Living Day By Day

That was quick. That was really quick. Sigh. I can't believe that there is still so much anger in me. Has it been suppressed in me all these times? Why can't I just let go?

You built me up... made me confident about myself, helped me grow... and then you took so much away... that hurts. Haha, I just realized that that was an understatement.

I've said this before, but I would never get tired of saying it... it is just so unfair.

Get over it, Neil. You are once again the path... not the man. You're supposed to be used to it by now.

I miss that feeling of being able to say, "I love you" and mean it... and feel loved in return. I miss the feeling of being cheeky, but all with good intention. I miss the feeling of being able to treasure someone and make her feel special. I miss making  her laugh, smile, and feel good about herself. I miss doing all that, but truthfully meaning it. I miss the feeling of being able to tease, and being teased. I miss the feeling of getting up in the morning and thinking of joy to be with a wonderful person, and ending the day with that one person in mind. I miss the feeling of crying because my heart is filled with joy. I miss the overwhelming sensation of feeling loved, and the kind of warmth that only one person in this world can give you...

These days are gone. They have passed. And I'm struggling to let these feelings go. No more for me... none at all.

And now, you have someone else to share all these wonderful feelings with. Oh crap. That's really quick. It may have not happened yet... but I'm sure it will. Soon enough, I'll slowly be nudged out of your heart, and someone else will take my place. Nah, its okay. It's the way it goes...

But I would give anything and everything just to get those feelings again... but I don't think I'll achieve them any time soon. It could be a very, very, very long time before I could open up again. And when I do open up, I'll feel so vulnerable, that I may just end up reverting to what I feel now. Bah, oh well.

Has anyone cared enough to try and realize how it feels to be just a path, and not the actual person? Then again... no one understands what I'm saying when I mean "path" and "person". Oh well.

I've been broken before... but I've never been broken this much. And I don't understand why the process of putting the pieces of me together is taking so long.

Maybe... just maybe... I really loved you. And perhaps... I still do.

Sigh. God, please help me let go so I don't have to hurt so much. I don't like this state that I'm in. Please my God, I beg of you... grant me the strength and courage to face up to my own foolishness. And help me forgive myself for all the wrongs I have made...

I want to fall in love again...

Caroline Rose Palser

If I hadn't woken up, would I have been asleep forever?

What makes us compassionate? Through our understanding of Suffering. A Suffering that is inevitable in this world. A Suffering that we share through many various forms. But that is why I don't like leaving anyone behind. That is why I have a genuine care for people around me. That is where my compassion for you stems.

I've been told that I look to God for help a lot. Well, I do, but how does God truly help me?

Through people. God doesn't zap my heart with warm fuzzy feelings whenever I'm sad, or when I'm in need of His love. He won't come down from heaven and give me a big hug, and He won't erase my problems instantly (even if He could). Instead, His kindness and love for me is manifested through the people that are being used as His instrument to console me. And these people don't even know it. I do seek God, but I'm not oblivious to the blessings that He showers upon me. Through my environment, God answers my prayers.

It is no miracle. It is not that hard to understand either. I pray because I'm His child. I pray to Him because I acknowledge Him as my God and Saviour, friend and brother. But as far as being nurtured by Him... I let myself learn from the persons that He sends my way.

Through people, I see God's face.

Through people, I hear God's voice.

Through people, I feel God's love.

So trust me when I say that God loves you... all you have to do is allow yourself to be loved by Him. No one is stopping you except you. God is in control... He will never send anything your way that you can't handle.

*****

God is good. I know that He's giving me a second chance. And I gladly accept.

I'm glad you didn't walk out of my door. Thank you.

My heart's not as heavy as it was before... maybe someday I'll fall in love again...

Another Day

I jumped into the lake, and swam to the other boat. I was climbing the ladder just fine, and as soon as I got onto the boat... I noticed my hands were bleeding. George helped me cover up the wound. I have no idea how I got the cut. I'm not too keen on seeing my own blood though. The cut is long, but not deep. It'll dry out in the next couple of days.

Regardless of what I'm feeling right now, my responsibilities as a Resident Advisor is pretty much taking over my life. It is true what Luke said, "it is a way of life". For the most part, I agree. And may I just add that training week was so much fun. Long, long, very long days we all had. It was almost weird not to see everyone on that Sunday we had a "day off". We all know we needed that, and we all know that the best is yet to come.

I've not been able to sit down and think things through, but now that things are becoming more calm, I can begin my process of clearing my mind, heart and soul. I'm back at Eastman. I can now concentrate on the things that matters to me most - music. I embark on a new journey to tackle formal training on jazz. I hope it works out. And I hope that this semester does not kill me.

Speaking of thinking things through... I don't know how I truly feel about our situation anymore. I want to be endearing, but on the same token - practical. Life moves on quickly, and if I don't follow through, I will be left behind. On this issue, I tell myself that life will bring forth new beginnings. And one may soon be on its way. I hope for the best because hope is one of the few things that I can hold true.

And thank you to all my friends. All of you made it easier for me. I'm still in the process of healing, but surely I'll reach that stage of betterment. If there is anything that will spring out of these ashes, it'll be a smile on my face to recognize the better me.

Am I doing just fine? I suppose. I'm not doing terrible, that's for sure. Or at least I'm not doing as bad as I were in the beginning of this ordeal. "Shit happens", that's for sure. I just didn't think it'll happen to me. But then it did, so I was wrong. Who am I to judge? I am but one of the many wanderers of Life.

Am I still bitter about it? A little. I just wish things could have turned out a little better. But it will be okay. It seems like every thing has just passed anyway. And May doesn't seem to care anymore. And even if she does, she wouldn't do anything about it. I suppose the heart can only take so much - hey, if you've been with me, you'll know what I mean. Crazy is as crazy goes, but I'm to the point where whacky takes its definition. I'm sure there'll be someone better out there for her. I know God will take care of her. More lovely things will come your way, May. I just pray that you don't forget where you started.

So I guess I'll be on my way. I really appreciate this new role that I play in my school. It keeps my mind off things when I need it.

And May, you may say I'm a good guy... but everyone says that about me. But guess what, there will be plentiful of other good guys out there. And I'm sure one of them will be capable of loving you the way you want to be loved.

Be blessed.