"Come back to me with all your heart
Don’t let fear keep us apart
Trees do bend though straight and tall
So must we to others call
Long have I waited for
Your coming home to me
And living deeply our new life"
from what i know, these words are from a song. but some people have told me it's from the bible. either way, it strikes me at the heart. may this Christmas bring us closer to our family, and may we remember the that Jesus Christ is the reason for the season!
Merry Christmas to all! and a Happy New Year!
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
a bag of shit.
heard of the book "a child called it"? this is a little version of my story...
the little boy saw the woman flustered. he wondered what he could do to help out in her situation. the boy approached with caution, hoping that his willingness to help would be appreciated. with eagerness he asked, "what seems to be the problem? do you need help?" it took only half a second for the woman to reply but it was something the little person wasn't prepared for.
"it's nothing!"
the boy waited to see if the woman's expression would change. he was hoping that her eyebrows would seperate, and her cheek muscles would relax to produce a smile instead of a frown. it was weird, because there was an awkward silence between the both of them for quite a while. more awkwardly was the fact that the boy was knowledgeable about what the woman was seeking. but she remained stubbornly silent. she would not let the little person lift a finger to aid her.
so once again he tries, "is there anything i can do?"
"it's nothing!" this time around, her face became red with rage. fear ran down the boy's spine. he almost shivered but stood his ground. he wasn't going to be rattled easily. in fact, he too became raged. yet again the boy was shoved aside. his talents were undermined. the woman was so mad. she started cursing at the boy. many a times, she hit the boy's chest causing him immense pain. he started crying profusely. there was no way to stop the pain. the boy already has a weak heart. the woman kept coming at the boy. even though the boy was screaming in pain, with lots of tears rolling from his eyes, the onslaught did not stop. abruptly, she stops everything and tries to leave him alone. as she walked away, he uttered words that drove the woman into a stubborn and immature game of charades. no matter what he did, in her eyes it was wrong. and no matter what he did, in her eyes he was the culprit for all her misery.
just the day before, the boy escaped from death. as he journeyed, a long haul of stress overwhelmed him. he tried seeking comfort in her voice, but none was found. he took time to stay easy. while his eyes were closed, he was all of a sudden thrown off his seat. a car hit a motorcycle in front of his bus. the vehicle drove past the accident scene. there laid the body of a young man, with his arms above his head and the rest of his body contoreted in such a way that only pain could describe. it was still breathing. it was still alive. the boy was thankful it was still alive. and grateful that so was he.
he couldn't find her after his journey. he reached for her but she acted like as if it didn't matter that he was alive. he was raged because he didn't know why the woman acted in such a way. she was just in a state of unreasonable confusion. little did he know that both of them were in the state of unreasonable confusion. in fact, till this very hour, he does not know what went wrong with the woman that night. the same onsalught preceded as he tried to seek comfort from the woman that night. and the same outcome afterwards - loneliness, darkness and no warmth.
he realized that he was being treated like dirt. but he sucked it all up at the end of the day. must have been love.
still in unreasonable retaliation, the woman kept mad at the boy. although the boy has already dropped his defenses, and just let the blows come at him, he was still hoping that none of his dreams would be destroyed. he takes back all he said. and kept apologizing. he prayed hard that his dreams would bloom into fruition instead of withering into thin air. it was hard to see beyond the pain, but he kept trying. he wanted her to be happy.
he just kept sucking it all in. it must have been love.
love? what is love? selfless acts.
she screamed freedom. and retaliated till the boy was used to the idea of her liberty. you'd think it'd be nice to do whatever one wants. but the boy knows better. he knows about consequences. and one is usually never prepared for the consequences that come after his or her doing. the boy knows that we cant just do what we want. it just makes this world a selfish and cruel place. does love exist in such a world? the boy reminds himself that it is all about selfless acts.
the woman might have forgotten that this boy is human too. he has a heart that feels. and he never meant any harm. he never did. he didnt mean for the situations or her misery to elevate. on the contrary, he wanted to help her find peace and happiness. he wanted to help. to help - a selfless act.
he just kept sucking it all in.
it must have been love.
the little boy saw the woman flustered. he wondered what he could do to help out in her situation. the boy approached with caution, hoping that his willingness to help would be appreciated. with eagerness he asked, "what seems to be the problem? do you need help?" it took only half a second for the woman to reply but it was something the little person wasn't prepared for.
"it's nothing!"
the boy waited to see if the woman's expression would change. he was hoping that her eyebrows would seperate, and her cheek muscles would relax to produce a smile instead of a frown. it was weird, because there was an awkward silence between the both of them for quite a while. more awkwardly was the fact that the boy was knowledgeable about what the woman was seeking. but she remained stubbornly silent. she would not let the little person lift a finger to aid her.
so once again he tries, "is there anything i can do?"
"it's nothing!" this time around, her face became red with rage. fear ran down the boy's spine. he almost shivered but stood his ground. he wasn't going to be rattled easily. in fact, he too became raged. yet again the boy was shoved aside. his talents were undermined. the woman was so mad. she started cursing at the boy. many a times, she hit the boy's chest causing him immense pain. he started crying profusely. there was no way to stop the pain. the boy already has a weak heart. the woman kept coming at the boy. even though the boy was screaming in pain, with lots of tears rolling from his eyes, the onslaught did not stop. abruptly, she stops everything and tries to leave him alone. as she walked away, he uttered words that drove the woman into a stubborn and immature game of charades. no matter what he did, in her eyes it was wrong. and no matter what he did, in her eyes he was the culprit for all her misery.
just the day before, the boy escaped from death. as he journeyed, a long haul of stress overwhelmed him. he tried seeking comfort in her voice, but none was found. he took time to stay easy. while his eyes were closed, he was all of a sudden thrown off his seat. a car hit a motorcycle in front of his bus. the vehicle drove past the accident scene. there laid the body of a young man, with his arms above his head and the rest of his body contoreted in such a way that only pain could describe. it was still breathing. it was still alive. the boy was thankful it was still alive. and grateful that so was he.
he couldn't find her after his journey. he reached for her but she acted like as if it didn't matter that he was alive. he was raged because he didn't know why the woman acted in such a way. she was just in a state of unreasonable confusion. little did he know that both of them were in the state of unreasonable confusion. in fact, till this very hour, he does not know what went wrong with the woman that night. the same onsalught preceded as he tried to seek comfort from the woman that night. and the same outcome afterwards - loneliness, darkness and no warmth.
he realized that he was being treated like dirt. but he sucked it all up at the end of the day. must have been love.
still in unreasonable retaliation, the woman kept mad at the boy. although the boy has already dropped his defenses, and just let the blows come at him, he was still hoping that none of his dreams would be destroyed. he takes back all he said. and kept apologizing. he prayed hard that his dreams would bloom into fruition instead of withering into thin air. it was hard to see beyond the pain, but he kept trying. he wanted her to be happy.
he just kept sucking it all in. it must have been love.
love? what is love? selfless acts.
she screamed freedom. and retaliated till the boy was used to the idea of her liberty. you'd think it'd be nice to do whatever one wants. but the boy knows better. he knows about consequences. and one is usually never prepared for the consequences that come after his or her doing. the boy knows that we cant just do what we want. it just makes this world a selfish and cruel place. does love exist in such a world? the boy reminds himself that it is all about selfless acts.
the woman might have forgotten that this boy is human too. he has a heart that feels. and he never meant any harm. he never did. he didnt mean for the situations or her misery to elevate. on the contrary, he wanted to help her find peace and happiness. he wanted to help. to help - a selfless act.
he just kept sucking it all in.
it must have been love.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
ten things i realized.
ten things i realized.
10) my toes are cursed. i dont know about you but i've had some pretty bad experiences with these toes of mine. i always seem to be knocking them unto things - yes, that's called being clumsy... but how about my ingrown toenails eh? hehe. that's just pure bad luck you say? oh yeah. talk about genetical defects huh? ouch. >_<
9) the hair is staying. besides the fact that May wants it to stay, i actually kinda got used to the fact that i have long hair. at first, it was just an experiment. but as it turns out, i actually like it now. a lab experiment gone wrong? nah, you guys are just jealous. hehe. :P
8) i'm a sugar addict. yes! we all have weaknesses. gosh. those honey roasted peanuts taste soooooo good! once i pop one in, i cant seem to stop. ay. and i personally feel that hershey's chocolates are my personal "mask of death". its black, just like "Death's coat"... except that its creamy and sweet too. haha. but ay. and dont even get me started with ice cream! :P
7) when i'm hungry, i'm grumpy. i didnt know i would be. i was just going along with the flow of things till my tummy figured out that its empty - apparently too empty... and my mood began to change. i needed to eat. and if i didnt get the satisfaction of something to fill my craving up with gigantic amounts of delicious food, i turn sour. mmm. maybe its true what they say - "a hungry man is an angry man". haha! when that time comes, i cant wait for my love to fulfill her "prophecies". i wonder what would happen. hehe. :P
6) i'm convinced that my girlfriend is the hottest of them all. need i say more? enough said. she's the hottest. hehe. :P i love you darling! -kiss!
5) no more magic 6? "a boost of ego for me, and a lot more screaming from you". short and sweet, ain't it love? yeah right. its anything but short. LOL! besides, how would i know that you liked the number 7 ever since you were young? must have been fate then! wait. you mean you wished for it? LOOOVVVVVEEEE! :P
4) i'm very picky with shoes. OMG. one of the biggest pain in the neck. i cant find myself nice shoes! i find it irritating myself cause i could go into more than 50 shoe shops and pick no shoe out! i went down the whole stretch of stores in Chinatown over here in Canal street, NY, and picked out none for myself. my gosh. where did i ever get those genes?
3) i actually look good in jeans. i remember my love telling me that i'd look good in jeans. i disagreed. but my mind changed its stand recently. neil never wears jeans. anyone who knows me, knows that i dont like jeans. cargos are my type and i've never worn jeans since like 4 years ago? yes. its been THAT long. but wow. i never thought this day would come. so what's next? imagine the possibilities! endless~ haha! anyway, thanks love! =)
2) i actually like window shopping. i bet my love is soooo happy to see this. haha. days on end love, we'd go days on end without money in our pockets and yet still be able to have fun "shopping". haha! =)
1) you're awesome. we just have too much fun. but i want more. so i wont complain! too much? yeah right! LOL! can't get enough of you! haha! can you get enough of me? :P
10) my toes are cursed. i dont know about you but i've had some pretty bad experiences with these toes of mine. i always seem to be knocking them unto things - yes, that's called being clumsy... but how about my ingrown toenails eh? hehe. that's just pure bad luck you say? oh yeah. talk about genetical defects huh? ouch. >_<
9) the hair is staying. besides the fact that May wants it to stay, i actually kinda got used to the fact that i have long hair. at first, it was just an experiment. but as it turns out, i actually like it now. a lab experiment gone wrong? nah, you guys are just jealous. hehe. :P
8) i'm a sugar addict. yes! we all have weaknesses. gosh. those honey roasted peanuts taste soooooo good! once i pop one in, i cant seem to stop. ay. and i personally feel that hershey's chocolates are my personal "mask of death". its black, just like "Death's coat"... except that its creamy and sweet too. haha. but ay. and dont even get me started with ice cream! :P
7) when i'm hungry, i'm grumpy. i didnt know i would be. i was just going along with the flow of things till my tummy figured out that its empty - apparently too empty... and my mood began to change. i needed to eat. and if i didnt get the satisfaction of something to fill my craving up with gigantic amounts of delicious food, i turn sour. mmm. maybe its true what they say - "a hungry man is an angry man". haha! when that time comes, i cant wait for my love to fulfill her "prophecies". i wonder what would happen. hehe. :P
6) i'm convinced that my girlfriend is the hottest of them all. need i say more? enough said. she's the hottest. hehe. :P i love you darling! -kiss!
5) no more magic 6? "a boost of ego for me, and a lot more screaming from you". short and sweet, ain't it love? yeah right. its anything but short. LOL! besides, how would i know that you liked the number 7 ever since you were young? must have been fate then! wait. you mean you wished for it? LOOOVVVVVEEEE! :P
4) i'm very picky with shoes. OMG. one of the biggest pain in the neck. i cant find myself nice shoes! i find it irritating myself cause i could go into more than 50 shoe shops and pick no shoe out! i went down the whole stretch of stores in Chinatown over here in Canal street, NY, and picked out none for myself. my gosh. where did i ever get those genes?
3) i actually look good in jeans. i remember my love telling me that i'd look good in jeans. i disagreed. but my mind changed its stand recently. neil never wears jeans. anyone who knows me, knows that i dont like jeans. cargos are my type and i've never worn jeans since like 4 years ago? yes. its been THAT long. but wow. i never thought this day would come. so what's next? imagine the possibilities! endless~ haha! anyway, thanks love! =)
2) i actually like window shopping. i bet my love is soooo happy to see this. haha. days on end love, we'd go days on end without money in our pockets and yet still be able to have fun "shopping". haha! =)
1) you're awesome. we just have too much fun. but i want more. so i wont complain! too much? yeah right! LOL! can't get enough of you! haha! can you get enough of me? :P
Saturday, August 12, 2006
guilty.
guilty.
we pay for our own actions. that's how this world works. and that's how i know i'm paying for mine. no matter how much i cry about it, what's done is done. be wise my friends: think before you act. you'll regret a lot of things if you don't. as i am regretting now. i ought to know more things by now.
in the midst of all these guilt, i'm hopeful. i've been praying for forgiveness, and healing. not only for me, but for you and the both of us as well. though i know i'm receiving my punishment, in the back of my head i know that time will heal all things. i just have to be there when its happening. for now, i just have to be convinced that i'm getting what i deserve.
you're awesome. and i am unworthy. this is how much disgust i hold for myself. so much guilt that i become insecure, to the point where i can just think of what i did and start crying.
i feel like i'm on a ship that's about to sink. i know, i know. i shouldnt think about it this way. but whenever i see you, and sense your lack of believe in me - us - i get reminded of everything that has gone wrong. sigh. i dont wish to... but my guilt takes over. and i ask questions. which irritates you.
i guess the worst part of it all is that i'm called to give up dreams (hopes and 'wants' as well) that we both have built. this is really heavy, and definitely not easy for me. but i'm willing to do anything to fix the matter. sigh. you're more important.
i should be happy for not everything is lost. i know, i'm putting on a lot of unecessary burden on myself. sigh. but what am i to do?
i may be dumb... but i'm no fool. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for everything...
we pay for our own actions. that's how this world works. and that's how i know i'm paying for mine. no matter how much i cry about it, what's done is done. be wise my friends: think before you act. you'll regret a lot of things if you don't. as i am regretting now. i ought to know more things by now.
in the midst of all these guilt, i'm hopeful. i've been praying for forgiveness, and healing. not only for me, but for you and the both of us as well. though i know i'm receiving my punishment, in the back of my head i know that time will heal all things. i just have to be there when its happening. for now, i just have to be convinced that i'm getting what i deserve.
you're awesome. and i am unworthy. this is how much disgust i hold for myself. so much guilt that i become insecure, to the point where i can just think of what i did and start crying.
i feel like i'm on a ship that's about to sink. i know, i know. i shouldnt think about it this way. but whenever i see you, and sense your lack of believe in me - us - i get reminded of everything that has gone wrong. sigh. i dont wish to... but my guilt takes over. and i ask questions. which irritates you.
i guess the worst part of it all is that i'm called to give up dreams (hopes and 'wants' as well) that we both have built. this is really heavy, and definitely not easy for me. but i'm willing to do anything to fix the matter. sigh. you're more important.
i should be happy for not everything is lost. i know, i'm putting on a lot of unecessary burden on myself. sigh. but what am i to do?
i may be dumb... but i'm no fool. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for everything...
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
20th
20th
"baby, is okay. i'm here."
"baby, take my hand when you're in pain. squeeze it if you must."
"baby, i'll always be here."
"baby, shhhhh. don't be silly. i'm here for you."
"baby, i'm here. sayang your back."
"baby, its okay now. your love is here."
i'll always be around for you, love. truthfully speaking, as the time passes, i feel you getting closer and closer to me. i can't wait really. but at the same time, i'm being patient. weird, but true. and i bet it goes for you too. =)
recently, i've been able to show you how something so small can grow so big. and as you put it, "flexible". haha. it's just so funny how we can humor about such things. and its also great how we can relate to each other in different ways that only we can understand.
indeed, 20 years from now, when we look back in our lives, these past few months would be the highlight of our journey. i know that there'll be more to come... but this test of distance made us closer. hear that? "the test of DISTANCE, made us CLOSER." that's something to smile about, yes? =)
thank God for another month. and thank you.
you'll always be the most beautiful person i've ever known. =)
i love you, May.
"baby, is okay. i'm here."
"baby, take my hand when you're in pain. squeeze it if you must."
"baby, i'll always be here."
"baby, shhhhh. don't be silly. i'm here for you."
"baby, i'm here. sayang your back."
"baby, its okay now. your love is here."
i'll always be around for you, love. truthfully speaking, as the time passes, i feel you getting closer and closer to me. i can't wait really. but at the same time, i'm being patient. weird, but true. and i bet it goes for you too. =)
recently, i've been able to show you how something so small can grow so big. and as you put it, "flexible". haha. it's just so funny how we can humor about such things. and its also great how we can relate to each other in different ways that only we can understand.
indeed, 20 years from now, when we look back in our lives, these past few months would be the highlight of our journey. i know that there'll be more to come... but this test of distance made us closer. hear that? "the test of DISTANCE, made us CLOSER." that's something to smile about, yes? =)
thank God for another month. and thank you.
you'll always be the most beautiful person i've ever known. =)
i love you, May.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Saturday, July 22, 2006
have you ever known anyone so well that you've seen all sides to him or her?
if i asked you, "do you know me enough to judge me?" - what would your answer be?
you know what's weird? i always tell people, "i'd rather you hate me for who i am, than love me for what i'm not"... but i have difficulty in applying this philosophy to some other person than myself. i always have a certain perspective of how things should be. and i've lost my awareness to the fact that my so called open mind isn't so open anymore. and not to mention, but my so called open heart isn't so open anymore either.
i find it so hard to trust people now. maybe because i'm still struggling to learn how to trust myself. i'm still learning how to let go of so many damn things that have happened in the past that still come to haunt me from time to time.
and i believe that the worst part of it all, is that i have this confidence in me to think that i'm right in most situations. its not that i dont admit to my mistakes, i actually almost always do... but i still carry on babbling about how things should be rather than take it all in the way it is. and its really hurting a lot of people.
if there was really one thing that i could change about myself... it'll just be the way i open my mind and heart to life again. and truthfully speaking, a lot of people tell me that my religion has held me back... but seriously, no one holds me back except myself. doesn't that go for most of us? hehe. Anyway, God made us all equal didn't he? He loves EVERYONE. no exceptions. we're all His creation, yeah? He sees us all as His children, right? so what gives me the right to judge?
besides, i don't think i know anyone enough to truly say what they are. what would i know anyway? it's insignificant to them. it should be. it's their life, not mine.
***
something old comes up to haunt us every now and then... but keep up with faith my friend. and no matter what, i'll be here by your side. i promise. whatever it takes, i swear i'll go through it with you.
if i asked you, "do you know me enough to judge me?" - what would your answer be?
you know what's weird? i always tell people, "i'd rather you hate me for who i am, than love me for what i'm not"... but i have difficulty in applying this philosophy to some other person than myself. i always have a certain perspective of how things should be. and i've lost my awareness to the fact that my so called open mind isn't so open anymore. and not to mention, but my so called open heart isn't so open anymore either.
i find it so hard to trust people now. maybe because i'm still struggling to learn how to trust myself. i'm still learning how to let go of so many damn things that have happened in the past that still come to haunt me from time to time.
and i believe that the worst part of it all, is that i have this confidence in me to think that i'm right in most situations. its not that i dont admit to my mistakes, i actually almost always do... but i still carry on babbling about how things should be rather than take it all in the way it is. and its really hurting a lot of people.
if there was really one thing that i could change about myself... it'll just be the way i open my mind and heart to life again. and truthfully speaking, a lot of people tell me that my religion has held me back... but seriously, no one holds me back except myself. doesn't that go for most of us? hehe. Anyway, God made us all equal didn't he? He loves EVERYONE. no exceptions. we're all His creation, yeah? He sees us all as His children, right? so what gives me the right to judge?
besides, i don't think i know anyone enough to truly say what they are. what would i know anyway? it's insignificant to them. it should be. it's their life, not mine.
***
something old comes up to haunt us every now and then... but keep up with faith my friend. and no matter what, i'll be here by your side. i promise. whatever it takes, i swear i'll go through it with you.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
the 19th.
the 19th.
"baby girl" - that sounds soooooo mushy when stated in a certain way. but thats how i suck up to you. haha. oh crap. i told you the secret. please let it work on you still? lol. then again i've got other names such as... little princess, angel, my love, my dearest... want me to keep going? hehe.
so its a fact - i'm crazy about you. and its obvious because you know i think you're perfect. don't be sad now. lol. nothing's gona change my mind about it. you know how much i adore you. maybe i adore you so much so that its becoming a sin. haha. God's jealous. hehe.
this rare condition of a muscle of the heart inflamming causing a ventricle to fail, brought complications to us. but you cared. such care and concern was never showered upon me. its hard at times, and i know how much you want to break free from such agony. i wish things were different when it comes to this sickening state of being. but someday, i'll be free from it. i promise. someday, we'll be free from it. i guarantee. -smile-
sometimes we find it so hard to communicate. but we still do eventually. and i truly appreciate how much you've opened up... i know its not easy for you. but i'm here. and always will be. so take your time. i do pray that i've been patient enough. at times i blow my top off too, i'm sorry. i get carried away in the situation too...
we laugh about so many things together. some of the jokes are just not for blogging. haha. but we both know how much fun we can have. from the little things to the big things. hehe. or from the little things that grow big. lol. or even the big things that become small. lol.
Marissa and Dante would be so lucky. their mother's perfect. haha. no kids that are hyper? oops. sorry love, you could pretty much assume that your kids will be like that... -points to my face- eh, wait! -give you puppy eyes- hehe.
i'm content. life's complete with you. and that's what matters. you truly are my everything. it's no wonder why God got me to know you in this manner. our time will come. onward to forever. i love you. HAPPY 19TH MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!!
"baby girl" - that sounds soooooo mushy when stated in a certain way. but thats how i suck up to you. haha. oh crap. i told you the secret. please let it work on you still? lol. then again i've got other names such as... little princess, angel, my love, my dearest... want me to keep going? hehe.
so its a fact - i'm crazy about you. and its obvious because you know i think you're perfect. don't be sad now. lol. nothing's gona change my mind about it. you know how much i adore you. maybe i adore you so much so that its becoming a sin. haha. God's jealous. hehe.
this rare condition of a muscle of the heart inflamming causing a ventricle to fail, brought complications to us. but you cared. such care and concern was never showered upon me. its hard at times, and i know how much you want to break free from such agony. i wish things were different when it comes to this sickening state of being. but someday, i'll be free from it. i promise. someday, we'll be free from it. i guarantee. -smile-
sometimes we find it so hard to communicate. but we still do eventually. and i truly appreciate how much you've opened up... i know its not easy for you. but i'm here. and always will be. so take your time. i do pray that i've been patient enough. at times i blow my top off too, i'm sorry. i get carried away in the situation too...
we laugh about so many things together. some of the jokes are just not for blogging. haha. but we both know how much fun we can have. from the little things to the big things. hehe. or from the little things that grow big. lol. or even the big things that become small. lol.
Marissa and Dante would be so lucky. their mother's perfect. haha. no kids that are hyper? oops. sorry love, you could pretty much assume that your kids will be like that... -points to my face- eh, wait! -give you puppy eyes- hehe.
i'm content. life's complete with you. and that's what matters. you truly are my everything. it's no wonder why God got me to know you in this manner. our time will come. onward to forever. i love you. HAPPY 19TH MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!!
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
change.
change.
change is the only constant thing. and i find myself adapting to something new all the time. i dont know how easy it is for you, but its pretty tough for me. its fun in its own way, but it gets tiring at times. but over all, its worth it.
i've spent many hours thinking about you. cant really seem to get you off my mind. you flood even my prayers. haha. i pray that as the days pass by, we'll be brought closer to each other. i seriously am lost on what your plans are to pull this one off... and everytime i speak and console you about it, you just seem to blow. could be a variety of reasons. one being trust. but i hope you dont take it personally everytime i ask, because i'm not trying to offend. i'm trying to understand. that's all. being impatient comes later. and that's a weakness i need to fight. i'm sorry for showing so much weakness. i didn't mean to hurt you with anything i said.
i'm just counting days now, really. i just cant wait for that day to arrive where i'll be so excited i could pee in my pants. i've been thinking about it the whole day. the times we'd spend together, and everything.
anyway, i love you too baby.
change is the only constant thing. and i find myself adapting to something new all the time. i dont know how easy it is for you, but its pretty tough for me. its fun in its own way, but it gets tiring at times. but over all, its worth it.
i've spent many hours thinking about you. cant really seem to get you off my mind. you flood even my prayers. haha. i pray that as the days pass by, we'll be brought closer to each other. i seriously am lost on what your plans are to pull this one off... and everytime i speak and console you about it, you just seem to blow. could be a variety of reasons. one being trust. but i hope you dont take it personally everytime i ask, because i'm not trying to offend. i'm trying to understand. that's all. being impatient comes later. and that's a weakness i need to fight. i'm sorry for showing so much weakness. i didn't mean to hurt you with anything i said.
i'm just counting days now, really. i just cant wait for that day to arrive where i'll be so excited i could pee in my pants. i've been thinking about it the whole day. the times we'd spend together, and everything.
anyway, i love you too baby.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
the 18th.
the 18th.
so i'm 20. haaaaaaa. it's kinda crappy cause here in NY, you're only "legal" when you're 21. and gosh, i'm not a teen anymore. i'm stuck in the middle guys. wah. help? haha.
it's weird cause this time around, i actually wanted a lot of things for my birthday. well, mostly money. but its okay. i didn't really receive any. hahaha. but it's all good! there were better gifts that came along the way.
there were a lot of things that had happened. i've learned a great deal during my 19th year in life. hehe. a lot of "growing up" done. yeah, "look, neil's 20." lot's of growing up indeed. -rolls eyes- haha. but with all seriousness, it's not that bad. i celebrated my 18th month of being with the most wonderful girl in the universe the next day after my birthday. that's a gift right there. i'm really thankful for all that we've gone through. and truely grateful for all that you've showed me to educate me as to who you really are. i've learned that love can win all bounderies because of you.
that night, i was tired and aggravated. i didn't know how to control myself, and it just exploded. i didn't mean to make you worry. i was seriously trying to control myself. but i failed. i'm sorry. but regardless of what happened that night, i'm still here. and i still love you with all my heart. a lot of people say i pamper you too much. haha. i don't care. i believe in karma. hehe. but yeah, i've seen you at your worst, but i've also seen you at your best. and in a similar fashsion, you've seen me at my worst and best too. but no matter what happens, you'll always be my love.
of all the gifts that i could have received on my birthday, none was more joyous than receiving greetings from my relatives, celebrating my 18th month anniversary with May Yuzaw, turning 20 (yeah right~), and above all... having my love back home safely.
so love, the next time you fly, it'll be into my arms, right? -smile-
so i'm 20. haaaaaaa. it's kinda crappy cause here in NY, you're only "legal" when you're 21. and gosh, i'm not a teen anymore. i'm stuck in the middle guys. wah. help? haha.
it's weird cause this time around, i actually wanted a lot of things for my birthday. well, mostly money. but its okay. i didn't really receive any. hahaha. but it's all good! there were better gifts that came along the way.
there were a lot of things that had happened. i've learned a great deal during my 19th year in life. hehe. a lot of "growing up" done. yeah, "look, neil's 20." lot's of growing up indeed. -rolls eyes- haha. but with all seriousness, it's not that bad. i celebrated my 18th month of being with the most wonderful girl in the universe the next day after my birthday. that's a gift right there. i'm really thankful for all that we've gone through. and truely grateful for all that you've showed me to educate me as to who you really are. i've learned that love can win all bounderies because of you.
that night, i was tired and aggravated. i didn't know how to control myself, and it just exploded. i didn't mean to make you worry. i was seriously trying to control myself. but i failed. i'm sorry. but regardless of what happened that night, i'm still here. and i still love you with all my heart. a lot of people say i pamper you too much. haha. i don't care. i believe in karma. hehe. but yeah, i've seen you at your worst, but i've also seen you at your best. and in a similar fashsion, you've seen me at my worst and best too. but no matter what happens, you'll always be my love.
of all the gifts that i could have received on my birthday, none was more joyous than receiving greetings from my relatives, celebrating my 18th month anniversary with May Yuzaw, turning 20 (yeah right~), and above all... having my love back home safely.
so love, the next time you fly, it'll be into my arms, right? -smile-
Monday, May 15, 2006
oh please.
oh please.
i'm a thinking being.
why blame it all on her? oh please. had enough of your cries today. it's all the same. you, him, and the rest of the so called matured people - all trying to judge and never acting on their own preaching. just like the case with my sister. trying hard to understand? but not let go? what irony. you gave a so-called fair opportunity, but every other thing that he did became an opportunity to find fault with my sister? my sister? my sister doing bad things? oh please! why would she? and where would have she picked those "bad things" up? oh please. reflect. reflect not on our doing, but what environment we have been nutured under. and when another gets mad in the house - its not okay, but when you blow up - its okay? i'm human too for crying out loud. dependant? hell no. you want me to depend on you more like it. i'm 20 and i'm still wearing diapers? bah.
i already said its my fault. i'm taking the blame for MY actions. no one else is at fault except me. geez. its not like i got her pregnant. its not like i killed her. its not like i've been selling my body. its just a freaking bill - not a death sentence. bah. it CAN be fixed.
my money is going to a waste? hold on. the point is, it's MY money. even that, i cant have control of? geez.
you talk about hardship, so what? everyone's got something up their's. its all the same.
how can you say that it'll never be accepted? so now it's forbidden? bah. try and stop me. oh well.
the many times that you've caught me in a "bad mood", are you even sure i was in a bad mood? i'm seldom in a bad mood. most of the times thinking, but rarely bearing a grudge. it's when people piss me off that i give back an attitude. everyone close to me knows that. and shouldn't you? i was calm. real calm. but you had to blow my top off. there are days where i would be praying with her, and you'd take it like as if i just came back from hell. but in truth, i was praying with her. we were talking to God. is that so bad? why? dont you talk to God with your husband? defending her? bah. i'm defending myself. its not about her, it was about me. it was about my choices, my desicions, and my actions. i take responsibility in such actions. i'm no baby who'd just cry, say nothing and run away. i'll stand up for myself. expect that. it's not disrespect. you took it as if it was. it's called standing up for oneself - welcome to the 21st century.
its not that i can live on my own, but damn, what do you want me to do? the way you find fault in every relationship that comes along the ways of your children is just uncanny. if there was an award for such things, you'd get it. like seriously, so what's your point? you want me to live on my own? sure. i'd do it if i have to. you suddenly got angry, hating another person's guts for your own son's actions? wtf?
you are obliged to him? oh please. save the crocodile tears. i'm not married to her? so what? i love her. isn't that what really matters? so you mean to say that if you weren't "married", you wouldn't be obliged? wtf? marriage was the contract? not love? wtf?! I LOVE HER! and that's why i don't feel obliged. besides, even if i was defending her, i bet you'd defend your husband in the same way too, wouldn't you? boo yah! right back at you~
oh please. i'm not letting her go. it'll take more than just a stupid bill. i already admitted my mistake, even said i'm sorry. i took down my pride. i even dared you to take a close look at the next one. geez. talk about being unreasonable.
and so i say that i have problems too, but look at my role models. talk about perfection? i see none. so dont expect anything like that from me. you want me to learn? well then, why cant my experiences be a learning process for me to be stronger? why can't my relationship be a stepping stone to a better me? why does it seem like you struggle for me in my relationship? you care? or you just really don't want to let go? we all go through problems, dont we? so you notice the really "bad days" but never notice the really good ones? wtf? so what's that suppose to mean? i'm suppose to back away from a fight? that's not how you taught me. that's not how i was raised.
in all respects, i'm just like you.
all problems i see in the world and in myself are related to YOU, not to her. you are the root of what my natural reactions to life are. dont go blaming someone else for it. you were there ever since day one. you should know better. i'm a direct reflection of you. so dont come crying to me telling me how much fault you've found in me and my life. I AM YOUR LIFE.
i'm grateful. but i'm not a pushover. not even her can do that. none of you can. no matter how much you love me, or no matter how much i love you, none of you can push me around just like that. i'd fight. and you know it.
i hit myself? i always do. you say you become mad? well you already were. and you do the same things whenever you argue passionately with anyone here at home. so save the tears because like i said, i'm a carbon copy.
geez. wind, blow it over.
no gift? haaa. we all pitched in. so why cant you say that to my sister, or brother? we ALL pitched in. bah. no gift? going up to Carnegie Hall for you guys wasn't a gift? so whats that then? you're not proud of me? then wtf? i went up there feeling proud to be one of yours, but hell - i didn't even get any sort of affirmation from none of you. geez. so that's suppose to make me happy?
for heaven's sake, know what you want.
then talk to me.
i'm a thinking being.
why blame it all on her? oh please. had enough of your cries today. it's all the same. you, him, and the rest of the so called matured people - all trying to judge and never acting on their own preaching. just like the case with my sister. trying hard to understand? but not let go? what irony. you gave a so-called fair opportunity, but every other thing that he did became an opportunity to find fault with my sister? my sister? my sister doing bad things? oh please! why would she? and where would have she picked those "bad things" up? oh please. reflect. reflect not on our doing, but what environment we have been nutured under. and when another gets mad in the house - its not okay, but when you blow up - its okay? i'm human too for crying out loud. dependant? hell no. you want me to depend on you more like it. i'm 20 and i'm still wearing diapers? bah.
i already said its my fault. i'm taking the blame for MY actions. no one else is at fault except me. geez. its not like i got her pregnant. its not like i killed her. its not like i've been selling my body. its just a freaking bill - not a death sentence. bah. it CAN be fixed.
my money is going to a waste? hold on. the point is, it's MY money. even that, i cant have control of? geez.
you talk about hardship, so what? everyone's got something up their's. its all the same.
how can you say that it'll never be accepted? so now it's forbidden? bah. try and stop me. oh well.
the many times that you've caught me in a "bad mood", are you even sure i was in a bad mood? i'm seldom in a bad mood. most of the times thinking, but rarely bearing a grudge. it's when people piss me off that i give back an attitude. everyone close to me knows that. and shouldn't you? i was calm. real calm. but you had to blow my top off. there are days where i would be praying with her, and you'd take it like as if i just came back from hell. but in truth, i was praying with her. we were talking to God. is that so bad? why? dont you talk to God with your husband? defending her? bah. i'm defending myself. its not about her, it was about me. it was about my choices, my desicions, and my actions. i take responsibility in such actions. i'm no baby who'd just cry, say nothing and run away. i'll stand up for myself. expect that. it's not disrespect. you took it as if it was. it's called standing up for oneself - welcome to the 21st century.
its not that i can live on my own, but damn, what do you want me to do? the way you find fault in every relationship that comes along the ways of your children is just uncanny. if there was an award for such things, you'd get it. like seriously, so what's your point? you want me to live on my own? sure. i'd do it if i have to. you suddenly got angry, hating another person's guts for your own son's actions? wtf?
you are obliged to him? oh please. save the crocodile tears. i'm not married to her? so what? i love her. isn't that what really matters? so you mean to say that if you weren't "married", you wouldn't be obliged? wtf? marriage was the contract? not love? wtf?! I LOVE HER! and that's why i don't feel obliged. besides, even if i was defending her, i bet you'd defend your husband in the same way too, wouldn't you? boo yah! right back at you~
oh please. i'm not letting her go. it'll take more than just a stupid bill. i already admitted my mistake, even said i'm sorry. i took down my pride. i even dared you to take a close look at the next one. geez. talk about being unreasonable.
and so i say that i have problems too, but look at my role models. talk about perfection? i see none. so dont expect anything like that from me. you want me to learn? well then, why cant my experiences be a learning process for me to be stronger? why can't my relationship be a stepping stone to a better me? why does it seem like you struggle for me in my relationship? you care? or you just really don't want to let go? we all go through problems, dont we? so you notice the really "bad days" but never notice the really good ones? wtf? so what's that suppose to mean? i'm suppose to back away from a fight? that's not how you taught me. that's not how i was raised.
in all respects, i'm just like you.
all problems i see in the world and in myself are related to YOU, not to her. you are the root of what my natural reactions to life are. dont go blaming someone else for it. you were there ever since day one. you should know better. i'm a direct reflection of you. so dont come crying to me telling me how much fault you've found in me and my life. I AM YOUR LIFE.
i'm grateful. but i'm not a pushover. not even her can do that. none of you can. no matter how much you love me, or no matter how much i love you, none of you can push me around just like that. i'd fight. and you know it.
i hit myself? i always do. you say you become mad? well you already were. and you do the same things whenever you argue passionately with anyone here at home. so save the tears because like i said, i'm a carbon copy.
geez. wind, blow it over.
no gift? haaa. we all pitched in. so why cant you say that to my sister, or brother? we ALL pitched in. bah. no gift? going up to Carnegie Hall for you guys wasn't a gift? so whats that then? you're not proud of me? then wtf? i went up there feeling proud to be one of yours, but hell - i didn't even get any sort of affirmation from none of you. geez. so that's suppose to make me happy?
for heaven's sake, know what you want.
then talk to me.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
music is a drug
music is a drug.
got caught in the eye of the storm recently. i'm glad we survived.
somehow, i welcomed the mixture of feelings that were rumbling through my mind and soul during these recent nights. crying myself to sleep never felt better. what else could i do but pray, hoping that the Mighty Hand would listen? i'm pretty sure He did. if He didn't, then we wouldn't be where we are now. then again, maybe it was just the choices that we made. but isn't that what we really are? "we are the choices we make."
the scorpion and the frog. heard of that story? was talking to friend and got reminded of this tale.
there was once a scorpion who wanted to cross the river but did not know how to swim. fearing to drown, it looked around for help and found a frog nearby. the scorpion asked the frog if he could help carry him across the river. the frog laughed at him and said, "i'm not stupid. you're just going to sting me." in reply the scorpion said, "i can't do that. if i sting you, i'll sink with you and die." So the frog after giving it some thought agreed to help the scorpion. the scorpion mounted the frog and off they went to the other side of the river. half way across the river, the scorpion stung the frog. the frog asked in surprise, "why did you sting me?" and in reply the scorpion said, "i'm a scorpion. i can't help it."
people do that. at some point in our lives, we drop our masks and reveal our true selves. and when our true selves show, we bring down anyone we cling on to (or anyone who clings on to us) even if we 'sink and drown' with them. we just cant help it. we cant pretend or act to be someone we're not forever. at some point in time, our true selves will emerge.
but what sets a human being apart from a wild animal?
our ability to make choices. animals cant make choices like we do. a fly would be attracted to a seemingly harmless light where it would electrocute itself and lead itself to death. a shark would go berserk with the smell of blood even if it was just a drop. a bear would protect its cubs even if there was just one. a frog would eat its babies just to fill their hungry tummies. a dung beetle would push a ball of dung and not a ball of hair. if humans were meant to be like wild animals, then we wouldn't be able to come up with languages, music or logic. we wouldn't be able to sort our complicated emotions. we wouldn't be able to fall in love and stay in love. we wouldn't be able to say yes to our God. but guess what... we did.
sounds nice as i praise our ability to be smart? not really. animals are so predictable. unlike humans. we can make choices. we can make a choice that no one would ever expect. and that's part of life. just like no matter where we are or what point we are in our lives, someone or something would expect some form of effort from us is also a part of life. the choices that we make is what makes us contradicting. this ability is what makes us so unpredictable. and that's why we're so unique. because we crave for so many things - freedom, happiness, inner peace, but all we have to do is make a choice.
so the truth still stands. "we are the choices we make."
***
i'm not leaving.
there is a bond too special,
it can never be broken.
no matter how unpredictable life can get between us,
i'll stay,
as your true friend,
your one companion,
and lover.
you are who you are,
but i love you,
and i love YOU.
because if i didn't,
i would have been broken by now.
no one can "act" for that long.
i have realized how i affected you.
i'm sorry.
but i'm full of gratitude.
i didn't think i'd get another chance,
to once again prove myself.
we're the same.
if we both sit down,
to stop and think,
and solemnly reflect,
we both would find that we're the same.
yet different.
but i'm not going away.
i can't.
i love you too much.
i love you. i do...
got caught in the eye of the storm recently. i'm glad we survived.
somehow, i welcomed the mixture of feelings that were rumbling through my mind and soul during these recent nights. crying myself to sleep never felt better. what else could i do but pray, hoping that the Mighty Hand would listen? i'm pretty sure He did. if He didn't, then we wouldn't be where we are now. then again, maybe it was just the choices that we made. but isn't that what we really are? "we are the choices we make."
the scorpion and the frog. heard of that story? was talking to friend and got reminded of this tale.
there was once a scorpion who wanted to cross the river but did not know how to swim. fearing to drown, it looked around for help and found a frog nearby. the scorpion asked the frog if he could help carry him across the river. the frog laughed at him and said, "i'm not stupid. you're just going to sting me." in reply the scorpion said, "i can't do that. if i sting you, i'll sink with you and die." So the frog after giving it some thought agreed to help the scorpion. the scorpion mounted the frog and off they went to the other side of the river. half way across the river, the scorpion stung the frog. the frog asked in surprise, "why did you sting me?" and in reply the scorpion said, "i'm a scorpion. i can't help it."
people do that. at some point in our lives, we drop our masks and reveal our true selves. and when our true selves show, we bring down anyone we cling on to (or anyone who clings on to us) even if we 'sink and drown' with them. we just cant help it. we cant pretend or act to be someone we're not forever. at some point in time, our true selves will emerge.
but what sets a human being apart from a wild animal?
our ability to make choices. animals cant make choices like we do. a fly would be attracted to a seemingly harmless light where it would electrocute itself and lead itself to death. a shark would go berserk with the smell of blood even if it was just a drop. a bear would protect its cubs even if there was just one. a frog would eat its babies just to fill their hungry tummies. a dung beetle would push a ball of dung and not a ball of hair. if humans were meant to be like wild animals, then we wouldn't be able to come up with languages, music or logic. we wouldn't be able to sort our complicated emotions. we wouldn't be able to fall in love and stay in love. we wouldn't be able to say yes to our God. but guess what... we did.
sounds nice as i praise our ability to be smart? not really. animals are so predictable. unlike humans. we can make choices. we can make a choice that no one would ever expect. and that's part of life. just like no matter where we are or what point we are in our lives, someone or something would expect some form of effort from us is also a part of life. the choices that we make is what makes us contradicting. this ability is what makes us so unpredictable. and that's why we're so unique. because we crave for so many things - freedom, happiness, inner peace, but all we have to do is make a choice.
so the truth still stands. "we are the choices we make."
***
i'm not leaving.
there is a bond too special,
it can never be broken.
no matter how unpredictable life can get between us,
i'll stay,
as your true friend,
your one companion,
and lover.
you are who you are,
but i love you,
and i love YOU.
because if i didn't,
i would have been broken by now.
no one can "act" for that long.
i have realized how i affected you.
i'm sorry.
but i'm full of gratitude.
i didn't think i'd get another chance,
to once again prove myself.
we're the same.
if we both sit down,
to stop and think,
and solemnly reflect,
we both would find that we're the same.
yet different.
but i'm not going away.
i can't.
i love you too much.
i love you. i do...
Friday, May 05, 2006
17th month.
17th month.
ohhh yeah. amazing. its so true what my love says, about how worth it everything will be in the end. if one was to ponder about what we're going through as a couple, many relationships pale in comparison. if you really think about it, we're "strong" people. and of course, it's also because of the love we have for each other.
i really admire how patient you are with me. furthermore, the way you put so much belief in me is unmatched by any other. and it's all the simple reason of because you love me. i wouldn't want to have faced the last 17 months any other way. so many lessons learned, and so many experiences shared. i'm just really in awe whenever i take a while and sit to think about what we have as a couple.
i am so totally in love with you.
HAPPY 17th MONTH ANNIVERSARY!
***
new look?
so people... obviously, i lost a bet on this one. Haha~
ohhh yeah. amazing. its so true what my love says, about how worth it everything will be in the end. if one was to ponder about what we're going through as a couple, many relationships pale in comparison. if you really think about it, we're "strong" people. and of course, it's also because of the love we have for each other.
i really admire how patient you are with me. furthermore, the way you put so much belief in me is unmatched by any other. and it's all the simple reason of because you love me. i wouldn't want to have faced the last 17 months any other way. so many lessons learned, and so many experiences shared. i'm just really in awe whenever i take a while and sit to think about what we have as a couple.
i am so totally in love with you.
HAPPY 17th MONTH ANNIVERSARY!
***
new look?
so people... obviously, i lost a bet on this one. Haha~
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
thoughts
thoughts.
it was 2000, in June, that the band came up with one of it's most memorable events - "torture night". haha. there was tension going on. everyone broke a sweat that night... some were even forced to reconsider if they should stay in the band or not. obviously, the band isn't for wussies. and a lot of us faced that harsh reality that night. i was just a young brat in those days. i couldn't even feel my body that night. i was just numb. and i'm sure most of the guys were too. how would you like it to run around the dirty, wet, rugby field in the middle of the night? oh yeah... they made us do sit-ups and push-ups and star jumps while running in what seemed as endless circles. sure, it was something none of us has experienced before but hey... it took a lot of guts from 12 year old boys to withstand such enormous pressure on our bodies. but we did.
come to think of it... that really perpared most of us for what's coming up ahead. my batch knew how to be serious at times when needed, and how to have fun when all things are in place. i have never seen my batch stop working to better themselves. they have brought the band to a whole new level. they were as serious, yet fun, in all ways. and what's so nice about the band was that we didn't really care about numbers. well, alrite, so yeah, we kinda did. but numbers were no where near our definition of "band spirit".
i was all about unity. i did a lot of "crap" in the eyes of the band memebers. not many would understand what was going through the head of their so called leader. haha. but i'm sure, that when my peers, and students, look back at the times that my face turned absolutely red because of shouting in anger, yet balanced with creativity and insight, most would find the wisdom that was behind it all.
i remember telling one of my ex-girlfriends, that she would never take "first place" in my heart... cause it was already taken by a family of musicians. the band has filled the gaps in my heart, and it was my second home. correction: it IS my second home. and always will be.
and to think... we've all grown up. most of us facing new challenges, some getting back their A's, and others going to the army and others just being themselves. well, whatever it is, they all came from one family... and they branched out their own products on the way. but to just remind you people, those of you who got back your scores for the A's... be happy! for those who are contented, you've got the world in your hands! and for those who aren't, well... those marks don't make who you are anyway. i'd say that to myself too you know... i'd look at my paper and go "well, getting a 72% in my math doesn't make Neil." and it definitely doesnt make you either. what you are is more than just what those marks present. realize that. you're still in control. remind yourself of that.
i miss you guys. greatly.
***
its been 15 months. whoa. it truly feels like it just flew by, then all of a sudden you wake up and WAHLAH, it's already 15 months since you first started out with the one you love. so yeah, before, i had this thing whereby i'd tell my girlfriend that she's not my priority... but i realized that it can't always be that way. haha. in fact, i realized that there should be a set of priorities for everyone, and we need to choose them really wisely. so i sat down and told myself that my love is actually one of my priorities. haha. lots would disagree and say that i'm still young. heck. i love her. and i'd rather learn from all these experiences now than later.
so happy though! hehe. 15 months! that's a first. hehe.
i realized that i'm not only in a relationship... i'm actually engaged. hehe. so cool. like i told my love, i could strike a pose and say "i'm engaged". haha. if only i had that dashing smile to wrap it up with. hehe. =D
***
Manhattan School of Music audition on Friday, March 3rd. ooo. i'm excited. i hope i do well. pray for me you guys? alrite??? -puppy eyes-
March is like crazy... March 10th, i'm performing in my high school. then on March 31st, i'll be playing in the Philippine Consulate, in Kalayaan Hall. ooo, then i'll have my Carnegie Hall auditions again next month! hopefully, i make it for the second time. =D
so yeah... busy busy busy. just took off to post something. got bored too. hehe.
it was 2000, in June, that the band came up with one of it's most memorable events - "torture night". haha. there was tension going on. everyone broke a sweat that night... some were even forced to reconsider if they should stay in the band or not. obviously, the band isn't for wussies. and a lot of us faced that harsh reality that night. i was just a young brat in those days. i couldn't even feel my body that night. i was just numb. and i'm sure most of the guys were too. how would you like it to run around the dirty, wet, rugby field in the middle of the night? oh yeah... they made us do sit-ups and push-ups and star jumps while running in what seemed as endless circles. sure, it was something none of us has experienced before but hey... it took a lot of guts from 12 year old boys to withstand such enormous pressure on our bodies. but we did.
come to think of it... that really perpared most of us for what's coming up ahead. my batch knew how to be serious at times when needed, and how to have fun when all things are in place. i have never seen my batch stop working to better themselves. they have brought the band to a whole new level. they were as serious, yet fun, in all ways. and what's so nice about the band was that we didn't really care about numbers. well, alrite, so yeah, we kinda did. but numbers were no where near our definition of "band spirit".
i was all about unity. i did a lot of "crap" in the eyes of the band memebers. not many would understand what was going through the head of their so called leader. haha. but i'm sure, that when my peers, and students, look back at the times that my face turned absolutely red because of shouting in anger, yet balanced with creativity and insight, most would find the wisdom that was behind it all.
i remember telling one of my ex-girlfriends, that she would never take "first place" in my heart... cause it was already taken by a family of musicians. the band has filled the gaps in my heart, and it was my second home. correction: it IS my second home. and always will be.
and to think... we've all grown up. most of us facing new challenges, some getting back their A's, and others going to the army and others just being themselves. well, whatever it is, they all came from one family... and they branched out their own products on the way. but to just remind you people, those of you who got back your scores for the A's... be happy! for those who are contented, you've got the world in your hands! and for those who aren't, well... those marks don't make who you are anyway. i'd say that to myself too you know... i'd look at my paper and go "well, getting a 72% in my math doesn't make Neil." and it definitely doesnt make you either. what you are is more than just what those marks present. realize that. you're still in control. remind yourself of that.
i miss you guys. greatly.
***
its been 15 months. whoa. it truly feels like it just flew by, then all of a sudden you wake up and WAHLAH, it's already 15 months since you first started out with the one you love. so yeah, before, i had this thing whereby i'd tell my girlfriend that she's not my priority... but i realized that it can't always be that way. haha. in fact, i realized that there should be a set of priorities for everyone, and we need to choose them really wisely. so i sat down and told myself that my love is actually one of my priorities. haha. lots would disagree and say that i'm still young. heck. i love her. and i'd rather learn from all these experiences now than later.
so happy though! hehe. 15 months! that's a first. hehe.
i realized that i'm not only in a relationship... i'm actually engaged. hehe. so cool. like i told my love, i could strike a pose and say "i'm engaged". haha. if only i had that dashing smile to wrap it up with. hehe. =D
***
Manhattan School of Music audition on Friday, March 3rd. ooo. i'm excited. i hope i do well. pray for me you guys? alrite??? -puppy eyes-
March is like crazy... March 10th, i'm performing in my high school. then on March 31st, i'll be playing in the Philippine Consulate, in Kalayaan Hall. ooo, then i'll have my Carnegie Hall auditions again next month! hopefully, i make it for the second time. =D
so yeah... busy busy busy. just took off to post something. got bored too. hehe.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
listen to the music...?
listen to the music...?
Sana maintindihan nyo to... pero ang aking puso ay umiiyak. wala akong nagawa buong lingo kung hindi umiyak ay ng umiyak. sumakit ang puso ko nang todo. hindi ko alam kung yung ginawa ko ay tama. sana naman tama. at kung hindi, eto nanaman ang luha.
grabe, walang tigil. parang hindi nya rin naiintindihan kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman ko. parang napaka-selfish din nya minsan. pero ito, its a sacrifice. okz nah yun, basta matuwa sya. minsan nga lang, parang baliwala rin yung ginagawa ko... lagi pa rin sya nagagalit saakin, tapos yun, hindi naman kami nagkakaintindihan kasi wala rin syang sinasabi masyado. oh well.
minsan, pakiramdam ko, na hindi nya ako pinapansin. lagi na lang ako naghihintay. pero ganun talaga, at ang layo nya. yet another fact i have to accept. pero cge, okay lang yan. isipin na lang na gaganda ang lahat...
kaya ko kaya pa nang isang pang ganun klasing araw? ang hirap. grabe. pero eto, buhay pa rin. salamat sa Diyos at buhay pa rin.
di ko lang maintindihan yung sarili ko... alam ko na mahal nya ko, pero gustong gusto ko na pinapansin nya ako. oh mans. parang isang bata talaga ako... tanga cguro talaga ako. hindi ko ba nakikita na mahal nya talaga ako?
***
my love's package arrived today! i'll take some photos and let you guys see. =D
thank you so much for the time and effort you've put in love. you're amazing.
thank you.
thank you.
thank you.
i love you!
Sana maintindihan nyo to... pero ang aking puso ay umiiyak. wala akong nagawa buong lingo kung hindi umiyak ay ng umiyak. sumakit ang puso ko nang todo. hindi ko alam kung yung ginawa ko ay tama. sana naman tama. at kung hindi, eto nanaman ang luha.
grabe, walang tigil. parang hindi nya rin naiintindihan kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman ko. parang napaka-selfish din nya minsan. pero ito, its a sacrifice. okz nah yun, basta matuwa sya. minsan nga lang, parang baliwala rin yung ginagawa ko... lagi pa rin sya nagagalit saakin, tapos yun, hindi naman kami nagkakaintindihan kasi wala rin syang sinasabi masyado. oh well.
minsan, pakiramdam ko, na hindi nya ako pinapansin. lagi na lang ako naghihintay. pero ganun talaga, at ang layo nya. yet another fact i have to accept. pero cge, okay lang yan. isipin na lang na gaganda ang lahat...
kaya ko kaya pa nang isang pang ganun klasing araw? ang hirap. grabe. pero eto, buhay pa rin. salamat sa Diyos at buhay pa rin.
di ko lang maintindihan yung sarili ko... alam ko na mahal nya ko, pero gustong gusto ko na pinapansin nya ako. oh mans. parang isang bata talaga ako... tanga cguro talaga ako. hindi ko ba nakikita na mahal nya talaga ako?
***
my love's package arrived today! i'll take some photos and let you guys see. =D
thank you so much for the time and effort you've put in love. you're amazing.
thank you.
thank you.
thank you.
i love you!
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
and so we meet.
and so we meet.
the auditions are all here. and they're all here at full swing. my heart is heavy... everywhere i turn, there is something on my path to tackle. i've never been tested in this manner before.
financially, my family's crapping. 250 bucks just to have a lesson with Mr. Aranov. Sheesh. i'm not even sure if i can get into manhattan school of music. and so instead of finding support, i get bawled at. well... that's what you get Neil for being such a late bloomer. and if the other schools accept you? what happens to the 250 bucks? gosh... i'll just pay for it then.
and what about Mr. Berstein? i hope he's not gona tell me that he'll be charging 250 bucks too. gosh. that's such a huge whole in my pocket. i'll be paying for both anyway. oh well. i duno where i'm going with all these...
i know i have to hang on. but i don't even know if i'll be able to get what i want. God's never gona do that, He'll only give me what i need.
i've been so stressed out that i broke down and cried to myself for half an hour. My love was trying to comfort me... but she only got frustrated cause i wouldn't tell her what's wrong. i duno. i feel like i've been to harsh on her too. reality is, if both of us are always this stubborn, we're gona find it difficult to cope with a lot of things. i'm not gona lie, i've been trying. in fact, i've been trying really hard. but when you feel so low about yourself, its not hard to feel stressed up, anxious or depressed. but i just strive on.
i don't really know who to turn to. as of now, the one i love isn't very happy with me. oh well. i feel stressed but what can i do? choose to be stagnant? feel even more stressed? do something about it? but what? oh well.
well, if only i knew what Jesus would do...
the auditions are all here. and they're all here at full swing. my heart is heavy... everywhere i turn, there is something on my path to tackle. i've never been tested in this manner before.
financially, my family's crapping. 250 bucks just to have a lesson with Mr. Aranov. Sheesh. i'm not even sure if i can get into manhattan school of music. and so instead of finding support, i get bawled at. well... that's what you get Neil for being such a late bloomer. and if the other schools accept you? what happens to the 250 bucks? gosh... i'll just pay for it then.
and what about Mr. Berstein? i hope he's not gona tell me that he'll be charging 250 bucks too. gosh. that's such a huge whole in my pocket. i'll be paying for both anyway. oh well. i duno where i'm going with all these...
i know i have to hang on. but i don't even know if i'll be able to get what i want. God's never gona do that, He'll only give me what i need.
i've been so stressed out that i broke down and cried to myself for half an hour. My love was trying to comfort me... but she only got frustrated cause i wouldn't tell her what's wrong. i duno. i feel like i've been to harsh on her too. reality is, if both of us are always this stubborn, we're gona find it difficult to cope with a lot of things. i'm not gona lie, i've been trying. in fact, i've been trying really hard. but when you feel so low about yourself, its not hard to feel stressed up, anxious or depressed. but i just strive on.
i don't really know who to turn to. as of now, the one i love isn't very happy with me. oh well. i feel stressed but what can i do? choose to be stagnant? feel even more stressed? do something about it? but what? oh well.
well, if only i knew what Jesus would do...
Friday, February 03, 2006
the 14th.
the 14th.
its been 14 months since we've started out. well, to put it simply... it's been amazing. lots of learning experiences. and yes, i'm putting an effort into changing my habits. i want to see you happy. and i'm going to try my utmost best to please you no matter what. sounds crazy? sure. but people do crazy things when they're in love.
i've fallen hard for you. haha. =)
but yes, we're not making new walls for ourselves, but new dreams. i've built my dreams around you. and it was so touching how you said that you wouldn't let me give up on me, or on you. *HUGS. you're so awesome.
i'm blessed to have someone like you.
thank God i found you.
you're the one who's perfect. haha.
i love YOU.
its been 14 months since we've started out. well, to put it simply... it's been amazing. lots of learning experiences. and yes, i'm putting an effort into changing my habits. i want to see you happy. and i'm going to try my utmost best to please you no matter what. sounds crazy? sure. but people do crazy things when they're in love.
i've fallen hard for you. haha. =)
but yes, we're not making new walls for ourselves, but new dreams. i've built my dreams around you. and it was so touching how you said that you wouldn't let me give up on me, or on you. *HUGS. you're so awesome.
i'm blessed to have someone like you.
thank God i found you.
you're the one who's perfect. haha.
i love YOU.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
expectations
expectations.
no one truly understands the whole story. i'm complicated. and no one truly can grasp the meaning of that. to know what it truly means, they would have to go through the same battles that i went through.
at a young age, i was already made a leader.
i was given great responsibilities since young.
and my mentors, parents and friends found out that i was capable of performing.
and in performing, i meant carrying out my responsibilities.
i was able to answer to the authorities, with authority.
i was able to be a brother to a whole bunch of people who didn't even truly know me.
most never even tried.
they just knew one aspect of me.
i was able to perform in a hall, ever so famous, yet my deficiency on my possessive instrument was evident.
i'm not one of the best, but i run the race.
all i ever did was not to give up.
to give up is a question that will forever haunt me.
and you.
and some of my closest friends know how much of a fighter i can be.
or how much a survivor i can be.
i was able to pull my grades up!
though many of my SAS teachers would have thought of it as impossible.
i've had friends come up to me to talk about their lives.
i'd listen.
i'd pitch in some advice if i had any.
i have been hated for being truthful.
i have been loved for being true.
they were thankful.
they were angry.
i was joyous to help out.
i have taken risk after risk, and ended up in places not many people have set foot on.
not unless you know how to take risks yourself, you will never know why i am the way i am.
i braved through trials that seemed unattainable.
but i fell many times too.
even cried my heart out at night.
i left home.
twice.
make that three.
i've left faces.
and met new ones.
in which i don't even remember all.
i've loved.
and i've been loved.
and now i'm in love again.
and being loved.
thank God for that.
i've been patient.
with myself.
and whole bunch of other people.
i hope my last straw is still far, far away.
i let my heart speak first, then my mind.
that's why my hands are always ready to reach out and help.
i went through many operations.
and went back on the operating table more than once in a night.
i've been touched by the Holy Spirit.
i've learned, but not taught.
i fell into a fight before.
alone.
and in a group.
i smoked.
i drank.
and i still do.
sometimes.
i've seen different places, and learned a great deal about people through travel.
but travel made me weary.
now all i want to do is settle down.
i've kept my chin up through the hard times.
be it my father leaving.
be it the lack of talent.
be it a heart break.
be it lonliness.
be it bad health.
be it whatever.
and my chin is still up.
makes heaven more visible that way.
but i'm only human.
that means i get tired.
who doesn't?
i was able to encourage, push and motivate.
and to some, even change their lives.
fancy that.
feel the irony?
i was given a talent, but i bloomed late. the piano is a monster. and my master. or at least in some ways. it could be hated for many reasons. but it could be loved for many more reasons. i have forgotten that if i want something badly enough, and that i work hard for it... the whole universe will conspire to help me make that dream a reality.
you're right, love. many push themselves but somehow find that the last stretch is the hardest. many give up even though they only had one more step to take to finish the race. what a waste. but that's why i still run the race, yes? i keep up. or at least try to.
even the best fall down sometimes.
two words. "only human".
no one truly understands the whole story. i'm complicated. and no one truly can grasp the meaning of that. to know what it truly means, they would have to go through the same battles that i went through.
at a young age, i was already made a leader.
i was given great responsibilities since young.
and my mentors, parents and friends found out that i was capable of performing.
and in performing, i meant carrying out my responsibilities.
i was able to answer to the authorities, with authority.
i was able to be a brother to a whole bunch of people who didn't even truly know me.
most never even tried.
they just knew one aspect of me.
i was able to perform in a hall, ever so famous, yet my deficiency on my possessive instrument was evident.
i'm not one of the best, but i run the race.
all i ever did was not to give up.
to give up is a question that will forever haunt me.
and you.
and some of my closest friends know how much of a fighter i can be.
or how much a survivor i can be.
i was able to pull my grades up!
though many of my SAS teachers would have thought of it as impossible.
i've had friends come up to me to talk about their lives.
i'd listen.
i'd pitch in some advice if i had any.
i have been hated for being truthful.
i have been loved for being true.
they were thankful.
they were angry.
i was joyous to help out.
i have taken risk after risk, and ended up in places not many people have set foot on.
not unless you know how to take risks yourself, you will never know why i am the way i am.
i braved through trials that seemed unattainable.
but i fell many times too.
even cried my heart out at night.
i left home.
twice.
make that three.
i've left faces.
and met new ones.
in which i don't even remember all.
i've loved.
and i've been loved.
and now i'm in love again.
and being loved.
thank God for that.
i've been patient.
with myself.
and whole bunch of other people.
i hope my last straw is still far, far away.
i let my heart speak first, then my mind.
that's why my hands are always ready to reach out and help.
i went through many operations.
and went back on the operating table more than once in a night.
i've been touched by the Holy Spirit.
i've learned, but not taught.
i fell into a fight before.
alone.
and in a group.
i smoked.
i drank.
and i still do.
sometimes.
i've seen different places, and learned a great deal about people through travel.
but travel made me weary.
now all i want to do is settle down.
i've kept my chin up through the hard times.
be it my father leaving.
be it the lack of talent.
be it a heart break.
be it lonliness.
be it bad health.
be it whatever.
and my chin is still up.
makes heaven more visible that way.
but i'm only human.
that means i get tired.
who doesn't?
i was able to encourage, push and motivate.
and to some, even change their lives.
fancy that.
feel the irony?
i was given a talent, but i bloomed late. the piano is a monster. and my master. or at least in some ways. it could be hated for many reasons. but it could be loved for many more reasons. i have forgotten that if i want something badly enough, and that i work hard for it... the whole universe will conspire to help me make that dream a reality.
you're right, love. many push themselves but somehow find that the last stretch is the hardest. many give up even though they only had one more step to take to finish the race. what a waste. but that's why i still run the race, yes? i keep up. or at least try to.
even the best fall down sometimes.
two words. "only human".
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