did i not do my best? if this is what it leads up to, then perhaps i could have done better.
i could have.
"thank you for loving me; guiding me; holding me; comforting me & so much more... for i know now that in love, everything is possible. Thank you for loving me & teaching me how to love in the process." - 10/19/07
everything is possible in love? i highly doubt that now. skeptical to the point that i feel anger inside me. betrayed, not only by you but also by my Father. sigh. if truly i have taught you so much, then why not put them into practice? in the end, my efforts truly seem to be in vain. sigh.
"baby, i realize that you do have your fears, insecurity and confusion. all these are guesswork, and if you wish, you can tell me if it's right, add on to it or just correct me. there may be times when you're confused as to why i "choose" you over others. i feel that, it is here that insecurity kicks in. you may ask yourself, what is it that i've that attracts her to me? what if she sees someone else with even better qualities then me? or, am i good enough for her? am i doing right? and, i think that it's behind each insecurity that the fear lies. so i kind of linked it as, confused questions that comes with insecured personal questions and masked fears behind each question. haha, i don't know how true. took me a while to came to this conclusion, but i'm always open to opinions and changes from you, love." - 1/26/07
i worked so hard to show you that i'm not insecure anymore. i struggled so hard... but yet, i do not receive a lot of acknowledgement from it. it is like as if my struggle did not mean anything to you at all. this, i think, is by far the greatest change i have in me. i'm more confident of myself, at least in this aspect. but now... i feel like it is all going to crumble down again. these are lessons i took from you. lessons that i put into practice in the new me. sigh...
"it's true that i like this life that i'm living. it's as though i'm free to hang out with people i want, lack of curfews, having my own space, privacy and the chance to do the things i want." - 1/26/07
i struggled to change for this reason too. i wanted to accomodate to your wants, and not just mine. sigh.
"let's learn from the mistakes and take the effort to grow. i apologize for my actions, and i am trying to think and be a better person now... baby, i hope i'm not flooding you with my ideas, thoughts and emails. if all are too much for you to think, digest and feel, then, just tell me, alright? i want to be a person who can take opinions and criticisms well from now on." 1/26/07
did you really mean that? sigh.
"another thing i've to confess is that, i make things a lot more drastic then they seem to be in my head. it's as though the angrier i feel (and i often use anger to project depression and weakness away), the more imaginative i get in my imagery and my emotions." - 1/25/07
remember when i warned you about emotional reasoning? you knew about it too, but i suppose you just didn't know how to label it. sigh. but you knew...
"indeed happy 2 years and 10 months. i feel happier now then i was when we first got together. maybe it's because i know we've both gone through our ups and downs, been emotionally close and apart, physcially apart, but yet one thing had always kept us close - Love. i look forward to the future now even more, feeling the motivation to overcome whatever that has to be over come; knowing that no matter how tough the next battle may be, we'll tide through it together, and all these, baby, because of you. so, thank you. you and i can always choose to go through our battles alone, definitely with God by our own individual sides. but together, our hands held and hearts together, faith & trust joined, i promise, a greater, richer journey awaits. to us, baby. i love you. always." - 10/1/07
sigh. i wonder where the truth in all these statements went to. now, i'm alon again. sigh.
********
i'm so stuck. i really don't know what to think or feel anymore. i thought i'd be the better person for you now. do you remember the email you sent on 1/02/07? if you have the chance to read that, you'll be surprised at how far we both have truly come. all of those statements were painful, but i went back to them knowing i can face the hurting past. but now that i read them all, i just crumble even more to think that we've gotten so far and yet we end up on another ditch. it is very frustrating.
but now, you chose to walk away. you assume that i am all "these things" that i feel i truly am not. sigh.
stuck.
