One At A Time

i suppose it doesn't matter how much the dream was. i suppose what matters now is how much i can dream again.

i find myself struggling to socialize with people. in the midst of any crowd, i feel lonely. it is irritating because being with people is suppose to keep my mind away from straying into a dark abyss of tormenting memories. regardless, it is better than being alone.

i also find myself itching for the phone, dialing a forbidden number, and to run back to what was. but freedom has its price. and the price was losing me.

i took out the shoes of the two imagined kids, "Dante and Marissa". not even them could save me now. i had to apologize to the both of them because the dream was over. they were never meant to be reality. "mommy won't be home tonight... and neither will daddy. i'm sorry."

i don't want to be angry anymore, but i sometimes can't help it. i repeatedly ask myself what i have done to truly deserve this. have i not been able to redeem myself all these while?

questions after questions remain, and i can't seem to silence my uneasy soul. mending a heart never took so much toil, but at the same time i'm hopeful for a new beginning. i have faith, i just find it hard to show it.

how much do i really want to move on is still in question... but i really don't have any other choice.

besides, there are other things that are worthier to worry about.

Father, to you i commend my spirit...

Been Reading

So I'm thinking about "crossing over to the dark side". I've been reading up a lot about it. Forums after forums, articles after articles... I even got websites disputing other websites about their legitimacy. I probably have spent about 4 to 5 hours just reading up on it today. Is it worth it?

Will wait another year to find out. I need to do more research on it. As for now, I stay put.

Father's Day

I can't wait to be a father. And I hope to be a good one someday. I realized that I'm a "family-guy".

I can't help but think that everything I've gone through with you has gone to a waste. 3 and a half years of nothingness. It didn't go anywhere. It's okay though. You're free now. That's all that matters. You're happy, and I can tell. It's quite unfair. But what can I do? I fell for you in the first place. In the end, I'm the fool. If this is who you really are, then I hope you can find one good suitor out there that can appreciate your troubles with commitment. I just wonder why you tried to commit to me in the first place when you're just going to end everything because you love your freedom more than you love me.

Restricted? I'm so far away from you... I can only imagine how you'll feel if I'm there. It's just impossible. It'll never work.

The problem is... I'm so bitter towards you now. And it'll be a long time before I get a chance to actually heal.

This is worse than cheating on me. And you'll never understand how much you're hurting me.

Like it was in the past, so it is now (again)... "I'm just a path. not the person."

*****

I'm getting back into illusions. I really like tricks. Especially those where I can just borrow a person's ring, coin, scarf, necklace etc. And I love the new dice tricks that I've learned from Robert! Gosh... such a great guy. The first time I met him years ago, he was already showing off his magic tricks to me. haha

I'm glad that I have this job at the union. I'll be going nuts if I didn't have anything to do this summer. A particular someone just stopped caring. Oh well.

But anyway... as unfair as it feels, I'm going to be on the move. I just have to keep moving. Oh well. No point in crying anymore, even though sometimes I can't help it. No one is ever going to catch my tears anyway. Besides, I'm the only one crying. Tells me all the more that she's not worth it. If she can't sympathize with me, then all the more it makes me realize that this whole escapade is for the better of you (and you alone).

How selfish.

OH WELL.

The Path, Never The Man

for once, I am actually wishing that there is something nice/happy to blog about. every time I blog, it seems that my heart is aching etc. I hate it. I want to be happy. I just don't know how.

it really hurts though. you made the right decision for you. I'm the only one hurting, and you are up and about living the life... being happy. I wish I could be the same. it is just too unfair. 

my words... and actions... don't mean anything anymore. sigh.

*****

had the strangest series of dreams last night. I don't know what to make of it yet. But rest assured little girl (whoever you were), I'm always going to take care of you. thank you for holding onto my finger tightly as we walked through those places together. I hope you'll take care now...

*****

I don't know how much you are "growing" with all the fun that is surrounding you.

you're full of lame excuses. you just wanted to do whatever you wanted to.

How much growth can you make with the kind of lifestyle that you're having?

Give me a break. you liar.

you broke up with me for this? I see how it is.

*****

So many young adults nowadays are suffering. During the intense interviews, there have been interviewee after interviewee that has wept in front of us. their stories horrify me, and I'm not sure if it is pity or responsible concern that I feel towards them...

1) a young adult male who came from Bosnia escaped with his family to the USA because of civil wars over there. his mom survived 2 wars, and on the second war... she got shot on the leg. fortunately, she survived.

2) a young adult male was walking with what he thought was a friend he could trust. out of nowhere, gunshots were being fired towards them. little did he know that his so-called-friend was the one being gunned down. it was just unfortunate that he was at the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong company.

3) a young adult female was on her way home to school, and she was assaulted, and raped. she claims that the suspect did not understand English and this made her situation even worse. traumatized, she still finds it difficult to trust people.

4) a young adult male's brother meant everything to him. but his brother died last year. his brother was shot. suffering from mild depression, he wishes to be part of the Youth Brigade to get out of his turmoil.

5) a young adult male who has autism is trying to make a path for himself as he hoped to be part of the Youth Brigade. he wanted the opportunity to be great, like his father.

I hope the brigade could accommodate to everyone. the sad truth is, out of the 150 applicants, we can only choose 25. Good luck everyone.

*****

how much growth can you make if you do not hear stories as such? how much growth can you make if you do not take time to reflect? how much growth can you make if you do not pray? how much growth can you make if you do not seek for maturity at the right places?

how much growth can you make if you keep rejecting me?