oh please.

oh please.

i'm a thinking being.

why blame it all on her? oh please. had enough of your cries today. it's all the same. you, him, and the rest of the so called matured people - all trying to judge and never acting on their own preaching. just like the case with my sister. trying hard to understand? but not let go? what irony. you gave a so-called fair opportunity, but every other thing that he did became an opportunity to find fault with my sister? my sister? my sister doing bad things? oh please! why would she? and where would have she picked those "bad things" up? oh please. reflect. reflect not on our doing, but what environment we have been nutured under. and when another gets mad in the house - its not okay, but when you blow up - its okay? i'm human too for crying out loud. dependant? hell no. you want me to depend on you more like it. i'm 20 and i'm still wearing diapers? bah.

i already said its my fault. i'm taking the blame for MY actions. no one else is at fault except me. geez. its not like i got her pregnant. its not like i killed her. its not like i've been selling my body. its just a freaking bill - not a death sentence. bah. it CAN be fixed.

my money is going to a waste? hold on. the point is, it's MY money. even that, i cant have control of? geez.

you talk about hardship, so what? everyone's got something up their's. its all the same.

how can you say that it'll never be accepted? so now it's forbidden? bah. try and stop me. oh well.

the many times that you've caught me in a "bad mood", are you even sure i was in a bad mood? i'm seldom in a bad mood. most of the times thinking, but rarely bearing a grudge. it's when people piss me off that i give back an attitude. everyone close to me knows that. and shouldn't you? i was calm. real calm. but you had to blow my top off. there are days where i would be praying with her, and you'd take it like as if i just came back from hell. but in truth, i was praying with her. we were talking to God. is that so bad? why? dont you talk to God with your husband? defending her? bah. i'm defending myself. its not about her, it was about me. it was about my choices, my desicions, and my actions. i take responsibility in such actions. i'm no baby who'd just cry, say nothing and run away. i'll stand up for myself. expect that. it's not disrespect. you took it as if it was. it's called standing up for oneself - welcome to the 21st century.

its not that i can live on my own, but damn, what do you want me to do? the way you find fault in every relationship that comes along the ways of your children is just uncanny. if there was an award for such things, you'd get it. like seriously, so what's your point? you want me to live on my own? sure. i'd do it if i have to. you suddenly got angry, hating another person's guts for your own son's actions? wtf?

you are obliged to him? oh please. save the crocodile tears. i'm not married to her? so what? i love her. isn't that what really matters? so you mean to say that if you weren't "married", you wouldn't be obliged? wtf? marriage was the contract? not love? wtf?! I LOVE HER! and that's why i don't feel obliged. besides, even if i was defending her, i bet you'd defend your husband in the same way too, wouldn't you? boo yah! right back at you~

oh please. i'm not letting her go. it'll take more than just a stupid bill. i already admitted my mistake, even said i'm sorry. i took down my pride. i even dared you to take a close look at the next one. geez. talk about being unreasonable.

and so i say that i have problems too, but look at my role models. talk about perfection? i see none. so dont expect anything like that from me. you want me to learn? well then, why cant my experiences be a learning process for me to be stronger? why can't my relationship be a stepping stone to a better me? why does it seem like you struggle for me in my relationship? you care? or you just really don't want to let go? we all go through problems, dont we? so you notice the really "bad days" but never notice the really good ones? wtf? so what's that suppose to mean? i'm suppose to back away from a fight? that's not how you taught me. that's not how i was raised.

in all respects, i'm just like you.

all problems i see in the world and in myself are related to YOU, not to her. you are the root of what my natural reactions to life are. dont go blaming someone else for it. you were there ever since day one. you should know better. i'm a direct reflection of you. so dont come crying to me telling me how much fault you've found in me and my life. I AM YOUR LIFE.

i'm grateful. but i'm not a pushover. not even her can do that. none of you can. no matter how much you love me, or no matter how much i love you, none of you can push me around just like that. i'd fight. and you know it.

i hit myself? i always do. you say you become mad? well you already were. and you do the same things whenever you argue passionately with anyone here at home. so save the tears because like i said, i'm a carbon copy.

geez. wind, blow it over.

no gift? haaa. we all pitched in. so why cant you say that to my sister, or brother? we ALL pitched in. bah. no gift? going up to Carnegie Hall for you guys wasn't a gift? so whats that then? you're not proud of me? then wtf? i went up there feeling proud to be one of yours, but hell - i didn't even get any sort of affirmation from none of you. geez. so that's suppose to make me happy?

for heaven's sake, know what you want.

then talk to me.

music is a drug

music is a drug.

got caught in the eye of the storm recently. i'm glad we survived.

somehow, i welcomed the mixture of feelings that were rumbling through my mind and soul during these recent nights. crying myself to sleep never felt better. what else could i do but pray, hoping that the Mighty Hand would listen? i'm pretty sure He did. if He didn't, then we wouldn't be where we are now. then again, maybe it was just the choices that we made. but isn't that what we really are? "we are the choices we make."

the scorpion and the frog. heard of that story? was talking to friend and got reminded of this tale.

there was once a scorpion who wanted to cross the river but did not know how to swim. fearing to drown, it looked around for help and found a frog nearby. the scorpion asked the frog if he could help carry him across the river. the frog laughed at him and said, "i'm not stupid. you're just going to sting me." in reply the scorpion said, "i can't do that. if i sting you, i'll sink with you and die." So the frog after giving it some thought agreed to help the scorpion. the scorpion mounted the frog and off they went to the other side of the river. half way across the river, the scorpion stung the frog. the frog asked in surprise, "why did you sting me?" and in reply the scorpion said, "i'm a scorpion. i can't help it."

people do that. at some point in our lives, we drop our masks and reveal our true selves. and when our true selves show, we bring down anyone we cling on to (or anyone who clings on to us) even if we 'sink and drown' with them. we just cant help it. we cant pretend or act to be someone we're not forever. at some point in time, our true selves will emerge.

but what sets a human being apart from a wild animal?

our ability to make choices. animals cant make choices like we do. a fly would be attracted to a seemingly harmless light where it would electrocute itself and lead itself to death. a shark would go berserk with the smell of blood even if it was just a drop. a bear would protect its cubs even if there was just one. a frog would eat its babies just to fill their hungry tummies. a dung beetle would push a ball of dung and not a ball of hair. if humans were meant to be like wild animals, then we wouldn't be able to come up with languages, music or logic. we wouldn't be able to sort our complicated emotions. we wouldn't be able to fall in love and stay in love. we wouldn't be able to say yes to our God. but guess what... we did.

sounds nice as i praise our ability to be smart? not really. animals are so predictable. unlike humans. we can make choices. we can make a choice that no one would ever expect. and that's part of life. just like no matter where we are or what point we are in our lives, someone or something would expect some form of effort from us is also a part of life. the choices that we make is what makes us contradicting. this ability is what makes us so unpredictable. and that's why we're so unique. because we crave for so many things - freedom, happiness, inner peace, but all we have to do is make a choice.

so the truth still stands. "we are the choices we make."

***
i'm not leaving.
there is a bond too special,
it can never be broken.
no matter how unpredictable life can get between us,
i'll stay,
as your true friend,
your one companion,
and lover.
you are who you are,
but i love you,
and i love YOU.
because if i didn't,
i would have been broken by now.
no one can "act" for that long.

i have realized how i affected you.
i'm sorry.
but i'm full of gratitude.
i didn't think i'd get another chance,
to once again prove myself.

we're the same.
if we both sit down,
to stop and think,
and solemnly reflect,
we both would find that we're the same.
yet different.

but i'm not going away.
i can't.
i love you too much.

i love you. i do...

17th month.

17th month.

ohhh yeah. amazing. its so true what my love says, about how worth it everything will be in the end. if one was to ponder about what we're going through as a couple, many relationships pale in comparison. if you really think about it, we're "strong" people. and of course, it's also because of the love we have for each other.

i really admire how patient you are with me. furthermore, the way you put so much belief in me is unmatched by any other. and it's all the simple reason of because you love me. i wouldn't want to have faced the last 17 months any other way. so many lessons learned, and so many experiences shared. i'm just really in awe whenever i take a while and sit to think about what we have as a couple.

i am so totally in love with you.

HAPPY 17th MONTH ANNIVERSARY!

***

new look?


so people... obviously, i lost a bet on this one. Haha~