the mask.
hindi na man nya alam kung malakas ako. wala lang... lagi kasi akong nakikinig, basta, dun at dun lang lagi ako para sa kanya. hindi ko na man matitigil ang liwanag sa kanyang katawan. pero... pwede akong gumawa ng lilim na pwede tumakip sa kanya. eh di, wala nang araw. oh diba... ang galing ko talaga.
lagi nyang sinasabi sa akin kung ano ang nagyayari sa kanya. walang nakakaalam na takut ako sa laman loob ko. kasi ang dami rin nya ng mga kaybigan na gusto sya. eh kung kunin nila sa kin ang minamahal ko? ayo ko nga.
pero mabait pa rin sya sa akin. kasi laging nanduon pa rin sya para sa akin. ang dami dami nyang pwedeng gawin pero binibigyan nya pa rin ako ng oras sa telepono.
ewan ko ba. mahal nya ba talaga ako? kasi ang dami nya rin ginagawa sa ibang lalake na medyo uncomfortable ako. pero siguro... okay lang. hindi na man niya sinasabihan na mahal nya sila. pero hindi nga ba? ma tanong nga.
hay. sumasakit lang ang puso ko sa pagiisip nang mga eto. gusto lang tumakbo o lumipad. minsan, ayo ko na nagiisip.
kaya nga lang... mahal ko sya... ang tanga ko talaga.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Monday, September 12, 2005
Home
Home.
i walked up to May's window and took some twigs in my hand. i could tell, from the time of the afternoon, that she just woke up from her nap. so i started grabbing her attention through throwing those little twigs at her window. and as they pattered on her window, i noticed a curious shadow moving about. i gazed at the shadow harder. my eyes twitched as it began to focus and realize that my eyes were capturing the love of my life. i was careful. the shadow could have been her mother. but there she was, as beautiful as ever. so i called out her name, "May, May! let's go." she gave me a smile, which signaled two things; an assurance that she'll be joining me soon, and the sense of joy - running through her veins - as she was about to meet the love of her life.
she didn't take long to come down. she knew how beautiful she was to me, so vanity wasn't an issue. she came down as she was. and i too, without having to dress up nicely, came to her as i was. and as she ran into my arms, a brief sense of relief came over me. my heart began to beat slower - a sign that it was comfortable. it was a sign that i was holding my other half. a sign that it was where we belonged.
so i said that i was taking her away today. that we would get away from reality for a while. she smiled reassuringly. as much as i wanted to take her away, she gave a look that told me that she wanted to be taken far away too. so in order to fulfill such a yearning, i gave her a tighter hug. giving her a sense of tingling by cuddling her in my arms. i cautiously looked up her window once more, just to check if the higher authorities were far from sight. fortunately, they were.
i took her to the bus stop where we waited for a while. all this time, i had my arms around her. she clenched her fists while grabbing some of my t-shirt across my chest. she was very near me. May rested her head on my chest, while i was putting my arms around her. she whispered, "my love, i feel so protected." i smiled. i only thought of making her feel even warmer. i used my chin to move her head up so that we could look at one another. so i gazed into her eyes, and without saying anything, i told her i love her.
the bus came. as we boarded, her curiousity was aroused. we have never taken that bus before. and she knew that neither of us knew where it was going. but we boarded anyway. she looked at me, and gave me an anxious look. "it's okay. we're not going to be lost." so i reached out for her hand, brushed my fingers in between hers - and held it tightly. i gave her a smile which seemed to comfort her... because she held my hand tighter too.
in the bus, i refused to look at her. i know inside my heart that my love was going to a place farther than before. and i was saddened by this fact. not devastated, but weary. i have departed from so many people before, and have gone to far places myself. but i have never gotten used to saying farewells. it has always been hard for me. my emotions get all caught up inside, and build up to a point where i would not be able to control it. i didn't want to cry in front of May. i wanted her to know that i was strong. i wanted to show her that i'm still confident of our relationship. so i thought i should not meet with her eyes too many times, because my emotions might just show. although i could tell, from the way she was holding my hands, and the way she rested upon my shoulder... that she knew something was bothering me.
the bus made its last stop. the driver looked at us. we looked around. no one else was there except the both of us. we were so caught up in our own world that we didn't notice the people alighting before us. the experience was eerie in it's own special way.
"get down you two love birds. i tell you what, i know that if you walk a little to the north, you'd meet up with the shores of the beach. it's around sunset. it'll be nice." the driver said.
"why thank you kind sir. i didn't know it'll bring us here." i said in reply.
"just get down." the driver turned off his engine and alighted himself. but as he stepped down, i saw his mouth utter while shaking his head, "kids nowadays." his eyebrows met to portray sarcasm.
i stood up while still having May's hand in mine. she too stood up and alighted the bus with me. it was a given that we would be walking north. we wanted to catch the sun set. we knew how wonderful it would be. and since we were together, we knew how the occasion would be more dramatic.
when we got to the beach, we sat down on some huge rocks lying around. the horizon was beautiful. i still refused to look too much into her eyes. i still had the fear that she might get the wrong impression. the impression that i'm not strong enough to bear this relationship even though she is going away. if there's anything that she wants me to do, she would want me to be strong. but she also knows how hard that would be for me. because she understood that i drew strength from her. and she too, draws her strength from me.
so i took the initiative to let her know that i'll be strong. and that she needs to be strong too. "you know, Love, there was once a Man who walked on water. while His friends were fishing, they saw a figure walking on water. from far away, they shouted, 'who are you? are you a ghost?' but the Man on the water kept walking towards them. His friends were petrified. so they shouted once more, 'who are you?' and then the Man replied, 'it is I, Jesus.' one of His friends, Peter, asked if he could walk on the water with Him. Jesus invitingly called Peter towards Him. Peter stepped on the water and was able to walk on it. but the winds blew harder and the waves weren't as calm. Peter started to sink, and shouted to the Lord, 'My King, help me! i am drowning!' Jesus came and helped Him up and reprimanded Him, 'what little faith you have!!!'
all of a sudden, May's grip became tighter. she understood where i was trying to get at. "yes love, i know you'll have faith in Him. please, have faith in me too." she said convincingly.
"i do have faith in you and Him." i replied while taking her into my arms.
"then have faith in yourself as well." she hugged me tighter and caressed my back.
we just took each other into our arms. while watching the sun set. the skies represented the majestic heavens, and we represented the love that was the product of God's. she push herself gently away from me, and looked up. i was hesitant to look at her. but she wanted me to. and i knew it. so i did. and there she was, staring at me. i had no other option but to stare back at her. i felt weak. my eyes mounted up tears. i cried, like a baby would, in front of her. she held me, and looked at me sternly. it was her special way of letting me know that everything was going to be okay. it wasn't because i didn't want her to leave. by all means, she has to. it is her personal legend. Muktub. but i just wanted to hear her promise me over and over again that WE were going to be all right. that she was going to be okay. and that WE would still be... well... WE.
i summoned up some courage. and smiled. i kissed her. and whispered in her ears, "it's late. i should take you home."
without any pauses in between, she replied, "i am home." she hugged me tighter...
i walked up to May's window and took some twigs in my hand. i could tell, from the time of the afternoon, that she just woke up from her nap. so i started grabbing her attention through throwing those little twigs at her window. and as they pattered on her window, i noticed a curious shadow moving about. i gazed at the shadow harder. my eyes twitched as it began to focus and realize that my eyes were capturing the love of my life. i was careful. the shadow could have been her mother. but there she was, as beautiful as ever. so i called out her name, "May, May! let's go." she gave me a smile, which signaled two things; an assurance that she'll be joining me soon, and the sense of joy - running through her veins - as she was about to meet the love of her life.
she didn't take long to come down. she knew how beautiful she was to me, so vanity wasn't an issue. she came down as she was. and i too, without having to dress up nicely, came to her as i was. and as she ran into my arms, a brief sense of relief came over me. my heart began to beat slower - a sign that it was comfortable. it was a sign that i was holding my other half. a sign that it was where we belonged.
so i said that i was taking her away today. that we would get away from reality for a while. she smiled reassuringly. as much as i wanted to take her away, she gave a look that told me that she wanted to be taken far away too. so in order to fulfill such a yearning, i gave her a tighter hug. giving her a sense of tingling by cuddling her in my arms. i cautiously looked up her window once more, just to check if the higher authorities were far from sight. fortunately, they were.
i took her to the bus stop where we waited for a while. all this time, i had my arms around her. she clenched her fists while grabbing some of my t-shirt across my chest. she was very near me. May rested her head on my chest, while i was putting my arms around her. she whispered, "my love, i feel so protected." i smiled. i only thought of making her feel even warmer. i used my chin to move her head up so that we could look at one another. so i gazed into her eyes, and without saying anything, i told her i love her.
the bus came. as we boarded, her curiousity was aroused. we have never taken that bus before. and she knew that neither of us knew where it was going. but we boarded anyway. she looked at me, and gave me an anxious look. "it's okay. we're not going to be lost." so i reached out for her hand, brushed my fingers in between hers - and held it tightly. i gave her a smile which seemed to comfort her... because she held my hand tighter too.
in the bus, i refused to look at her. i know inside my heart that my love was going to a place farther than before. and i was saddened by this fact. not devastated, but weary. i have departed from so many people before, and have gone to far places myself. but i have never gotten used to saying farewells. it has always been hard for me. my emotions get all caught up inside, and build up to a point where i would not be able to control it. i didn't want to cry in front of May. i wanted her to know that i was strong. i wanted to show her that i'm still confident of our relationship. so i thought i should not meet with her eyes too many times, because my emotions might just show. although i could tell, from the way she was holding my hands, and the way she rested upon my shoulder... that she knew something was bothering me.
the bus made its last stop. the driver looked at us. we looked around. no one else was there except the both of us. we were so caught up in our own world that we didn't notice the people alighting before us. the experience was eerie in it's own special way.
"get down you two love birds. i tell you what, i know that if you walk a little to the north, you'd meet up with the shores of the beach. it's around sunset. it'll be nice." the driver said.
"why thank you kind sir. i didn't know it'll bring us here." i said in reply.
"just get down." the driver turned off his engine and alighted himself. but as he stepped down, i saw his mouth utter while shaking his head, "kids nowadays." his eyebrows met to portray sarcasm.
i stood up while still having May's hand in mine. she too stood up and alighted the bus with me. it was a given that we would be walking north. we wanted to catch the sun set. we knew how wonderful it would be. and since we were together, we knew how the occasion would be more dramatic.
when we got to the beach, we sat down on some huge rocks lying around. the horizon was beautiful. i still refused to look too much into her eyes. i still had the fear that she might get the wrong impression. the impression that i'm not strong enough to bear this relationship even though she is going away. if there's anything that she wants me to do, she would want me to be strong. but she also knows how hard that would be for me. because she understood that i drew strength from her. and she too, draws her strength from me.
so i took the initiative to let her know that i'll be strong. and that she needs to be strong too. "you know, Love, there was once a Man who walked on water. while His friends were fishing, they saw a figure walking on water. from far away, they shouted, 'who are you? are you a ghost?' but the Man on the water kept walking towards them. His friends were petrified. so they shouted once more, 'who are you?' and then the Man replied, 'it is I, Jesus.' one of His friends, Peter, asked if he could walk on the water with Him. Jesus invitingly called Peter towards Him. Peter stepped on the water and was able to walk on it. but the winds blew harder and the waves weren't as calm. Peter started to sink, and shouted to the Lord, 'My King, help me! i am drowning!' Jesus came and helped Him up and reprimanded Him, 'what little faith you have!!!'
all of a sudden, May's grip became tighter. she understood where i was trying to get at. "yes love, i know you'll have faith in Him. please, have faith in me too." she said convincingly.
"i do have faith in you and Him." i replied while taking her into my arms.
"then have faith in yourself as well." she hugged me tighter and caressed my back.
we just took each other into our arms. while watching the sun set. the skies represented the majestic heavens, and we represented the love that was the product of God's. she push herself gently away from me, and looked up. i was hesitant to look at her. but she wanted me to. and i knew it. so i did. and there she was, staring at me. i had no other option but to stare back at her. i felt weak. my eyes mounted up tears. i cried, like a baby would, in front of her. she held me, and looked at me sternly. it was her special way of letting me know that everything was going to be okay. it wasn't because i didn't want her to leave. by all means, she has to. it is her personal legend. Muktub. but i just wanted to hear her promise me over and over again that WE were going to be all right. that she was going to be okay. and that WE would still be... well... WE.
i summoned up some courage. and smiled. i kissed her. and whispered in her ears, "it's late. i should take you home."
without any pauses in between, she replied, "i am home." she hugged me tighter...
Friday, September 09, 2005
THE RIGHT ONE.
THE RIGHT ONE.
after more than 6 hours being on the phone with May, i've realized something...
we're crazy. lol. but it's as real as it can get.
how are we able to do such a feat? i duno. there are so many things we share. and its always non-stop. and i just love every single bit of it. i would work to make this relationship carry on until the end of our lives. no ending. not at all. i'll be an "irritating shadow". hehe.
so she prayed with me. and i was so touched with the way she prayed. it was simple, but i could tell from the sound of her voice that the amount of faith she has in the Lord is tremendous. it has been a long time since i prayed with someone. and in fact, it was her first time praying with someone. but although we were both "rusty", we felt very good afterwards. our relationship is based on many things, and one of them is our faith in God. we know how He has helped us along our journey. if it wasn't for Him, we wouldn't have met.
"if two or three are gathered in My name, there I will always be..."
and then the "stare". i've realized many times in our journey how much i need her. but at times like those, my heart cries. why? i duno exactly. but it cries. it just does. but in May's on way, she's always able to calm my eccentric spirit. she's always able to reach out and keep me warm. she has this power to reassure my heart that it is in her safe hands. she gives little words, but gives plenty of her own heart. and from then on, it's just mutual. it really is wonderful. there is no one in this world that i have been able to connect with, to such a point where not much words need to be exchanged.
maybe it's love? then again, it could be love. no wait. it is.
***
my love, the support and guidance you've given me is priceless. it is so valuable that i will be keeping it with me forever. i'm sorry for the times i've been "bad". and also for those times that i've hurt you. i didn't mean to. but love, i thank you for the wisdom you've shared with me. also, and most importantly, i thank you for the love you have been showering upon me. your patience is outstanding. a crappy person like me is just so hard to deal with.
but look at us. we're so strong. and we're growing stronger each day. we've been giving each other opportunities to grow. how lovely is that! not many can do that. but you and i have done so. and that makes us cherish each other even more. -smile-
i'm just really proud to be yours...
i'm so proud to be with you...
and i'm just so proud of you...
i just love you so much, May. i love you.
6 hours? that's nothing. i bet we can do more. if there's a will, there's a way? haaa!
if there's LOVE, there is already a path that's paved with gold...
after more than 6 hours being on the phone with May, i've realized something...
we're crazy. lol. but it's as real as it can get.
how are we able to do such a feat? i duno. there are so many things we share. and its always non-stop. and i just love every single bit of it. i would work to make this relationship carry on until the end of our lives. no ending. not at all. i'll be an "irritating shadow". hehe.
so she prayed with me. and i was so touched with the way she prayed. it was simple, but i could tell from the sound of her voice that the amount of faith she has in the Lord is tremendous. it has been a long time since i prayed with someone. and in fact, it was her first time praying with someone. but although we were both "rusty", we felt very good afterwards. our relationship is based on many things, and one of them is our faith in God. we know how He has helped us along our journey. if it wasn't for Him, we wouldn't have met.
"if two or three are gathered in My name, there I will always be..."
and then the "stare". i've realized many times in our journey how much i need her. but at times like those, my heart cries. why? i duno exactly. but it cries. it just does. but in May's on way, she's always able to calm my eccentric spirit. she's always able to reach out and keep me warm. she has this power to reassure my heart that it is in her safe hands. she gives little words, but gives plenty of her own heart. and from then on, it's just mutual. it really is wonderful. there is no one in this world that i have been able to connect with, to such a point where not much words need to be exchanged.
maybe it's love? then again, it could be love. no wait. it is.
***
my love, the support and guidance you've given me is priceless. it is so valuable that i will be keeping it with me forever. i'm sorry for the times i've been "bad". and also for those times that i've hurt you. i didn't mean to. but love, i thank you for the wisdom you've shared with me. also, and most importantly, i thank you for the love you have been showering upon me. your patience is outstanding. a crappy person like me is just so hard to deal with.
but look at us. we're so strong. and we're growing stronger each day. we've been giving each other opportunities to grow. how lovely is that! not many can do that. but you and i have done so. and that makes us cherish each other even more. -smile-
i'm just really proud to be yours...
i'm so proud to be with you...
and i'm just so proud of you...
i just love you so much, May. i love you.
6 hours? that's nothing. i bet we can do more. if there's a will, there's a way? haaa!
if there's LOVE, there is already a path that's paved with gold...
Thursday, September 01, 2005
9 months!
9 months!
how wonderful was it? haha. VERY.
i just feel so proud to be with you love. there are really no words to describe it. and i really hope you feel the same too. =)
i love you so much. we've gone through a lot. we ought to be proud of ourselves! =)
on a side note... i've been working out lately. and the funny thing is... i've been gaining weight. i was like, "wth?" haha. but my doctor says that its okay. it is actually because i'm gaining muscles, and muscles weigh heavier than fats.
so i was like... but i'm doing this so i can lose weight a little. and he's like... but you're also doing this because you wana look nice, right? ooooooo.
haha. oh well! =) if anything... only May will enjoy that anyway. hehe.
=P HAPPY 9 MONTHS LOVE!!!
how wonderful was it? haha. VERY.
i just feel so proud to be with you love. there are really no words to describe it. and i really hope you feel the same too. =)
i love you so much. we've gone through a lot. we ought to be proud of ourselves! =)
on a side note... i've been working out lately. and the funny thing is... i've been gaining weight. i was like, "wth?" haha. but my doctor says that its okay. it is actually because i'm gaining muscles, and muscles weigh heavier than fats.
so i was like... but i'm doing this so i can lose weight a little. and he's like... but you're also doing this because you wana look nice, right? ooooooo.
haha. oh well! =) if anything... only May will enjoy that anyway. hehe.
=P HAPPY 9 MONTHS LOVE!!!
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