Someone Like You

I had a nightmare the other night.

A few years ago, I would have not thought of such a dream as a bad one. But now, even thinking about it sends chills down my spine. Not the good kind of chills, but the frightening type. And try topping that off with a kind of anxiety where you feel like someone evil is trying to hurt you.

You see, I once knew a girl who I thought was going to be my wife. She turned out to be someone else. As a matter of a fact, she was never the person I thought she was. And yes, I take full responsibility for the made up fairytale that was once in my head. More devastating was the fact that I continuously played out this fantasy because of the encouragement that distance brought between us. The relationship was wrong in many various levels. It is what it is... and it was what it was.

Ultimately, she triggered a lot of negativity within me. I fell trap to my own demise, and she didn't help in letting me understand what I truly needed to ensure victory in my personal turmoils. To be fair, I didn't understand her either.

And to be precise, she only brought either pain or pleasure.

I missed the part where I was suppose to learn what love truly was, because in the end... she left me for another. And her reasons? Well, who knows. It never made sense to begin with.

So about that nightmare. Basically, I dreamed that I was put into a position where I needed to take this girl back into my life. Not just take her back as a friend, but as a lover. I freaked. I didn't want her back, but under the dream's circumstances, I was being forced to take her back. All the negativity and unhappiness started pouring into my mind. I fought hard to control my feelings because I knew that it would spell a disaster for my well-being if this girl was back in my life as a lover.

Luckily, I woke up. And right beside me was my beautiful wife. My best friend. The person who helped me understand that true love exists. The person who brings me joy. As she slept peacefully, I slowly laid my shoulder on her hand. And even though she was asleep, she started caressing me. It was like as if she knew I needed to be comforted in the wake of a terrible dream. :)

I've said this before, and I'll say it again... I'm glad that that part of my life is over with. And I'm glad that I was given the opportunity to walk away just in time, before my own manhood was to be thrown out from the face of the Earth. I thank God for bringing me through those experiences, because it is now a reminder of what unhappiness is, and that I can constantly remind myself of how wonderful my relationship is now.

As for that other girl, the embedded video below is her "swan song".

Aftermath

The wedding was awesome. The honeymoon was awesome. Everything was awesome. Thank you to all the people who made our wedding day as beautiful as possible. You guys are all awesome.

Quebec (Canada) was awesome too. And Caroline and I are sure to go back there to explore more. I'm also looking forward to traveling to Europe. Since I am now an American Citizen, I am not required to have a visa to enter most European countries. How exciting. :)

Yet another new chapter in my life begins. :)

*****
Things have changed so much since "Yesterday". Seems like a lot of experiences I had when I was younger makes sense only in the light of today. And even with that said, I'm still making sense of a lot of things. At the end of the day, the leap that I had to make from a nervous little boy into a more sensible man was something that I would have never thought of if my experiences were made on a different path. Basically, to discover my own potential, and develop a sense of control over my state of mind is a "present" that I'd like to open, re-open, get excited about, and use, re-use, all the time.

It's like Christmas. But you get a gift that you can use over and over again, not only to help yourself, but others as well.

A few years ago, there were days where I would wake up in shear anxiety. It was not pleasant. I wanted my mornings to start off positively. But somehow, I would let myself drown in made up negativity. This stifled me. I did not possess a useful tool or skill to help me cope.

There was, however, prayer. That made a lot of things easier to bear. But chances were, I would end up drowning still.

All started to change when I met Paul. He was my psychotherapist. Yes, that's right, I had a problem and I wanted help - so I set forth to get some help. Like Frederick Douglass said, "I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs." It was the quote that inspired me to get off my knees and actually do something about my problems. Praying about it is only the beginning. Actual help starts when you use what God made available to you, which are RESOURCES. He opens the doors, but you need to decide to enter through those doors. So, get off your knees and walk to that door.

Only after several sessions did I discover my potential as a human being. I realized my worth as an individual. I also developed tools and skills to help me cope with anxiety.

God answered my prayers, but I suppose that He wanted to find out how much I really wanted His help. It's a good thing that I showed him by being proactive. If there was one thing I could change, it would have been the time it took for me to realize that I could have been proactive sooner. In the end though, I say it's still better to be late than never.

So do I still get my panic attacks? Yes. But with the new tools and skills I have acquired, they come rarely. And I mean once-in-a-blue-moon-rarely. I can't even remember the last time I had one.

This sense of awareness of one's self is amazing. It enabled me to wake up every morning free of anxiety. I am stifled no more!

I was once asked to wait in the sidelines, to ponder about staying faithful to someone who was going to hurt you by being with someone else... I realize now that that was utter crap. No one deserves that kind of beating. I'm glad I walked away just in time.

Renewing my journey led me to a new beginning. A better story. A better tomorrow. But above all, a better today.

Here's to life... Cheers!

For Whom The Bell Tolls

Nope. Not the book.

Getting married tomorrow. :)

Happiness.

Engagement Photos

I'm getting married in less than a month!!! :D

And here are some of our engagement photos. Courtesy of Sonia! (Click on them for Full View)

My New Build (PC)

After more than 5 years of service, I've finally decided to give my MacBook a rest. It is now a secondary "work station", as I have put together a new PC. Yes folks, I'm back to using Windows.

Why didn't I just get a new Mac? Simple... it's because I miss handling computer hardware as much as I want to figure out it's software. And PCs give me more freedom to do that. So I decided to build a computer instead of buying a new Mac.

Here are the parts:
- Tower: Antec, Three Hundred Illusion, 4 fans (2 intake, 2 exhaust)
- PSU: Xigmatek, ACXTNRP-PC402, 80 Plus BRONZE certified, 400W (Max)
- Motherboard: Intel, DH67CL, w/ B3 stepping
- CPU: Intel, I3-2105, Dual-core, 3.1 GHz, w/ Intel 3000
- RAM: Crucial, CT2KIT51264BA1339, DDR3 1333 (PC3 10600), 8GB
- HDD: SAMSUNG, HD103SJ, Spinpoint F3, 1TB
- CD/DVD Burner: ASUS, DRW-24B1ST/BLK/B/AS
- LCD Screen: Acer, S201HLbd (ET.DS1HP.001), DVI, Wide screen, 20"
- Mouse/Keyboard: Microsoft, 5MH-00001

No speakers yet. Waiting on Logitech's Z-5500, 5.1 system. After I get that, I'll use my Logitech Z-2300 for the new computer, and hook up the new Z-5500 to my TV. It's going to kick ass!

I installed Windows 7, 64-bit version in the system. It took less than 5 minutes. However, updating the OS, and the drivers took about an hour and 20 minutes altogether. Still not bad!

I'm using Intel's integrated graphics through the CPU instead of a dedicated card. At least for now. Will upgrade later (if needed). Caroline and I don't play games on the computer, so this build is more than sufficient for the work the both us do.

I'm happy with this build. Still playing around with it. Trying to get acquainted with Windows 7. It's a decent OS. Apple still makes better Operating Systems, so I'm stuck with Microsoft's "best" (for now). But that's the price I have to pay if I want to mess around with hardware.

Overall, I'm really pleased with how smooth everything went. (:

School's Almost Out

In 2 weeks, I'm going to be done with my first year of teaching. The little scholars never fail to remind me why I got into teaching in the first place. There's something wonderful about a person's face when their minds are being opened up as learning takes place... especially when the subject is Music. It's just wonderful. The kids get it. They can't hide their excitement like adults can. They just get it... they just do.

A few years ago, I wouldn't have thought that I would be going through cancer. It was definitely no laughing matter when I was diagnosed with Lymphoma. Although, I can say (at least for now) that I have the last laugh. The support that I received from a lot of people was really comforting, especially from my family and Caroline.

Now that I look back (even though it was only a couple of months ago), I can't imagine going through a disease as such without someone being beside me. The fact that Caroline was physically present to hold my hand and give me encouragement as I woke up everyday gave me the fighting will to keep on working and living. If she had gone to Illinois University for her Masters, I would have been stranded by myself facing an illness that is not as easy a task to be cured from. Even though she says that if she had gone, she would hold school off just to be with me. But the reality is, she never went. She stayed at Eastman. And it was a blessing in disguise, nonetheless.

I remember our Pre-Cana. We were a "mess". Tears were flowing down our cheeks as we read our assignment to each other, which was to write a love letter to our future spouse. I only have one word for that assignment - AWESOME. Both Caroline and I never knew how to start that love letter, and to be frank, we both started in a very different direction. She started off her letter without addressing the cancer-issue because she thought that our lives at that point in time was so focused on the illness. On the other hand, I started out with how I was already infatuated with her since my freshman year of college (I just never did anything about it). But as we read what we wrote for each other, truths came flying out that reached the deepest depths of our hearts. (Sorry... I sound sappy, but the occasion was just so moving).

We decided to keep those letters. It'll help us whenever we need a reminder of the love that we share with each other. It'll be nice to show our kids too.

In other news: I recently just installed my first mod! A K&N intake for my Chevy Cobalt. Adds about 4-6 hp, and increases torque by 5-7 lbs. Not bad! Took the silencer out as well, and I think my engine just breathes way easier than it did before.

My parts for a new PC build is also here! Going to work on it during the weekend. I hope it goes smoothly. Even though it usually does not. There's always something missing, and some parts could be DOA, or it could break on me after a couple of months. But regardless of the anxiety, I'm still looking forward to this build. I haven't built a PC in years, ever since I switched to a Mac! But it'll be fun. (:

Soccer

Soccer is so much fun. Haven't played competitively in a while. I always miss the lads back in my 4 years of college at Eastman. But now I'm playing with the teachers at my workplace. It's really awesome to see us bond and play our hearts out.

I have a bruised finger, because the ball jammed it - playing goalie as usual. Caroline was there to watch the game, which put extra pressure on me to make better saves. haha

So I'm done with a personal tug-of-war between getting a new car and sticking with the one I have. Best to stick with the one I have and buy a cheaper, second hand minivan (to transform it into Caroline's harp mobile). That will save us more money.

Which means, I'm back to square one with my '05 Chevy Cobalt. Mods by the end of May; a present to myself. (:

Can't wait for the wedding! Almost done with the planning. I can't believe Caroline and I are planning this whole event by ourselves. Stressful, but worth it in the end. (:

An Open Heart

There was a time when I didn't know how to listen. And to be honest, I still struggle to maintain a listening ear every now and then. My brain still rushes through explicit ideas instead of just having to lay down my defenses and expect nothing, in order to truly hear what another person has to say.

But something magical always seem to happen when I listen successfully... I get filled with a sense of wholeness as my heart opens.

I think an open heart starts with a listening ear.

It is truly great when Caroline and I can talk about how we truly feel about situations and interactions between us. It shows honesty, respect and openness.

I love her. (:

Life As I Knew It

When I was younger, I thought that the skies were blue because of some magical reason that could never be understood, and that the clouds only seem to pollute the scenery. And I always thought that dogs and cats are secretly able to speak our languages, gossiping about us whenever we sleep at night. I was also convinced that a fly could rise up from the grave after having been swatted, somehow rejuvenating itself even with it's guts spilled out.

I would like to think that my mind is still as imaginative and limitless, not bound by the laws that govern our physical world. But somehow, I know that I've caged my thinking a whole lot more than I used to. And I find it hard to let my imagination fly whenever I get an opportunity to use it.

Don't get me wrong. I love physics. I just can't seem to undo what I've learned, and hope to be a little bit more creative outside the compounds of theories and laws that are supposedly scientific.

I need imagination and creativity to start my business. Wait... What?

Ah, how wonderful the human mind works, as the truth expresses itself after a long time of serving the monstrous 88-key, and setting myself up for educating and being educated, that in the midst of all the various journeys, I end up yearning to achieve more through another means of skill and mastery.

Now questions race back and forth...

What makes a successful business?

How do you start one?

What does it take to maintain one?

Am I for real?

Seriously, why can't I just be content?

Cancer-Free

I am so grateful for all the thoughts, prayers, and well-wishes that came my way. Everyone's support gave me a little more fighting-will. (:

I can now say that I am a cancer survivor.

There were days where I didn't feel strong enough, but my will was lifted by the people around me! I can't believe that I went through this. Looking back, it feels like only yesterday that I was diagnosed with T-cell Lymphoma. And looking back, I feel like it was only yesterday that I had my last chemo-session and walked out of the treatment center with my chin up ready to proclaim my success over this disease.

The feeling cannot be described any other way but just pure joy. And to put an icing on the top of this cake, I saw my Dad cry - for the first time. He hugged me like as if I was just born. I cannot describe this feeling. I'm just... elated right now.

I have a new motto in life... if your life is on the line, GET A GRIP. Fight the good fight, and don't give in until it's truly over.

As cheesy as it may sound, I still remember wise words from an old friend of mine, "it always has a happy ending. If it's not happy, then it's not the end."

I'm so proud of Caroline and I. We went through it together, hands held, side by side like as if we were together for more than 50 years. There were moments in time where I thought I would fail to provide for her, and that I would fail to "love" her because of the disease. But at the end of each and every single day, I told myself that no cancer of any kind will ever take me away from her. And true enough, it never did - never will.

This trial has brought about many blessings. Thank you, Lord.

6th Round of Chemo

This was two weeks ago. I'm over the side effects, and it was nice that the treatment session fell on winter break. I didn't have to miss work.

That was supposedly my last chemo session. I'm going for a PET Scan next Monday, and results will be out on the 22nd. I'm hoping, praying, wishing, and keeping my fingers crossed that I'm done with treatment for the results will tell me that I am cancer free.

Say a little prayer for me...

A Reminder To Myself

There are many things that I should be thankful for, and I need a reminder of how beautiful life is despite whatever negativity is going on around me. Not trying to shy away from negativity, because confronting it will eventually be part of my life's journey, but just to nudge myself to keep a positive outlook of my life. With my chin up and a smile on my face, I know that God has been good to me.

Even though I'm fighting cancer, I have been receiving proper treatment for it. I'm struggling with the side effects of chemotherapy, but it's better than having the cancer grow into uncontrollable proportions. The fact that I'm on a road to healing means a lot of me, my fiance, my family and friends. I know this because there are so many people in my life who have showed concern and have showered me with care. These are the true signs of community. The compassion that they can show is amazing. I mean, check it out... some of these people were not even that close to me, but they genuinely reach out. And some of them, I had plenty of "heartbreaks" with, and still genuinely try to encourage me. Life is just full of surprises.

And even though there's a lot of loans to get paid, I am employed full-time. That's a blessing. Especially in the economy that we're in. And I'm teaching music - something that I'm good at. It's better that I learn how to be patient, and know that in time, most of these loans will be paid. Besides, I'm learning a valuable skill of budgeting.

Spiritually, I've always had a quest for the Truth and growing in Faith has never been an easy option. Despite the spiritual struggles, I will not opt out. There are a lot of things that I can't know for sure, but one thing I do know is that I want to believe. My Faith is still something that I can hang on to whenever I really need a breather.

Keeping my head up is not easy, but it is simple to do.

I just have to do it.

5th Round of Chemo

Well, truth be told, it was rough. I had a good record of not vomiting, but it took over me. It's not just a battle of nausea anymore, it's also a battle of trying to keep everything down.

So far, I'm still optimistic about my chances of going through only one more round of chemo. But only time will tell.

Preparing the kids for a little presentation for Black History month. I hope it goes well. Not sure how prepared they will be since we're having all these snow days.

Reserving my strength so I can do some chores at home. :)

4th Round of Chemo

It wasn't so bad this time around either. Just had to be poked once. Although it was a tender spot right under my wrist, at least it went smoothly from start to finish. And so the struggle between side effects are yet again taking a toil on my body.

Caroline and I are doing well with wedding plans. We've made our deposit for our cake, meeting with the photographer on Monday, made an appointment to taste food for our reception, booked our honeymoon... it's all falling into place! I'm excited!

The weather here is way too cold for comfort. The snow is a little punishing, and driving around on it isn't fun either. But at least I have my snow tires on. That's always helpful.

Long weekend, here we come! :)