thoughts

thoughts.

it was 2000, in June, that the band came up with one of it's most memorable events - "torture night". haha. there was tension going on. everyone broke a sweat that night... some were even forced to reconsider if they should stay in the band or not. obviously, the band isn't for wussies. and a lot of us faced that harsh reality that night. i was just a young brat in those days. i couldn't even feel my body that night. i was just numb. and i'm sure most of the guys were too. how would you like it to run around the dirty, wet, rugby field in the middle of the night? oh yeah... they made us do sit-ups and push-ups and star jumps while running in what seemed as endless circles. sure, it was something none of us has experienced before but hey... it took a lot of guts from 12 year old boys to withstand such enormous pressure on our bodies. but we did.

come to think of it... that really perpared most of us for what's coming up ahead. my batch knew how to be serious at times when needed, and how to have fun when all things are in place. i have never seen my batch stop working to better themselves. they have brought the band to a whole new level. they were as serious, yet fun, in all ways. and what's so nice about the band was that we didn't really care about numbers. well, alrite, so yeah, we kinda did. but numbers were no where near our definition of "band spirit".

i was all about unity. i did a lot of "crap" in the eyes of the band memebers. not many would understand what was going through the head of their so called leader. haha. but i'm sure, that when my peers, and students, look back at the times that my face turned absolutely red because of shouting in anger, yet balanced with creativity and insight, most would find the wisdom that was behind it all.

i remember telling one of my ex-girlfriends, that she would never take "first place" in my heart... cause it was already taken by a family of musicians. the band has filled the gaps in my heart, and it was my second home. correction: it IS my second home. and always will be.

and to think... we've all grown up. most of us facing new challenges, some getting back their A's, and others going to the army and others just being themselves. well, whatever it is, they all came from one family... and they branched out their own products on the way. but to just remind you people, those of you who got back your scores for the A's... be happy! for those who are contented, you've got the world in your hands! and for those who aren't, well... those marks don't make who you are anyway. i'd say that to myself too you know... i'd look at my paper and go "well, getting a 72% in my math doesn't make Neil." and it definitely doesnt make you either. what you are is more than just what those marks present. realize that. you're still in control. remind yourself of that.

i miss you guys. greatly.

***

its been 15 months. whoa. it truly feels like it just flew by, then all of a sudden you wake up and WAHLAH, it's already 15 months since you first started out with the one you love. so yeah, before, i had this thing whereby i'd tell my girlfriend that she's not my priority... but i realized that it can't always be that way. haha. in fact, i realized that there should be a set of priorities for everyone, and we need to choose them really wisely. so i sat down and told myself that my love is actually one of my priorities. haha. lots would disagree and say that i'm still young. heck. i love her. and i'd rather learn from all these experiences now than later.

so happy though! hehe. 15 months! that's a first. hehe.

i realized that i'm not only in a relationship... i'm actually engaged. hehe. so cool. like i told my love, i could strike a pose and say "i'm engaged". haha. if only i had that dashing smile to wrap it up with. hehe. =D

***

Manhattan School of Music audition on Friday, March 3rd. ooo. i'm excited. i hope i do well. pray for me you guys? alrite??? -puppy eyes-

March is like crazy... March 10th, i'm performing in my high school. then on March 31st, i'll be playing in the Philippine Consulate, in Kalayaan Hall. ooo, then i'll have my Carnegie Hall auditions again next month! hopefully, i make it for the second time. =D

so yeah... busy busy busy. just took off to post something. got bored too. hehe.

listen to the music...?

listen to the music...?

Sana maintindihan nyo to... pero ang aking puso ay umiiyak. wala akong nagawa buong lingo kung hindi umiyak ay ng umiyak. sumakit ang puso ko nang todo. hindi ko alam kung yung ginawa ko ay tama. sana naman tama. at kung hindi, eto nanaman ang luha.

grabe, walang tigil. parang hindi nya rin naiintindihan kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman ko. parang napaka-selfish din nya minsan. pero ito, its a sacrifice. okz nah yun, basta matuwa sya. minsan nga lang, parang baliwala rin yung ginagawa ko... lagi pa rin sya nagagalit saakin, tapos yun, hindi naman kami nagkakaintindihan kasi wala rin syang sinasabi masyado. oh well.

minsan, pakiramdam ko, na hindi nya ako pinapansin. lagi na lang ako naghihintay. pero ganun talaga, at ang layo nya. yet another fact i have to accept. pero cge, okay lang yan. isipin na lang na gaganda ang lahat...

kaya ko kaya pa nang isang pang ganun klasing araw? ang hirap. grabe. pero eto, buhay pa rin. salamat sa Diyos at buhay pa rin.

di ko lang maintindihan yung sarili ko... alam ko na mahal nya ko, pero gustong gusto ko na pinapansin nya ako. oh mans. parang isang bata talaga ako... tanga cguro talaga ako. hindi ko ba nakikita na mahal nya talaga ako?

***

my love's package arrived today! i'll take some photos and let you guys see. =D

thank you so much for the time and effort you've put in love. you're amazing.

thank you.

thank you.

thank you.

i love you!

and so we meet.

and so we meet.

the auditions are all here. and they're all here at full swing. my heart is heavy... everywhere i turn, there is something on my path to tackle. i've never been tested in this manner before.

financially, my family's crapping. 250 bucks just to have a lesson with Mr. Aranov. Sheesh. i'm not even sure if i can get into manhattan school of music. and so instead of finding support, i get bawled at. well... that's what you get Neil for being such a late bloomer. and if the other schools accept you? what happens to the 250 bucks? gosh... i'll just pay for it then.

and what about Mr. Berstein? i hope he's not gona tell me that he'll be charging 250 bucks too. gosh. that's such a huge whole in my pocket. i'll be paying for both anyway. oh well. i duno where i'm going with all these...

i know i have to hang on. but i don't even know if i'll be able to get what i want. God's never gona do that, He'll only give me what i need.

i've been so stressed out that i broke down and cried to myself for half an hour. My love was trying to comfort me... but she only got frustrated cause i wouldn't tell her what's wrong. i duno. i feel like i've been to harsh on her too. reality is, if both of us are always this stubborn, we're gona find it difficult to cope with a lot of things. i'm not gona lie, i've been trying. in fact, i've been trying really hard. but when you feel so low about yourself, its not hard to feel stressed up, anxious or depressed. but i just strive on.

i don't really know who to turn to. as of now, the one i love isn't very happy with me. oh well. i feel stressed but what can i do? choose to be stagnant? feel even more stressed? do something about it? but what? oh well.

well, if only i knew what Jesus would do...