expectations

expectations.

no one truly understands the whole story. i'm complicated. and no one truly can grasp the meaning of that. to know what it truly means, they would have to go through the same battles that i went through.

at a young age, i was already made a leader.
i was given great responsibilities since young.
and my mentors, parents and friends found out that i was capable of performing.
and in performing, i meant carrying out my responsibilities.
i was able to answer to the authorities, with authority.
i was able to be a brother to a whole bunch of people who didn't even truly know me.
most never even tried.
they just knew one aspect of me.
i was able to perform in a hall, ever so famous, yet my deficiency on my possessive instrument was evident.
i'm not one of the best, but i run the race.
all i ever did was not to give up.
to give up is a question that will forever haunt me.
and you.
and some of my closest friends know how much of a fighter i can be.
or how much a survivor i can be.
i was able to pull my grades up!
though many of my SAS teachers would have thought of it as impossible.
i've had friends come up to me to talk about their lives.
i'd listen.
i'd pitch in some advice if i had any.
i have been hated for being truthful.
i have been loved for being true.
they were thankful.
they were angry.
i was joyous to help out.
i have taken risk after risk, and ended up in places not many people have set foot on.
not unless you know how to take risks yourself, you will never know why i am the way i am.
i braved through trials that seemed unattainable.
but i fell many times too.
even cried my heart out at night.
i left home.
twice.
make that three.
i've left faces.
and met new ones.
in which i don't even remember all.
i've loved.
and i've been loved.
and now i'm in love again.
and being loved.
thank God for that.
i've been patient.
with myself.
and whole bunch of other people.
i hope my last straw is still far, far away.
i let my heart speak first, then my mind.
that's why my hands are always ready to reach out and help.
i went through many operations.
and went back on the operating table more than once in a night.
i've been touched by the Holy Spirit.
i've learned, but not taught.
i fell into a fight before.
alone.
and in a group.
i smoked.
i drank.
and i still do.
sometimes.
i've seen different places, and learned a great deal about people through travel.
but travel made me weary.
now all i want to do is settle down.
i've kept my chin up through the hard times.
be it my father leaving.
be it the lack of talent.
be it a heart break.
be it lonliness.
be it bad health.
be it whatever.
and my chin is still up.
makes heaven more visible that way.
but i'm only human.
that means i get tired.
who doesn't?
i was able to encourage, push and motivate.
and to some, even change their lives.

fancy that.

feel the irony?

i was given a talent, but i bloomed late. the piano is a monster. and my master. or at least in some ways. it could be hated for many reasons. but it could be loved for many more reasons. i have forgotten that if i want something badly enough, and that i work hard for it... the whole universe will conspire to help me make that dream a reality.

you're right, love. many push themselves but somehow find that the last stretch is the hardest. many give up even though they only had one more step to take to finish the race. what a waste. but that's why i still run the race, yes? i keep up. or at least try to.

even the best fall down sometimes.

two words. "only human".