a chance.

a chance.

- what was it I said that made you angry?
- anger? uneasiness? irritation? weariness? and then pain comes... and it let's you live again?
- living double standards? and it's complications?
- running through your head? what?
- what is it you want of me now then?
- why do i feel like you're running away?
- why do i feel a sense of fear from you?

i'm so lost. i don't understand anything anymore.

***

you say you are selfish. but i think i can handle that. you already know i'm a fool for you. you already know that given an opportunity, i would call you. given an opportuniy, i would die for you.

so where do i stand? am i to stay, or to go? i don't understand what you want of me now. but nevertheless, i still say what i've said more than once before, that at the end of the day, i'd still be here loving you regardless.

i love you to the extent i'd go away. all you have to do is tell me.

it's not painful anymore. the pain has subsided. now, i'm numb. i don't know what to feel except to feel lost.

GOD KNOWS I LOVE YOU.

***

i fail You. and i fail you. and i fail me.

i've been resisting the cold. i've been intuned with spiritu mundi. i feel it's presence everywhere i go. and so i think of myself as an alchemist. i am a "man of the desert". and yet i fight the cold. i can talk to the wind, the sun, the sky, and even the animals. i share with them my spirit, and they do the same with me. the voices i have been hearing all throughout my life have emerged to something more haunting. i can't explain it. but i'm not afraid. it is not evil. that i'm sure. in fact, the feeling is divine.

maktub - it is written.

i suppose it has been all the praying i have been doing. for hours i have been praying. i amazed myself for i never thought i could do such a feat on my own. oh well.

have faith.