Thoughts

"All my life, all I ever did was look pretty. I'm on every mainstream magazine that one young fine lady can use to lower her already depleting self-esteem. My life was paved with gold because of my "golden" face and body. I've only kept one job in my life, and that is to look beautiful for people like you. I'm not even a good mother. And look, I'm not even pretty anymore..."

Interesting quote. Also interesting how this model thinks. Moreover, interesting to find that so many girls (and boys) look up to these pop-culture catalysts and regard them in such high esteem. Media portrays them as the epitome of beauty. They make sure that beauty - in all it's meaning, dignity and power - is found on the outside of ourselves and not within. Easily, our realities are twisted by such influential parties. And it's not only the media who does this, but also our friends, family, and even ourselves.

A lot of women would probably kill me for this statement I'm about to claim... but beauty products, clothing, lingerie, and even medical advancements in aesthetics (plastic surgery) do not provide you authentic security. They do not provide authentic beauty. And it most definitely will not provide you a permanent understanding (and eternal harboring) of a higher self-esteem.

All these things are not permanent. The kind of adoration, or appreciation, one receives from such temporary means, is also temporary - and to say the least, superficial. Are they admiring you... for you? Or are they admiring something else that hides the real you?

Am I saying that every woman I meet should not care about their appearance? Am I saying that it is bad to put on beauty products, wear clothing that will make a woman feel comfortable and make her feel good about herself? Am I oppose to lifting a woman's esteem, even if it is temporary? Am I oppose to the young lady who wants to go to prom looking like a princess?

No. I'm not.

I just happen to be an advocate of natural beauty. The type of beauty that can only be found if a person looks deeper than what meets the eye. 

[I cannot tell you what is beautiful. I may influence you, but I am not you. You may disagree with me. Perhaps, you may even say that beauty is found on the faces of people, their bodies or what they put on (or take away). You can tell me whether you are a "boob-guy/gal" or a "butt-guy/gal". I won't confront you with negativity. You may even tell me that the "rest of the world" do not agree with my perspective on natural beauty, because almost everyone is consumed by today's pop-culture. It's like telling me that no one cares because "everyone is doing it". No matter what I say, or do, people will behave the way they do because it is what it is. And there are so many factors that contribute to the manifesting of this foolishness.]

So in silence, I would be thinking of telling you, "go to hell." But I think you're already in it.

Real beauty, just like God, is found only when you accept it (it exists everywhere, even within you). Real beauty, just like Faith, is challenged everyday but never falters. Real beauty, just like Hope, is hard to find but will always be there. Real beauty, just like Joy, is not just felt but also understood. Real beauty, just like true love, is not just thought of but experienced and shared.

There are many examples I can give you whereby a person has taken a superficial matter/object/act/deed (call it whatever you may) and have mistakenly labelled it as a virtue. Some people have even mistaken true love for something that it is not (like sex, or money). Some people worry more about feeling "accepted" than finding their natural beauty. They reason with me with the kind of relativist approach and spit out words like, "that floats my boat, Neil". Well my friend, be prepared because at some point, that boat will sink.

At the end of this post, I do not plan to change anyone's mind. I have won half the battle if a person has taken these words and read them carefully, and later reflected on them. And for that, I thank you.

God bless, and may everyone find the courage to step up to what is true and eternal. Find yourselves within the midst of the chaos, and most importantly, believe that you can find the beautiful person that God made you to be.

For What It Is Worth

I've always been curious how it feels to flirt with someone new. I've always wondered how it feels to have my childish/flirt-ish tendencies be reciprocated. In fact, I've always wondered exactly how creative I could be in my flirting experiences with someone. I wonder how they'll react, how they'll smile, and how they'll blush etc...

[I wonder...]

But it really doesn't matter.

At the end of the day... at the end of the day, I'm alone.

Sigh.

Done

Done with juries! FREEEEEEEE AT LAST!

*****

i sometimes wonder if it really is all that bad to try and understand you better. why did it have to elevate into something negative? to you, it was apparent that i was, "making a big fuss" out of something you may consider as small. but i don't share the same sentiments. and i was only trying to put myself into your shoes by asking, with an honest heart - not trying to make a bigger fuss out of anything.

sigh. sometimes, i feel like i can't understand you because you don't want me to.

Day 6

Tired. More time to sleep means more time to get ready for Juilliard game this weekend. Excited, but at the same time stressed.

Will be praying for safety.

Day 5

Am I the only one asking questions about myself to better my mentality about our relationship? Do you not think of how you can help me to be happy? Am I alone in that too? Why am I working so hard if I'm the only one doing this?

Sigh. You don't think I love you for who you are? I want to... why would I be doing this? Sigh.

I feel like you don't love me for who I am... Sigh.

Day 4

Moving fast you are, my friend. You have to take it easy. The woman may be seductive, but learn how to play it safe. I'm happy for you. It is encouraging to see that you are working out your relationship and that your past is now a resource, and not a burden. Well done my friend!

Conducting is my art. I love it. I hope that I get into intermediate conducting with Prof. Lubman. He is probably one of the best conductors Eastman has. Saw him in action today, and I must say that he is very expressive. I want to learn from him as much as I want to learn from Dr. Scatterday, and Dr. Weinert. They're all so versatile in different ways.

I've had the biggest scare today though. I was practicing conducting when I suddenly realized that my left hand was shivering a little. It was scary. It's still shivering a little. Not a lot, but I can feel it. Perhaps I'll go to the doctor and get it checked out.

*****

I get so angry sometimes. I keep giving excuses, pushing blame back and forth between the both of us in my head. It seems never ending.

I wonder every now and then why you are still loving me. I'm not the best. I feel like you deserve better, and that you deserve so much more. Look at me... I'm a disgust.

But then again, I would also think that there is no one in this world that can love you like I do. So then... why do I feel so unworthy?

I hope you're taking this break seriously... and wisely...

Day 3

I'm so happy for Danny and Luke. They are now experiencing the first stages of being in a relationship. It is a great step for the both of them because they have not been in a relationship for for quite a while now.

It is ironic. They came to me for advise. But look at me. I'm the one struggling.

*****

Just watched the movie Away From Her online today. It was powerful. But one of the conversations that the characters struck me...

"What if she's punishing me?"

I thought about it for a minute, and I suddenly started feeling slightly depressed. Perhaps, I am being punished. I have no idea how to handle the situation now, and I may have no clue how to handle it later. What if I'm thinking that nothing bad really happened, but she thinks otherwise?

But do I?

I have no clue. Have I really been forgiven? Have I really been understood?

I have forgiven you...

Even though everything that was, is my fault. And I deserve whatever you throw at me...

Sigh.

Day 2

Dead tired. Played a league game today, and my muscles are still sore from paintball, and soccer practice yesterday. It is just too bad that we lost this game. I let the team down because I had an open shot and missed it. I also got tackled from behind. It hurts, I dropped to the ground like a huge rock. Pisses me off because some people NEVER play fair. I hate playing with people who have no morals. I got past him and was about 5 feet away from the goal. He rebounded quick and ran after me to slide from behind, without caring for my well-being. I was ready to exchange some words, and if need be - some fists. I kept myself in-check, and reminded myself that it is in forgiving that we are forgiven.

But the jerk told me, after I got up, "sorry dude, I thought you were shooting." What has that got to do with anything? Jerk. Of course I was going to shoot. I wanted to score, and you stopped me through illegal means!

Oh well. It's over with. Just can't wait till next weekend when we go down to my hometown, New York City, to play against Juilliard. I hope it's going to be fun!

And don't even get me started with juries. Yuck~

*****

I don't understand myself. I feel like I'm the burden of your life. I feel like I can even back this claim up with so many things that I have done (not to mention, the things I have NOT done). It is just troubling, and I don't understand why I should be waiting for something to happen to relief me from these punishing thoughts. Perhaps, I could write down all these thoughts, and sort them out... yeah... I should.

Praying the rosary everyday has been helping a lot. I've been a lot calmer than I was a couple of days ago. Stress is always a factor, but I know I can use it to my advantage. Thank you Mother Mary, for looking after my loved ones and I. That takes a whole load off my shoulders, knowing that they are being looked after.

I also need to stop making excuses in my head, and just keep taking action toward a better mentality. I can't always rely on an external force. Change needs to happen from within, no matter how much help I get from the outside. Soon, I'll be able to make sense out of these troubling thoughts.

Day 1

Played my first paintball game ever. It was so much fun! Getting hit hurts, but it was worth it. I have two "battles scars" that I'm extremely proud of. Among my other scars, these two are the most painful. One hit me right above my temple. It was a sweet shot, and it hurt really bad afterward. The very first time I got hit, I was shot on my right thigh. That one really hurt too... maybe because my opponent was only 5 feet away from me.

On that same day, we had soccer practice in the afternoon. That was a blast, considering I was playing goalie and every time I dove and hit the ground, my bruises from paintball would jolt with pain at the same time. Lol. No pain, no gain.

*****

I'm not leaving you. I just need to calm down a little bit so that I can be a better friend and lover to you. I want the best for you... because you do not deserve any lesser. And I blame you not. No need for apologies. You have the right to assume that I have a problem, because I myself am not running away from the fact that there's something terribly wrong with the way I think about certain things. And it needs fixing.

You're right to say that if we were close to each other, so many things are going to be fixed. However, the point remains (and it will always be a factor in our relationship), that the distance between us is incredible. I'm not saying this right now as an excuse. Perhaps there are times that I do use it as one. But let us be reminded that rather than running away from it, we could/should acknowledge it and turn this great obstacle to our advantage.

Thank you for your email. It was a beautiful sharing. I hope that you're taking this break seriously, and wisely. I hope we both emerge from it, victorious and refreshed.

I miss you.

I love you. Always.