babble.

sometimes, i don't know why i'm so forgiving. is it because of love? is it because i am afraid to be lonely?

i ask myself if Karol ever regretted forgiving someone. is it even possible that forgiving someone can be a mistake? its so hard to imagine that the papa regretted forgiving someone. all throughout his life, he was always a living testimony of the Christian faith. he was always ready to forgive, and accept the humanity of another being.

Karol's life is... inspiration.

although it hurts so much, it is through this pain that i know i love her. as much as i feel like i should be the one in those (painful) photographs, i cannot undo the past. it will now be a sadistic reminder of all the things that were. i wish to erase them, but can't. instead, i pray that God gives me the strength to get used to all these memories. and above all, the courage to look at those photographs and be filled with the spirit of forgiveness.

... why? why did you?

i can't help but blame myself. sigh. i feel so terrible...

and after all these... i still can't reach out. i still can't touch you. why was i so foolish to believe that you'll be here soon? why was i so foolish to convince myself that seeing you means seeing Love? why am i so foolish?

there really is no one else to blame but me. sigh...

the real task here is not whether i can forgive you. the real task, my dearest friend, is if i can forgive myself.

may i be washed down by the blood of Jesus. amen.

i dont know...

i'm still confused by a lot of things. and i still think that i may not be ready for the challenges ahead of me. i'm scared to open up to anyone nowadays, and i'm afraid to show my friends who i really am.

so much have been going in my life. i dont know why things are the way they are... but i know for sure that God has His reasons.

i feel like i'm still cheated. in many ways that i cannot express. sigh.

i just don't know who to talk to sometimes. oh well...

"no one wants me"

being the fool that i am, i gave all my heart to her too early again! so now, i'm once again trapped in my own humiliation. i am once again crushed, defeated, hurt, abandoned, played around with, and thrown away.

what's amazing about all these things is that my God pulled through for me again. if it wasn't for Him, i would have never found out what was really happening. thank you my Lord! to God be the glory!

why is it so painful this time around? simple. because at least in the past, in my previous relationships, my partner had enough courage to let me know about the third party. they confronted me and told me the truth straight away. it was obvious that they didn't want to be with me. no games were played. "by chance", was never a reason they gave. and at least i didn't have to live a lie. sigh.

i feel like that child again. back to that time when my real father left my mom. sigh.

my opportunity to be emo.

no. wait. my opportunity to be strong. oops.

oh well.

faith.

one of my takes on it...

by no means do i have a full understanding of how it is to be a parent. but when i think of the word faith, being a parent always comes to mind. most do not remember taking our first few steps as a tod. and for most of us (who are fortunate enough), our parents were the ones who remember how the joyous event went. our parents were the ones that celebrated with us when we took our first few steps. for those of us that can walk and run, when we first found out the gift of our legs, we quickly get ourselves into trouble unknowingly. tods run into things by accident, they fall, and sometimes hurt themselves. parents guide their children by holding their hands up and encouraging them to walk. as soon as the child gets used to the feeling of walking, the child is left alone to walk by his or her own. its hard for a parent at first, but eventually, a trust is built. the kind of trust that comes from the fact that the parent has taught his or her child well. it is also the trust that his or her child can learn to be more independent.

the child quickly grows. i hear many parents claim that children grow up too fast nowadays. i agree. sometimes, i feel that children outgrow their parents in various ways quickly. i remember my mom crying when she saw my sister and i go off to college. she had to "let us go". my sis was 4 hours away by car, and i was 8 hours away by bus. bottom line is, we were both really far away from home. it was not easy to come home for the weekend because either one of us would be spending more than a hundred bucks just to see our family. it was tough.

although my mom was crying her heart out, i know she wanted us to chase our dreams. i know deep down inside her, she wanted us to grow on our own. seeing your child grow means less and less authority on them over the years, because eventually your child realizes that he or she is its own being. the child's awareness to a sense of identity becomes evident. as a parent, one can only hope that he or she had put a deep enough impact to (at least) have influenced the child's foundations. my mom cried but was very encouraging to let us grow on our own - because she knows that she had a deep enough impact on my sister's and my foundations.

this encouragement is special. it can be done silently, or with much words. it can come accompanied with actions, or none at all. it can be rejected, or simply ignored. it can be mistaken for sterness, or perhaps enlivening. sometimes, it is thrown away, but sometimes it is treasured.

i think faith works in a similar way. it is encouragement from God. He lets us grow on our own but at the same time He is not insecure about the kind of impact He has made in our lives. we have a choice to accept this very special encouragement. i find that most people that have accepted it, find it easier to accept not only who they are but also who others are. because with such encouragement brings you identity (just like how a parent's encouragement to grow on your own brings you identity). but above all, it eventually turns into trust. because when the child learns how to walk alone, the parents eventually learn how to trust the child's capability... and "let go".

perhaps, if people accept faith (encouragement from God), they will one day find that God has also learned how to trust them.

*****

i know that i have to let you grow on your own. but in many ways, i'm like a father to you. i hope you understand where i am coming from. may God bless you always.

i love you.

Monsters within...

he wakes up in sweat. the same dreams about his death still haunt him. although he is afraid, he knows that life has to move on. he needs to face each day with some form of courage. he fills his mind with thoughts about everday duties that is still left to be done. it helps him calm down.

he talks to himself in front of a mirror. he knows that he's getting tired, but refuses to acknowledge it. he wants to keep fighting, even if he loses to the monsters. he fights his own demons, and fights other's. and of all demons, he's faced with the toughest to date. his friend has been suffering from fears that have cloaked her for a very long time. he wants to help her, and he wants to free her. these demons inside her are there for many reasons, and he knows that he had a lot of things to do with why they are within her. he has made it a point to chase them out of her. he knows that it is the only way to save her, and them. the only thing holding his success back is his friend herself. she's still not ready to let them go.

he pauses. he looks at the mirror and sees his own demons staring back at him. he closes his eyes and says a prayer. he knows that these forms of darkness is strong only if he lets them scare him. he refuses to be afraid. they may chase him at night in dreams, but during daytime... it is his turn to chase after them.

he fills himself with thoughts of kindness, patience and love. there, he draws his strength. he knows that love conquers all. or at least that's what he is told. he talks to God in prayer, and completes it with a sign of the cross. he opens his eyes again and looks at his reflection. he sees no more demons. for now, they are the hunted.

yet again he pauses. he turns on the tap, and lets the water run down his hands. he stares at his hands as they get washed by the cooling water. he feels tired. a little doubt in his head speaks and tells him to give up and just leave his friend to the hands of the demons. after all, she will not acknowledge his efforts to help free her. perhaps she is not aware of the energy he has put in to shed light upon the darkness. there are many times that he thought to himself, that no matter what he did - try or give up - she will not release her demons. he stops his gaze at the water and starts washing his face.

he moves to get his polo-t. as he wears it in front of the mirror, he can't help but recall the dreams that he had built with his friend. he thinks to himself, "she's confused, angry and tired." he feels a pang in his heart, but he maintains his composure. he proceeds to think that nothing is more powerful than love. all these dreams will not be lost, and will be found one day and rebuilt... perhaps these dreams will be made into reality.

he puts on his socks and pants, shoes and tie. he combs his hair back, and looks at the mirror one last time. he takes a step into the living room, and sees his friend. she lays on the couch peacefully sleeping. she is close to him, yet so far. he bends over to her ear and whispers, "life is too short. death would tell you to live, for he is coming. i know i'm not worthy to be here, but neither are you. only He, who is perfect, is. i'm trying. hard. even though i don't have to."

as he walks to the door, he hears a whisper... "mmmmm. i want my baby." his friend rolls over to her other side, and carries on sleeping. he opens the door while a tear glistens down his cheek. he knows it is all but a dream now. he whispers, "i want mine too."

and so he reaches his destination, kneels down and makes the sign of the cross. there in church, he lets his griefs out, hoping that the Almighty will hear him.

no matter what happens... at least he knows he tried.

no one.

its staggering.

we play with emotions and we're unaware of it almost all of the time. and when we become conscious of these emotions, we find that we have already dug a hole so deep that it takes more effort to get out of it than fall into it.

i was getting lost in the stacks at the Rush Rhees library at the University of Rochester last night. oh boy. that place is freaking huge. so enormous that they actually need a whole building for new stacks of books, and a whole building for the old stacks of books. 5 floors each (or more, i could be wrong). being a "classical romantic", i was hanging out at the old stacks of course, on the 5th floor where one can find books about religions. shelves and shelves of scholarly articles about Christianity, and a bunch of other beliefs. i got so excited that i almost peed in my pants. if only i had an infinite amount of time, i would be spending a great deal of my life reading books in that place. calm and peaceful, sometimes eerie, i was sitting down on an old chair facing the window. the skies that night were clear, not much clouds, nor stars. it was just clear. i looked to my left and stumbled upon a shelf that had a book misplaced as it laid ontop of the other books lifelessly. the book's cover was of red leather (probably due to age), and a familiar symbol of a cross in the middle. i picked it up, opened it, and to my gentle and pleasant surprise, it was a book of prayers. prayers that has been passed down generations after generations to most Christians. the first time i flipped through the pages, my sight landed upon the very first prayer i learned as a tod. it was a prayer to God asking for His angels to guide and gaurd me. it made my night.

it scares me when someone tells me or asks me that he or she is going to partake in a certain activity, and that this certain activity is outside the norm of thinking from society's. so much of the "modern" mass thinks that "if i believe it is right, then it is right." what crap. this is how narrow minded we can get sometimes. i, too, fall into the trap. but at least i make an effort to be self-aware. the problem is when people aren't trying to be self-aware. why should we be aware?

1 + 1 = 2

i know this is right. through a bunch of theorms and proofs, we know that this is right.

1 + 1 = 3

i know this is wrong. BUT, if i believed it were right and not wrong, would you correct me? of course. obviously. so why believe in something that you "feel is right"? it doesn't make sense all the time to do so...

there is simple logic in most truths. we can easily deny claims if it is obviously wrong. but how about morality? or the ever changing modern way of thinking? or the way emotions come and go? or the way truths of life are revealed one moment, and disappear the next? am i to judge people because i feel that they are ignorant?

what bothers me is the lack of awareness people have. for example, why pick on someone's feelings? look, ask the right questions if you want to get the right answers. why would you ask a question that you already know the answers to? because you want assertion? why then become upset if you hear what you don't want? because that too is a form/kind of assertion.

i love how people turn the tables on you... even though you were the person being asked. then they pick on you because you answered their question "wrongly" (more like they don't get what they want to hear). and then you tell them that you are being hurt by their enjoyment of limited superiority through verbal attacks because you were honest with them. then they say they weren't picking on you in the first place. they weren't picking on you when they asked you a question with an expected reply (but never got it) then becoming upset and mocking your intellect because you gave them your honest opinion? what contradiction and inconsistency! i would even claim it to be a blasphemy. how is that not picking on you?

and everything else you say will be used against you, mind you. you have to keep in mind that you can never "win". you will be digging an even deeper hole if you try and defend yourself. even if they apologize that they didn't mean it to sound like they were picking on you... the fact stays that it was some form of attack. how else is it to be viewed? the question that was asked already had a pending answer or expected fall of events.

its a trap then.

and then, once you have "rebelled" enough, you are told that you are taking this all the wrong way. how nice. after reasoning out what just had happened, your efforts of trying to communicate the truths in a situation is all in vain. every single truth that came out of your mouth is ignored. why? because some modern minds would just think this... "if i think it is right, then it is right."

what contradiction. modern mind?

i'm not alive to please you and give you answers that you want to hear. instead i show another aspect of life that will not always be pleasant. i apologize that i do not aggravate the proper senses, and i do not seem to support you... but all in all, i pray you understand that a lot of my will, thinking, and passions are not determined by silly scenarios that are blurted out for the sake of hearing what you want.

it's unfair.

but like the "modern mind" some people are, they just turn the tables on you all the time. make you seem like you're the bad guy. make you feel that your opinions are insignificant, they end up doing what they want, they complain if you do not care enough for them, but they complain if you care too much.

like i said, "its a trap".

another hearing...

"let us proclaim the mystery of faith"

during the preparation of the Eucharist, the priest would say this line as the congregation is kneeling down. i've heard this line thousands of times before but i never really took notice of it.

when the priest says mystery... i'm like, "which one?" there's so many. or at least that's what i thought. it bothered me a little because we were proclaiming it too! a mystery is being proclaimed?! we must be crazy.

but we are crazy. crazy about living life to the fullest through the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

so yeah... we are proclaiming the mysteries of faith. i reflected a little on it. what is the mystery? there's so much to pick from, we say? not so. what do the Catholics give as a reply when the priest says this line?

"Christ has died. Christ has risen. Christ will come again."

there is good reason why we proclaim this. we want to be saved. we want eternal life. and we want to be in the presence of God's unconditional love. there is also good reason why it is a mystery. Christ was fully man, and fully God when he walked this Earth, how then can He be two beings at one time? to die and to rise again? virtually impossible, yes. but above all, the second coming, when and how will it come?

but to proclaim a mystery. it is still unsettled in me. perhaps it is because we believe in a mystery. to believe in a mystery is pretty disturbing to some people out there. but then again, perhaps that is what faith is.

faith is to belive in a mystery then? let us be reminded that these mysteries are not meant for us to solve. God never said anything in the bible, neither is it stated in the church's doctrines that a believer should come up with an answer to these mysteries. we're not required to solve them. we are, however, required to believe in them. but why believe in a mystery if it is never going to be answered or solved by anyone?

who says a believer has to? Jesus already solved it. and He will solve it again for us. He has the answers. He fulfills these mysteries.

imagination

"Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of
Pure imagination
Take a look
And you'll see
Into your imagination

We'll begin
With a spin
Traveling in
The world of my creation
What we'll see
Will defy
Explanation

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be"

the photo is my 2007 happy face! wheeee!!!

i love how the power of imagination can save one's sanity. haha. it definitely helped me save mine. new year, and i'm already facing a lot of ordeals. sweet. i can't wait for the harder ones to swing by. i mean, let's not be afraid to learn, yes? =)

you know another thing i love? the fact that when i "leave" someone's life, only then do they start opening up to what i've always been telling them. haha. we all learn. so do i. =)

another thing i love is how people cloak themselves with "knowledge". haha. they talk like they know everything there is to know about a certain subject, like religion (and God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit) when in truth they know very little. mmm.

i'm loving the fact that a good friend is coming to UofR! i remember the first time we met, we talked hours on end. it was awesome! haha. and thank you for being there when i needed a shoulder to lean on. and i'm glad we cleared things out. i just hope that i grow stronger, not weaker. and next time i cry, it'll be your turn to be there, k? hehe :P

oh yeah, shout out to my roommate! Chester! wheee! =) roommate lovers! hahahaha!!! jk~ there are many things i need to be thankful for in 2006, and one of them is meeting you. thanks for looking after me! =D

eastman peeps! Gary, Caroline, Dan Baer, Audrey and so much more! ay. the list goes on. thanks for looking out for me! =)

i'm also very thankful for a very special relationship. now, you're a figment of my romantic imagination. you're always in my prayers. stay safe always. i'm glad that you're in the road you're in. you'll always have a friend in me.

alright peeps, 2007, wish all of you a happy new year!