have faith.

have faith.

Our Father (the prayer Jesus taught us)
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed by thy name;
thy kingdom come;
thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive us our sins
as we forgive those who sin against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Holy Mary (we ask our Holy Mother to intercede for us)
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with you!
Blessed are you among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

(take some time to talk to our Holy Mother...)

Glory to the Father (afirmation of our faith)
Glory to the Father, and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit:
as it was in the beginning,
is now, and will be forever. Amen.

Angel of God (we trust that God will send us His protection)
Angel of God
my guardian dear
to whom God's love,
entrust me here.
Ever this day
be at my side
to light and guide
to rule and guard. Amen.

POWERFUL NOVENA
O Jesus, Who hast said,
ask and you shall receive,
seek and you shall find,
knock and it shall be opened to you,
through the intercession of Mary,
Thy Most Holy Mother,
I knock,
I seek,
I ask that my prayer be granted.

(Make your request)

O Jesus, Who hast said,
all that you ask of the Father in My Name,
He will grant you through the intercession of Mary,
Thy Most Holy Mother,
I humbly and urgently ask Thy Father,
in Thy Name,
that my prayer be granted.

(Make your request)

O Jesus, Who hast said,
Heaven and earth shall pass away,
but My word shall not pass,
through the intercession of Mary,
Thy Most Holy Mother,
I feel confident that my prayer will be granted.

Prayer to the Sacred Heart of Jesus
O Heart of Jesus,
Fountain of every blessing,
I adore you,
I love you,
And with a sincere sorrow for my sins,
I offer you this poor heart of mine.
Make me humble, patient, pure,
And obedient to your will.
Grant that I may live in you and for you.
Protect me in the midst of danger,
Comfort me in my afflictions,
Give me health of body,
Assistance in my temporal needs,
Your blessings on all that I do,
And the grace of a holy death. Amen.

Jesus, Gentle And Humble Of Heart,
Touch Our Hearts And Make Like Your Own.

the difference.

the difference.

not everyone asks for help... but i'm naturally capable of lending a helping hand.

but how weird can weird get when the one you truly want to help doesn't ask for help, and doesn't seem to accept the help you wish to give.

so i suppose that's just too bad? yeah... sure.

i believe in karma. what you give is what you get. but i also believe in fucking up. haha. i expect too much.

my past that so called shaped me to who(what) i am is full of crap. sigh. wish i could go back and be a different person. someone more "perfect". yep. then maybe i wouldn't need to think so much. maybe i would have been more like you. and then we both would be happy. and maybe, i'd be satisfied to the fullest extent. maybe that's why we have problems communicating. because in the back of our heads we say, "some things never change". i wonder why.

i'm aware of my flaws. and i don't know what to do about them. all i know is that i'll hurt you again. oh well.

we're fully aware of the power of "choice". but sometimes, our humanity overwhelms us and our nature to be ignorant takes over.

i don't know how you do it. you don't let it affect you. using the power of choice? most likely. i guess i'm just more humane? haha. or maybe i'm just really weaker. my heart seeks for the hurt. its so weird. i say i'm used to it. but am i, really? haha. only one way to find out.

i want to help. but i don't know where to start. so i just pray. i don't know. i'm beginning to feel lost again.

i've been making it so hard for us. sigh.

i want to apologize... but i don't know if i'll be forgiven. i've said sorry too many times already.

sometimes, i feel like we don't know what we want. and we give excuses for the real feelings that are deep down inside us. that's not being truthful though. but we can't help it. we're both cowards. we don't want loneliness to fill our guts.

i'm prepared for the worst though. i just hope i don't break first.

God... keep me strong.

God... keep us strong. Amen.

a chance.

a chance.

- what was it I said that made you angry?
- anger? uneasiness? irritation? weariness? and then pain comes... and it let's you live again?
- living double standards? and it's complications?
- running through your head? what?
- what is it you want of me now then?
- why do i feel like you're running away?
- why do i feel a sense of fear from you?

i'm so lost. i don't understand anything anymore.

***

you say you are selfish. but i think i can handle that. you already know i'm a fool for you. you already know that given an opportunity, i would call you. given an opportuniy, i would die for you.

so where do i stand? am i to stay, or to go? i don't understand what you want of me now. but nevertheless, i still say what i've said more than once before, that at the end of the day, i'd still be here loving you regardless.

i love you to the extent i'd go away. all you have to do is tell me.

it's not painful anymore. the pain has subsided. now, i'm numb. i don't know what to feel except to feel lost.

GOD KNOWS I LOVE YOU.

***

i fail You. and i fail you. and i fail me.

i've been resisting the cold. i've been intuned with spiritu mundi. i feel it's presence everywhere i go. and so i think of myself as an alchemist. i am a "man of the desert". and yet i fight the cold. i can talk to the wind, the sun, the sky, and even the animals. i share with them my spirit, and they do the same with me. the voices i have been hearing all throughout my life have emerged to something more haunting. i can't explain it. but i'm not afraid. it is not evil. that i'm sure. in fact, the feeling is divine.

maktub - it is written.

i suppose it has been all the praying i have been doing. for hours i have been praying. i amazed myself for i never thought i could do such a feat on my own. oh well.

have faith.

11 months

11 months.

we've shared so much.

thank you.


it just keeps getting better and better. the amount of love i have for you is mounting up to some infinite entity. go figure. we started out as friends, clicked from then on. and after a few months, we're suddenly partners. soulmates even. we still remember our first romance, our first phone chat, even our first "kiss"! and it feels like it was only yesterday. it's just so beautiful, love. thank you. for everything.

it has been a massive learning experience for me during the past couple of months. i was trying my best to be there for you. forgive me if there were times where i fell short of my goal. and forgive me for the times where i made you feel exasperated. "it wasn't you, it was me". and to set the record straight, i'm still learning so many things about you everyday. i just pray that you don't stop giving me the space to grow slowly with you. as you know, it takes time for me to process certain things. and to those certain things, i just pray we always come up with a compromise.

it's been tough on both of us. but that's okay. because at the end of it all, you and i conquered our obstacles. and we will be conquering our future obstacles together! i may have acted on impulse during the times of hardship, but later on my heart was set in giving in to you. i always give in to you. i don't know why. i guess i'm afraid i might lose you if i become stubborn and had it my way instead. i hope i've not deprived you from your dreams.

i love you greatly. and it's just amazing how we both have been working things out for the past 11 months. you're just simply awesome, love.

Happy 11 months my beloved!

i love you so much. period.

i yearn for you to let go.

i yearn for you to let go.

the last few days were punishing, but valuable. praying to God was always one of my fortes, especially at times of trouble. i ought to be careful not to seek Him only during bad times, but also during the good. well... it just so happen that these times are harder than most trials i've been put through.

i love you with the love of the Lord. this is why love is reason enough for me. God's love is reason enough for me. reason enough to be patient, kind and respectful. but i grow weary... why? because i'm only human. no matter what anyone says, being a human being means we naturally depend on other human beings for something - anything. and sometimes, we lack the capacity to be generous. but that's all right. being under God's guidance calls us to be forgiving. i believe that it can be very hard. to forgive others, and to forgive yourself, isn't the easiest action to take in this world.

but i am always called to...

so i found the famous 1 Corinthians 13 in the bible helpful...

I may be able to speak the languages of men and even of angels, but if I have no love, my speech is no more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell. I may have the gift of inspired preaching; I may have all knowledge and undrerstand all secrets; I may have all the faith needed to move mountains - but if I have no love, I am nothing. I may give away everything I have, and even give up my body to be burned - but if I have no love, this does me no good.

Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.

Love is eternal. There are inspired messages, but they are temporary; there are gifts of speaking in strange tounges, but they will cease; there is knowledge, but they will pass. For our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are only partial; but when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.

When I was a child, my speech, feelings, and thinking were all those of a child; now that I am a man, I have no more use for childish ways. What we see now is like a dim image in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. What I know now is only partial; then it will be complete - as complete as God's knowledge of me.

Meanwhile these three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love.

***

the good news is always a refreshing truth to hear. =)

i have been fighting so many battles inside me recently... and i'm trying to find my footing once again in this world. what i hate about these trials is that when one foundation is shaken, the others seem to be affected too. i'm like... dang. can we build up on strength one after another instead of cramming it all into one? haha.

well... as long as you're happy. and so as long as the others are too. =)

so i still pray that God keeps me patient and strong. =)

because all that matters to me is that i be there for you. =)

i just love you so much.

la na...

la na...

baka mawala ko sya. hindi ako perfecto. kahit ang pagibig ko sa kanya, baka mawala. mahal nya ako. alam ko yun. at kung iiwanan ko sya, ako ang malalagot. hindi ko alam tuloy kung ano ang gagawin ko kasi... ayo ko rin syang saktan.

nagkamali ba ako? hindi ba na sya na talaga ang aking mahal? ewan ko ba. minsan, parang oo, minsan, parang hindi.

ang tanga ko kasi. ninakaw ko ang sarlili kong kalayaan. binigay ko lahat sa kanya. eto tuloy, ngayon na hindi ako makawala, parang gipit na gipit ako. walang hiya naman tung buhay ko...

pagibig... ano ka ba talaga?

dasal ako ng dasal. naririnig naman kaya ako ng aking minamahal na Panginoon? sana naman. ayoko talagang masaktan. at ayoko ko rin syang saktan. she's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

tama nga ang kanyang kapatid. hindi na pareho ang buhay namin mula nung umalis sya. sana naman, hindi sya ganun sa sarili nyang kapatid. okay lang na ako ang iwanan. kaylangan nila ang isa't isa. at ako? sana kaylangan nya rin ako.

hayy. kaylangan nanaman akong magdasal ng todo-todo. bah.

well, for what it's worth... mahal kita May. mahal na mahal kita...

the little kids

the little kids.

during Sunday school, my students were suddenly all very energetic. they kept coming at me with profound questions. kids nowadays are smart. the trick is, you have to be smarter.

1) "why do we die?" asked by Rachell (8 years old).

answer: because we have to. haha. nah. because we want to get to heaven. that was my answer. heaven is complete happiness, and everyone wants and deserves happiness. and heaven is the ultimate home. i was happy i was able to come up with that as an answer. one thing, the kids knew what true happiness is. any kid could tell you what happiness is. it's the simple things in life. kids are most fond of that. try asking a grown up what happiness is all about... they'd give you all sorts of crap. while some might say, "having no worries." the truth is, no worries means to think like a child - to be carefree. the problem is, in whatever society an adult lives in, a "responsible" woman or man is seldom given a chance to be carefree. not many adults can afford to be free of worries. why? because we're responsible. ah. the irony.

so having said that "we die because we need to go to heaven", the kids started imagining.

2) "would i be able to use magic to create whatever i want in heaven?" asked by Jennifer (9 years old).

answer: most probably. however, i gave the kids a better understanding by stating... "in heaven, you would be so happy that you won't even think about wanting anything more. so why create what you want? when you're already so happy and satisfied?" in other words, once you get to heaven, you will never want anything else because you already have the ultimate joy. no other material possession can sway that happiness off your heart. so you won't even need magic. haha. the kid's bought it. whew~

3) "is heaven worth it?" asked by Miguel (8 years old).

answer: why not? if heaven is overrated, then why is there one? haha. it's so evident that heaven exists. don't believe me? fine. go and swim in the shallow waters of the sea of Cortez. that's in Mexico by the way. er... just try not to get eaten by the giant squids. GIANT SQUIDS? yep. hehe. but if you get a close encounter with "death", and "live" after that... you'd find yourself closer to God - whom is also heaven because He's the creator. hmm... you might tell me that not all people, after having gone through a terrible accident/near-to-death-experience, actually turn into good persons. er. really? ha. let me know if there's a woman or man like that. i'd love to meet them. all people know the values of their lives when they die, and live again. the question is, do YOU need to go through a horrible experience just to know that your life is valuable? do you need to die and live again just to know heaven exists?

YES. HEAVEN IS WORTH IT. because it exists.

Jesus said that the kingdom of God is within you.

finding peace in yourself is one of the best gifts you can give to yourself. that's heaven within you. if you are able to find peace by yourself, then that's great. but i bet you'd find more than just peace if you are able to invite Jesus into your life and find that peace He wants you to find.

thanks to the children, i've been able to answer some of the questions in me. haha. at least they won't bother me for the next few years. hehe.

***

so my love went to Australia. hehe. i hope she's doing great. like i said, it doesn't matter what i'm feeling, let alone whatever worries or fears in me... i know i can trust in the Lord, and in her, that everything will work out for her - and for us.

i love you so much dear. all the best. and God bless.

all that matters to me is that i be there for you...

10 months!

10 months!

when someone tells me, "you're beautiful" - i take it as a compliment. but when my love tells me i'm beautiful, i take it as the truth. why? because truly, there isn't any other person in this world that understands and knows me better but her.

it's true. no one knows me like she does. and no one knows her like i do. right, love? haha.

we'll talk more about this. i think you deserve a little more explaination. then again, maybe not. haha.

but i do pray love, that when i say "you're beautiful" - and i mean it - you take it as the truth as well.

happy 10th month anniversary my beloved. you're awesome. =)

the mask.

the mask.

hindi na man nya alam kung malakas ako. wala lang... lagi kasi akong nakikinig, basta, dun at dun lang lagi ako para sa kanya. hindi ko na man matitigil ang liwanag sa kanyang katawan. pero... pwede akong gumawa ng lilim na pwede tumakip sa kanya. eh di, wala nang araw. oh diba... ang galing ko talaga.

lagi nyang sinasabi sa akin kung ano ang nagyayari sa kanya. walang nakakaalam na takut ako sa laman loob ko. kasi ang dami rin nya ng mga kaybigan na gusto sya. eh kung kunin nila sa kin ang minamahal ko? ayo ko nga.

pero mabait pa rin sya sa akin. kasi laging nanduon pa rin sya para sa akin. ang dami dami nyang pwedeng gawin pero binibigyan nya pa rin ako ng oras sa telepono.

ewan ko ba. mahal nya ba talaga ako? kasi ang dami nya rin ginagawa sa ibang lalake na medyo uncomfortable ako. pero siguro... okay lang. hindi na man niya sinasabihan na mahal nya sila. pero hindi nga ba? ma tanong nga.

hay. sumasakit lang ang puso ko sa pagiisip nang mga eto. gusto lang tumakbo o lumipad. minsan, ayo ko na nagiisip.

kaya nga lang... mahal ko sya... ang tanga ko talaga.

Home

Home.

i walked up to May's window and took some twigs in my hand. i could tell, from the time of the afternoon, that she just woke up from her nap. so i started grabbing her attention through throwing those little twigs at her window. and as they pattered on her window, i noticed a curious shadow moving about. i gazed at the shadow harder. my eyes twitched as it began to focus and realize that my eyes were capturing the love of my life. i was careful. the shadow could have been her mother. but there she was, as beautiful as ever. so i called out her name, "May, May! let's go." she gave me a smile, which signaled two things; an assurance that she'll be joining me soon, and the sense of joy - running through her veins - as she was about to meet the love of her life.

she didn't take long to come down. she knew how beautiful she was to me, so vanity wasn't an issue. she came down as she was. and i too, without having to dress up nicely, came to her as i was. and as she ran into my arms, a brief sense of relief came over me. my heart began to beat slower - a sign that it was comfortable. it was a sign that i was holding my other half. a sign that it was where we belonged.

so i said that i was taking her away today. that we would get away from reality for a while. she smiled reassuringly. as much as i wanted to take her away, she gave a look that told me that she wanted to be taken far away too. so in order to fulfill such a yearning, i gave her a tighter hug. giving her a sense of tingling by cuddling her in my arms. i cautiously looked up her window once more, just to check if the higher authorities were far from sight. fortunately, they were.

i took her to the bus stop where we waited for a while. all this time, i had my arms around her. she clenched her fists while grabbing some of my t-shirt across my chest. she was very near me. May rested her head on my chest, while i was putting my arms around her. she whispered, "my love, i feel so protected." i smiled. i only thought of making her feel even warmer. i used my chin to move her head up so that we could look at one another. so i gazed into her eyes, and without saying anything, i told her i love her.

the bus came. as we boarded, her curiousity was aroused. we have never taken that bus before. and she knew that neither of us knew where it was going. but we boarded anyway. she looked at me, and gave me an anxious look. "it's okay. we're not going to be lost." so i reached out for her hand, brushed my fingers in between hers - and held it tightly. i gave her a smile which seemed to comfort her... because she held my hand tighter too.

in the bus, i refused to look at her. i know inside my heart that my love was going to a place farther than before. and i was saddened by this fact. not devastated, but weary. i have departed from so many people before, and have gone to far places myself. but i have never gotten used to saying farewells. it has always been hard for me. my emotions get all caught up inside, and build up to a point where i would not be able to control it. i didn't want to cry in front of May. i wanted her to know that i was strong. i wanted to show her that i'm still confident of our relationship. so i thought i should not meet with her eyes too many times, because my emotions might just show. although i could tell, from the way she was holding my hands, and the way she rested upon my shoulder... that she knew something was bothering me.

the bus made its last stop. the driver looked at us. we looked around. no one else was there except the both of us. we were so caught up in our own world that we didn't notice the people alighting before us. the experience was eerie in it's own special way.

"get down you two love birds. i tell you what, i know that if you walk a little to the north, you'd meet up with the shores of the beach. it's around sunset. it'll be nice." the driver said.

"why thank you kind sir. i didn't know it'll bring us here." i said in reply.

"just get down." the driver turned off his engine and alighted himself. but as he stepped down, i saw his mouth utter while shaking his head, "kids nowadays." his eyebrows met to portray sarcasm.

i stood up while still having May's hand in mine. she too stood up and alighted the bus with me. it was a given that we would be walking north. we wanted to catch the sun set. we knew how wonderful it would be. and since we were together, we knew how the occasion would be more dramatic.

when we got to the beach, we sat down on some huge rocks lying around. the horizon was beautiful. i still refused to look too much into her eyes. i still had the fear that she might get the wrong impression. the impression that i'm not strong enough to bear this relationship even though she is going away. if there's anything that she wants me to do, she would want me to be strong. but she also knows how hard that would be for me. because she understood that i drew strength from her. and she too, draws her strength from me.

so i took the initiative to let her know that i'll be strong. and that she needs to be strong too. "you know, Love, there was once a Man who walked on water. while His friends were fishing, they saw a figure walking on water. from far away, they shouted, 'who are you? are you a ghost?' but the Man on the water kept walking towards them. His friends were petrified. so they shouted once more, 'who are you?' and then the Man replied, 'it is I, Jesus.' one of His friends, Peter, asked if he could walk on the water with Him. Jesus invitingly called Peter towards Him. Peter stepped on the water and was able to walk on it. but the winds blew harder and the waves weren't as calm. Peter started to sink, and shouted to the Lord, 'My King, help me! i am drowning!' Jesus came and helped Him up and reprimanded Him, 'what little faith you have!!!'

all of a sudden, May's grip became tighter. she understood where i was trying to get at. "yes love, i know you'll have faith in Him. please, have faith in me too." she said convincingly.

"i do have faith in you and Him." i replied while taking her into my arms.

"then have faith in yourself as well." she hugged me tighter and caressed my back.

we just took each other into our arms. while watching the sun set. the skies represented the majestic heavens, and we represented the love that was the product of God's. she push herself gently away from me, and looked up. i was hesitant to look at her. but she wanted me to. and i knew it. so i did. and there she was, staring at me. i had no other option but to stare back at her. i felt weak. my eyes mounted up tears. i cried, like a baby would, in front of her. she held me, and looked at me sternly. it was her special way of letting me know that everything was going to be okay. it wasn't because i didn't want her to leave. by all means, she has to. it is her personal legend. Muktub. but i just wanted to hear her promise me over and over again that WE were going to be all right. that she was going to be okay. and that WE would still be... well... WE.

i summoned up some courage. and smiled. i kissed her. and whispered in her ears, "it's late. i should take you home."

without any pauses in between, she replied, "i am home." she hugged me tighter...

THE RIGHT ONE.

THE RIGHT ONE.

after more than 6 hours being on the phone with May, i've realized something...
we're crazy. lol. but it's as real as it can get.

how are we able to do such a feat? i duno. there are so many things we share. and its always non-stop. and i just love every single bit of it. i would work to make this relationship carry on until the end of our lives. no ending. not at all. i'll be an "irritating shadow". hehe.

so she prayed with me. and i was so touched with the way she prayed. it was simple, but i could tell from the sound of her voice that the amount of faith she has in the Lord is tremendous. it has been a long time since i prayed with someone. and in fact, it was her first time praying with someone. but although we were both "rusty", we felt very good afterwards. our relationship is based on many things, and one of them is our faith in God. we know how He has helped us along our journey. if it wasn't for Him, we wouldn't have met.

"if two or three are gathered in My name, there I will always be..."

and then the "stare". i've realized many times in our journey how much i need her. but at times like those, my heart cries. why? i duno exactly. but it cries. it just does. but in May's on way, she's always able to calm my eccentric spirit. she's always able to reach out and keep me warm. she has this power to reassure my heart that it is in her safe hands. she gives little words, but gives plenty of her own heart. and from then on, it's just mutual. it really is wonderful. there is no one in this world that i have been able to connect with, to such a point where not much words need to be exchanged.

maybe it's love? then again, it could be love. no wait. it is.

***

my love, the support and guidance you've given me is priceless. it is so valuable that i will be keeping it with me forever. i'm sorry for the times i've been "bad". and also for those times that i've hurt you. i didn't mean to. but love, i thank you for the wisdom you've shared with me. also, and most importantly, i thank you for the love you have been showering upon me. your patience is outstanding. a crappy person like me is just so hard to deal with.

but look at us. we're so strong. and we're growing stronger each day. we've been giving each other opportunities to grow. how lovely is that! not many can do that. but you and i have done so. and that makes us cherish each other even more. -smile-

i'm just really proud to be yours...
i'm so proud to be with you...
and i'm just so proud of you...

i just love you so much, May. i love you.

6 hours? that's nothing. i bet we can do more. if there's a will, there's a way? haaa!
if there's LOVE, there is already a path that's paved with gold...

9 months!

9 months!

how wonderful was it? haha. VERY.

i just feel so proud to be with you love. there are really no words to describe it. and i really hope you feel the same too. =)

i love you so much. we've gone through a lot. we ought to be proud of ourselves! =)

on a side note... i've been working out lately. and the funny thing is... i've been gaining weight. i was like, "wth?" haha. but my doctor says that its okay. it is actually because i'm gaining muscles, and muscles weigh heavier than fats.

so i was like... but i'm doing this so i can lose weight a little. and he's like... but you're also doing this because you wana look nice, right? ooooooo.

haha. oh well! =) if anything... only May will enjoy that anyway. hehe.

=P HAPPY 9 MONTHS LOVE!!!

great minds

great minds.

i've always fancied them. they have their own battles that they have fought, and won. and some, lost. i've been reflecting lately on some of their lives... haha. trying to live like them perhaps? i keep asking myself, what makes them the genius they are?

i can never fully comprehend their minds, but i'm sure just like most of us... they feel their emotions just like any of us would.

and i believe i have schizophrenia. i hear voices. yikes. oh well. i just ignore them though... is that bad? my friend who's studying to become a doctor says it may be depression... but... i'm not depressed what. haha.

oh well.

then i linked that to the "great minds"... haha. they had their own "mental illnesses" too. weeeeeee! becoming like them perhaps? haha.

***

i have been reflecting upon how i've been influencing my siblings too. haha. my sister would have never known how to ride a bike if it wasn't for me. she would have never met Kai, if it wasn't for me. my lil bro would have never been able to shoot the basketball if it wasn't for me. and his computer wouldn't have been running if it wasn't for me either... haha.

i love em. i'll take a bullet for em.

***

those great minds, most of them have, or at least had, wives. haha. and the more "succesful" great minds have had only one wife. yep. that's amazing... because it takes a lot of comprehension and patience on the wives' part. hehe.

mi love, would you stick by me like the great minds' wives did? haha.

even though i think i have schizophrenia? haha.

oh well. you're my doctor, May.

My One True Mate

Now, now... this has a copyright on it so you guys can only read this, but not re-write it. =) even if you do... just quote me. thanks. appreciate it... =)

*My One True Mate*

When you said that I was your dream come true,
I grew a pair of wings and like a bird I flew.
Can we live those memories again?
I wouldn't want this dream to come to an end.

For life without you is simply incomplete,
and life without you, happiness depletes.
So stay with me and don't let pain pass by
Together we'll grow our wings and like the birds we'll fly.

God is there a test that I can take?
To know if she is mine to keep for lovers' sake.
Remember when I said that you're my dream come true?
Till now you're that dream so don't bid me adieu.

For you inspire me to write the songs I sing,
And you inspire me to keep my world shining.
So stay with me and don't let pain pass by,
Together we'll grow our wings and like the birds we'll fly.

On my knees I beg you please don't leave,
Because I love you truly and my care I'll give.
No matter how long or far I will wait,
My heart belongs to you, my love, my one true mate.

hey love, i know rite, so cliche. haha. but i could tell you liked it though. =) haha. just wana say thanks to my "teachers" and to those who have helped me with the inspirations. =) most especially to you, May. *HUGS, my little princess...

haha. argh! i can't believe i wrote this! haha! oh well! LOVE YOU MAY!

was never easy...

two versions of St. Francis' prayer...

the first...

THE PRAYER OF ST. FRANCIS

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen.

the second...

Lord, make us instruments
of your peace.
Where there is hatred
let us sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is discord, union;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that we may not
so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood
as to understand;
To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving
that we receive;
It is in pardoning
that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are
born to eternal life.

Amen.

i pray that i may be able to stand by this... and that i may be an example to many. =)

the complete package...

so i got a little tipsy because i celebrated our 8th month anniversary. and so when i drank, i was reminded that next time around, when its our 2 years, or 3 years anniversary, i'd be with her drinking once more. haha.

but yeah... its awesome. its been too magnificent. sometimes i even feel that i'm "unworthy" of the kindness that God has given me - her. i love you May, i really do.

a little re-cap...

the first day was kinda scary. she had a reputation for disliking guys from SA. well, that's pretty ironic. haha. but yeah, i had a reputation too. but whatever it was... our reputations broke down in a snap of a finger. just like that, our lives became intertwined, and the perplexity of living our everyday lives has become more enjoyable. all of a sudden, there was reason to breathe again. all of a sudden, life became meaningful once more.

but like all human relationships, we had our rough times too. we've learned much from one another, and we continually do as we grow in love each day. i'm just so thankful that despite my demands, she has stayed with me all these while. =)

i just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, May.

thanks for all the times you've opened up to me,
thanks for all the smiles you've brought me,
thanks for the joy,
the hope,
the peace,
the company,
the kisses,
the hugs,
the patience,
the compassion,
the encouragement,
the lessons,
the lectures,
the ring,
the promise,
for being you,
for making me feel brand new,
for making me - ME,
for allowing me to be ME,
for trusting me,
the warmth,
the belief,
the faith,
for being so loyal,
for being so faithful,
for being so trustworthy,
the wisdom,
the guidance,
the support,
and above all... thank you my little princess for the LOVE that you have given me.

with you, i am growing as a person. and with you, i see things clearer. with you, i feel that there is no better place than earth. with you, i feel that heaven is earth. with you, there is constant yearning, and with you, there is infinite satisfaction.

thank you for the most wonderful 8 months of my life. and as we march into the future, i pray that our love grows more with each day. indeed, an exponential curve. =)

i love you. i love you so much. *HUGS thank you.

-neilzmuzic.

the trees...

the trees...

sometimes, its easier to live when you know everything else is falling apart. it's hard to comprehend it. and i feel like there's no answer for the questions, except from within ourselves. and there are many a times where i feel like a revelation has come forth... but in truth, it is just another experience for us to grasp and learn from.

its like when i was walking down the sidewalk, going to work, and i noticed how the trees are so... unfathomed by anything we as humans have. what do they have? patience. lots of it. they are but the best example, i feel, to any of us. trees stand there on the sidewalk, swaying to and fro as the wind caresses each leaf. and when the wind becomes destructive, most trees either just dance with the howling storm or get uprooted and blown away. either way, they do something most of us humans can't. and that's swallowing our pride. they would rather get "hurt" than babble how their lives should be (and not to mention) how other peoples' lives should be. most people see the birds chirpping on the tree branches... and they think it's a beautiful sight. i just realized how much these birds take these trees for granted. they sit still on the tree, build their nests, and litter the branches, without having to clean after themselves. how ironic, for the trees provide them shelter, a home, and warmth. qualities so many of us would give to our love ones, but sometimes fall short of these qualities to give because we expect appreciation in return. in which, in most cases, our love ones fall short of giving. so when our love ones, like the birds failing to clean up after themselves, fail to give appreciation, the trees' leaves wither when winter comes. and each and every part of the tree becomes cold. what can i say? "cause and effect". when winter comes, the birds migrate to the South. fancy that, they look for warmth in another place. that's so ironic, for so many of us have lost their love ones to other "warmer places" too. and mind you, when summer comes, the story unveils the same way. though the first tenants do not come back to occupy the tree, a set of new "love ones" come to call it home. so yet again, the story repeats itself. the birds occupy the tree, it calls it home, "takes it for granted", though the tree still gives all the qualities of love, and then winter comes and these birds leave. leaving the tree cold and barren. ever wonder why the trees' bark is so bitter in color and so rough? in biology, when i was young, i was taught that the bark was some sort of "protective layer" to fend off enemies. but despite this protective layer, the trees still get hurt by other animals; by scratching their paws unto it or running those chainsaws against them. but like all the other trees do... they just stand there patiently, until their very last breathe. and then fall to the ground. dying. in pain. despite everything it has done for the world, it's name is not remembered. relate that to us. so many of us have fought many battles... but in the end, it seemed like it wasn't worthwhile. so why bother? after all, like the trees, you too will die.

on the other hand, these trees love what they provide. besides, it's not like they have a choice. but if i was a tree... i'd feel exactly the way i described it. but then again, maybe i don't need to be a tree to feel that way. maybe, i could just be me. AND THEN AGAIN, JUST LIKE THE TREE, I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO PROVIDE UNCONDITIONALLY... and to accept that i'd rather get hurt and suppress what we all have (to a certain degree) - our ego.

i need help.

oh well.

-neilzmuzic.

hay naku

just got through an operation. took out my ingrown toenail. ouch.

the pain is crazy. it can get unbearable sometimes.

oh well.

o?

oh ano nah?

eto, okee lang.

in deep thought most of the time. Carnegie Hall auditions on April 10. i MUST make it through. i'm not failing this one. no brothers and sisters, i'm not failing this one. haha.

i love you May. i'm wrong about wanting it to end. i want it to last. forever. i love you May.

neil s. reyes, know your place man. be a friend. and that's it. know your place. know your place.

it's a song. haha.

oh well.

eto.

eto ulit ang makulit. haha.

wala lang. walang magawa eh. blog tayo.

as of now, i don't know what i'm suppose to tell my love. i mean, she knows i'm really happy for her. but oh well. its the way life walks for me. its been a trend with me to be far away from the one i truly love.

maybe its just the sick way of God playing with my emotions.

am i destined to be a spiritual leader? i doubt it. i'm so imperfect. too imperfect. perfectly imperfect. beat that. haha.

i've only ten fingers. i don't think i can count anymore loses.

oh and by the way, i'm not inlove with two people. i love her and only her. yes, you might say i'm a flirt. but so what? you think flirting brings you happiness? think again. because at the end of the day, you're going to be at your bed and you'll be thinking of how shallow everything was. besides, it's all a mask. why wear a mask you ask? come on. like as if you don't wear masks. haha. i bet you do too. just that it's different from the one i have on. anyway, i'm just really glad to know that i'll live by to see through this turmoil.

it's beautiful what i have, but it's ugly what is given to me.

can't feel. can't touch. no hugs. no regular calls. no walks, nor runs. no sharing of that single strand of sphagetti. no movies. no dating! no dinners, nor lunches. not even breakfast. so beyond my reach.

oh well. it is the sick way God toys with me. He's training me for something bigger. oh well. Thy Will Be Done.

i don't want to fight too hard against Him anyway. i've lost more than a million times. i'm like, "okee". haha.

sure, i do love her. but seriously, sometimes you just can't help but think, "is love enough?"

sigh. i wish it would never end though. but somehow, i kinda do.

ay

so discouraged by the fact that she might go somewhere else... however, i know i should try to be happy for her. bluntly put, "it's her life". oh well.

la lang...

Neil S. Reyes...

no one knows this blog anyway.

just feel like losing it. i didn't make it to the finals. the piano auditions were great cos apparently, the judges liked my playing. oh well. i guess i'm really just not good enough.

looked over some old emails. wow. i can't believe some of them. i've stored soooo much email. some memories were beautiful, mesmerizing, and some painful. i'm getting old...

i don't know what to do to you... i just love you so much. i feel like i can die happy right now at this moment. and i don't even care if i went to hell. cos being loved by you was already heaven...