive, and accept the humanity of another being.

Karol's life is... inspiration.

although it hurts so much, it is through this pain that i know i love her. as much as i feel like i should be the one in those (painful) photographs, i cannot undo the past. it will now be a sadistic reminder of all the things that were. i wish to erase them, but can't. instead, i pray that God gives me the strength to get used to all these memories. and above all, the courage to look at those photographs and be filled with the spirit of forgiveness.

... why? why did you?

i can't help but blame myself. sigh. i feel so terrible...

and after all these... i still can't reach out. i still can't touch you. why was i so foolish to believe that you'll be here soon? why was i so foolish to convince myself that seeing you means seeing Love? why am i so foolish?

there really is no one else to blame but me. sigh...

the real task here is not whether i can forgive you. the real task, my dearest friend, is if i can forgive myself.

may i be washed down by the blood of Jesus. amen.

i dont know...

i'm still confused by a lot of things. and i still think that i may not be ready for the challenges ahead of me. i'm scared to open up to anyone nowadays, and i'm afraid to show my friends who i really am.

so much have been going in my life. i dont know why things are the way they are... but i know for sure that God has His reasons.

i feel like i'm still cheated. in many ways that i cannot express. sigh.

i just don't know who to talk to sometimes. oh well...

"no one wants me"

being the fool that i am, i gave all my heart to her too early again! so now, i'm once again trapped in my own humiliation. i am once again crushed, defeated, hurt, abandoned, played around with, and thrown away.

what's amazing about all these things is that my God pulled through for me again. if it wasn't for Him, i would have never found out what was really happening. thank you my Lord! to God be the glory!

why is it so painful this time around? simple. because at least in the past, in my previous relationships, my partner had enough courage to let me know about the third party. they confronted me and told me the truth straight away. it was obvious that they didn't want to be with me. no games were played. "by chance", was never a reason they gave. and at least i didn't have to live a lie. sigh.

i feel like that child again. back to that time when my real father left my mom. sigh.

my opportunity to be emo.

no. wait. my opportunity to be strong. oops.

oh well.