Bliss

God is good.

People

Just had a chat with one of my residents. I didn't know he was feeling so weary. I hope his relationship works out to be okay in the end. I told him not to count too much on Time as a healing factor, but rather - view Time as a means to getting used to remembering the hurting things that has happened.

*****

I'm slowly beginning to set myself on a different path. It doesn't hurt as much anymore. And God truly has been kind to me.

Downtown Manhattan, NYC, Rockefeller Christmas Tree

Thanksgiving Day, Woodside, NYC

Caroline Rose Palser... a true friend indeed.

She's been having symptoms of Fibromyalgia. I hope it is not the case though. Will have to wait until Monday and see what the Doctors say. I just don't want her to be in constant pain. I wish there was something I can do. She says that me being there for her is enough... but I feel so... inadequate.

Oh well. I'm just praying it is not something too bad. I'm sure she'll be fine, by the grace of God.

I'm glad you enjoyed all the things I had installed for you during your birthday. I've never done anything like that for anyone... twas nice. =)

Where The Wild Things Are

In the end... most people really do only care about themselves. Even though we try to care for others, we fall short in our generous efforts because we will be held back by some influence.

 I just want to be in a place where I'm loved...

Big Baby

I figured out that I was just being a big baby. I didn't need to cry every night, I didn't even need to feel like I was being betrayed. Happiness is mostly a choice, and she chose her path of happiness, and so I am convinced that I should be happy for her.

It's just weird. Till the last day, I was praying for you. I even prayed for all of these events to happen, just so you can be happy. I remember kneeling down at church, and uttering the words, "God, if there's someone out there that can help her forget me, then please let that man walk by her life. She needs him, whoever he will be, more than she needs me. It'll be great, as long as she's happy. And I'll be fine because I know you'll carry me through."

Life has many twists and turns... but when the twists and turns came whirling at me, I totally forgot about that prayer I so humbly petitioned to God. I wanted you to be so happy, and when you finally took the chance to be happy, I found myself crying and hurting because of the feelings of rejection, abandonment, and betrayal. But was it really all that bad? No. God answered my prayers... so I feel confident because yet again, God has pulled through for me.

After all, what greater love is there, but to sacrifice yourself for another friend. This is Christ's teaching. So yes, the bigger picture became clearer when I finally opened up to the blessings of the Holy Spirit. There was nothing to be afraid of, and nothing to regret. It was all in His plan.

I'm happy for you. And I'm happy for him.

*****

Caroline's been sick. And I'm not too sure if she'll be staying this semester. We humans depend so much on money nowadays. And Eastman can get too expensive. But I'm quite sure God will work something out for her and her family. I'll be upset if she leaves. She's been such a good friend.

And I still can't believe that there are more than 400 songs written with "Caroline" as the/a topic. But why?! Lol! The name's not any more special than "Neil". Maybe I'm just jealous. Perhaps, I want more than 400 songs written about my name too. Haha.

She's cute though... she got cold the other day, and made me give up my sweater. Haha. She looks like a dork.

On another day, she was telling me about harp-stuff (which sounded greek to me). I kinda switched off for a little while and realized that she's still cute even when she's sick. Haha.

Oh well... but I've been thinking. Thinking a lot.

We have fun. =)

Trippy.

I'm not totally free (yet). I'm still caught up with you, even though I already know that you're totally over me. You are. Actions speaks louder than words. 

You're so over me that you've sold your body to him... already.

That's fine. I guess nothing we ever shared counted anyway.

*****

Rants

I'm losing a friend to fate. I may not be totally free from you, but I'm not stupid. I know healing is a long process, especially with the way you've dumped me. DUMPED. Literally. But you know what? I suppose it was worth it. For you at least.

Such a great friend for "being there" for me. And what's that? Did I hear you say that I will always be your baby? BULL SHIT.

Like I said, actions speak louder than words.

You say that you are plentiful of fear too? BULL SHIT.

The way you act doesn't seem like it. What fear? You've sold yourself to him already.

But you know what? That's fine.

I'm working on making it through... and I will. And I'll be victorious. Always was, always am, and always will be.

KARMA - watch out, it's coming.

And you wonder why I'm so fucked up inside? Look at how you're treating me!

Whatever. You don't care for me as much as I care for you anymore. I wonder why I still wake up and hope that you'll call me back and want me back. I don't know why I still love you. I don't know why I hope for things that will never come, ever again.

I hope you the best of luck with him. I suppose everything truly is a lie. And fancy how in the end, it was you who made it all a lie.

All right... enough of the rants. I don't like making you feel bad... even though I truly feel like you deserve it.

But you don't. You don't deserve all that crap I gave to you... and now, you are so much happier, and you are enjoying the fruits of being with someone who is right there for the taking. I envy the fact that you're on your way to the road of companionship.

Sigh. Regrets... that's all I'm filled with. In the end, nothing was ever worth it. The rings, the dreams, the promises, everything seems so... discarded and thrown away.

Oh well. Sigh...

*****

Caroline Rose Palser

Thanks for trying to cheer me up. The Strong Museum of Play was amazing. I love kids, and I guess you knew that. So I'm grateful for your efforts to pull me up from this slumber. The Butterfly park was really nice too. I thought flying bugs freaked you out? Liar. Haha.

But this was trippy...

Me - trying to smile for the camera.

Caroline - getting into the flow of things.

I had a wonderful time, thank you!

Living Day By Day

That was quick. That was really quick. Sigh. I can't believe that there is still so much anger in me. Has it been suppressed in me all these times? Why can't I just let go?

You built me up... made me confident about myself, helped me grow... and then you took so much away... that hurts. Haha, I just realized that that was an understatement.

I've said this before, but I would never get tired of saying it... it is just so unfair.

Get over it, Neil. You are once again the path... not the man. You're supposed to be used to it by now.

I miss that feeling of being able to say, "I love you" and mean it... and feel loved in return. I miss the feeling of being cheeky, but all with good intention. I miss the feeling of being able to treasure someone and make her feel special. I miss making  her laugh, smile, and feel good about herself. I miss doing all that, but truthfully meaning it. I miss the feeling of being able to tease, and being teased. I miss the feeling of getting up in the morning and thinking of joy to be with a wonderful person, and ending the day with that one person in mind. I miss the feeling of crying because my heart is filled with joy. I miss the overwhelming sensation of feeling loved, and the kind of warmth that only one person in this world can give you...

These days are gone. They have passed. And I'm struggling to let these feelings go. No more for me... none at all.

And now, you have someone else to share all these wonderful feelings with. Oh crap. That's really quick. It may have not happened yet... but I'm sure it will. Soon enough, I'll slowly be nudged out of your heart, and someone else will take my place. Nah, its okay. It's the way it goes...

But I would give anything and everything just to get those feelings again... but I don't think I'll achieve them any time soon. It could be a very, very, very long time before I could open up again. And when I do open up, I'll feel so vulnerable, that I may just end up reverting to what I feel now. Bah, oh well.

Has anyone cared enough to try and realize how it feels to be just a path, and not the actual person? Then again... no one understands what I'm saying when I mean "path" and "person". Oh well.

I've been broken before... but I've never been broken this much. And I don't understand why the process of putting the pieces of me together is taking so long.

Maybe... just maybe... I really loved you. And perhaps... I still do.

Sigh. God, please help me let go so I don't have to hurt so much. I don't like this state that I'm in. Please my God, I beg of you... grant me the strength and courage to face up to my own foolishness. And help me forgive myself for all the wrongs I have made...

I want to fall in love again...

Caroline Rose Palser

If I hadn't woken up, would I have been asleep forever?

What makes us compassionate? Through our understanding of Suffering. A Suffering that is inevitable in this world. A Suffering that we share through many various forms. But that is why I don't like leaving anyone behind. That is why I have a genuine care for people around me. That is where my compassion for you stems.

I've been told that I look to God for help a lot. Well, I do, but how does God truly help me?

Through people. God doesn't zap my heart with warm fuzzy feelings whenever I'm sad, or when I'm in need of His love. He won't come down from heaven and give me a big hug, and He won't erase my problems instantly (even if He could). Instead, His kindness and love for me is manifested through the people that are being used as His instrument to console me. And these people don't even know it. I do seek God, but I'm not oblivious to the blessings that He showers upon me. Through my environment, God answers my prayers.

It is no miracle. It is not that hard to understand either. I pray because I'm His child. I pray to Him because I acknowledge Him as my God and Saviour, friend and brother. But as far as being nurtured by Him... I let myself learn from the persons that He sends my way.

Through people, I see God's face.

Through people, I hear God's voice.

Through people, I feel God's love.

So trust me when I say that God loves you... all you have to do is allow yourself to be loved by Him. No one is stopping you except you. God is in control... He will never send anything your way that you can't handle.

*****

God is good. I know that He's giving me a second chance. And I gladly accept.

I'm glad you didn't walk out of my door. Thank you.

My heart's not as heavy as it was before... maybe someday I'll fall in love again...

Another Day

I jumped into the lake, and swam to the other boat. I was climbing the ladder just fine, and as soon as I got onto the boat... I noticed my hands were bleeding. George helped me cover up the wound. I have no idea how I got the cut. I'm not too keen on seeing my own blood though. The cut is long, but not deep. It'll dry out in the next couple of days.

Regardless of what I'm feeling right now, my responsibilities as a Resident Advisor is pretty much taking over my life. It is true what Luke said, "it is a way of life". For the most part, I agree. And may I just add that training week was so much fun. Long, long, very long days we all had. It was almost weird not to see everyone on that Sunday we had a "day off". We all know we needed that, and we all know that the best is yet to come.

I've not been able to sit down and think things through, but now that things are becoming more calm, I can begin my process of clearing my mind, heart and soul. I'm back at Eastman. I can now concentrate on the things that matters to me most - music. I embark on a new journey to tackle formal training on jazz. I hope it works out. And I hope that this semester does not kill me.

Speaking of thinking things through... I don't know how I truly feel about our situation anymore. I want to be endearing, but on the same token - practical. Life moves on quickly, and if I don't follow through, I will be left behind. On this issue, I tell myself that life will bring forth new beginnings. And one may soon be on its way. I hope for the best because hope is one of the few things that I can hold true.

And thank you to all my friends. All of you made it easier for me. I'm still in the process of healing, but surely I'll reach that stage of betterment. If there is anything that will spring out of these ashes, it'll be a smile on my face to recognize the better me.

Am I doing just fine? I suppose. I'm not doing terrible, that's for sure. Or at least I'm not doing as bad as I were in the beginning of this ordeal. "Shit happens", that's for sure. I just didn't think it'll happen to me. But then it did, so I was wrong. Who am I to judge? I am but one of the many wanderers of Life.

Am I still bitter about it? A little. I just wish things could have turned out a little better. But it will be okay. It seems like every thing has just passed anyway. And May doesn't seem to care anymore. And even if she does, she wouldn't do anything about it. I suppose the heart can only take so much - hey, if you've been with me, you'll know what I mean. Crazy is as crazy goes, but I'm to the point where whacky takes its definition. I'm sure there'll be someone better out there for her. I know God will take care of her. More lovely things will come your way, May. I just pray that you don't forget where you started.

So I guess I'll be on my way. I really appreciate this new role that I play in my school. It keeps my mind off things when I need it.

And May, you may say I'm a good guy... but everyone says that about me. But guess what, there will be plentiful of other good guys out there. And I'm sure one of them will be capable of loving you the way you want to be loved.

Be blessed.

One At A Time

i suppose it doesn't matter how much the dream was. i suppose what matters now is how much i can dream again.

i find myself struggling to socialize with people. in the midst of any crowd, i feel lonely. it is irritating because being with people is suppose to keep my mind away from straying into a dark abyss of tormenting memories. regardless, it is better than being alone.

i also find myself itching for the phone, dialing a forbidden number, and to run back to what was. but freedom has its price. and the price was losing me.

i took out the shoes of the two imagined kids, "Dante and Marissa". not even them could save me now. i had to apologize to the both of them because the dream was over. they were never meant to be reality. "mommy won't be home tonight... and neither will daddy. i'm sorry."

i don't want to be angry anymore, but i sometimes can't help it. i repeatedly ask myself what i have done to truly deserve this. have i not been able to redeem myself all these while?

questions after questions remain, and i can't seem to silence my uneasy soul. mending a heart never took so much toil, but at the same time i'm hopeful for a new beginning. i have faith, i just find it hard to show it.

how much do i really want to move on is still in question... but i really don't have any other choice.

besides, there are other things that are worthier to worry about.

Father, to you i commend my spirit...

Been Reading

So I'm thinking about "crossing over to the dark side". I've been reading up a lot about it. Forums after forums, articles after articles... I even got websites disputing other websites about their legitimacy. I probably have spent about 4 to 5 hours just reading up on it today. Is it worth it?

Will wait another year to find out. I need to do more research on it. As for now, I stay put.

Father's Day

I can't wait to be a father. And I hope to be a good one someday. I realized that I'm a "family-guy".

I can't help but think that everything I've gone through with you has gone to a waste. 3 and a half years of nothingness. It didn't go anywhere. It's okay though. You're free now. That's all that matters. You're happy, and I can tell. It's quite unfair. But what can I do? I fell for you in the first place. In the end, I'm the fool. If this is who you really are, then I hope you can find one good suitor out there that can appreciate your troubles with commitment. I just wonder why you tried to commit to me in the first place when you're just going to end everything because you love your freedom more than you love me.

Restricted? I'm so far away from you... I can only imagine how you'll feel if I'm there. It's just impossible. It'll never work.

The problem is... I'm so bitter towards you now. And it'll be a long time before I get a chance to actually heal.

This is worse than cheating on me. And you'll never understand how much you're hurting me.

Like it was in the past, so it is now (again)... "I'm just a path. not the person."

*****

I'm getting back into illusions. I really like tricks. Especially those where I can just borrow a person's ring, coin, scarf, necklace etc. And I love the new dice tricks that I've learned from Robert! Gosh... such a great guy. The first time I met him years ago, he was already showing off his magic tricks to me. haha

I'm glad that I have this job at the union. I'll be going nuts if I didn't have anything to do this summer. A particular someone just stopped caring. Oh well.

But anyway... as unfair as it feels, I'm going to be on the move. I just have to keep moving. Oh well. No point in crying anymore, even though sometimes I can't help it. No one is ever going to catch my tears anyway. Besides, I'm the only one crying. Tells me all the more that she's not worth it. If she can't sympathize with me, then all the more it makes me realize that this whole escapade is for the better of you (and you alone).

How selfish.

OH WELL.

The Path, Never The Man

for once, I am actually wishing that there is something nice/happy to blog about. every time I blog, it seems that my heart is aching etc. I hate it. I want to be happy. I just don't know how.

it really hurts though. you made the right decision for you. I'm the only one hurting, and you are up and about living the life... being happy. I wish I could be the same. it is just too unfair. 

my words... and actions... don't mean anything anymore. sigh.

*****

had the strangest series of dreams last night. I don't know what to make of it yet. But rest assured little girl (whoever you were), I'm always going to take care of you. thank you for holding onto my finger tightly as we walked through those places together. I hope you'll take care now...

*****

I don't know how much you are "growing" with all the fun that is surrounding you.

you're full of lame excuses. you just wanted to do whatever you wanted to.

How much growth can you make with the kind of lifestyle that you're having?

Give me a break. you liar.

you broke up with me for this? I see how it is.

*****

So many young adults nowadays are suffering. During the intense interviews, there have been interviewee after interviewee that has wept in front of us. their stories horrify me, and I'm not sure if it is pity or responsible concern that I feel towards them...

1) a young adult male who came from Bosnia escaped with his family to the USA because of civil wars over there. his mom survived 2 wars, and on the second war... she got shot on the leg. fortunately, she survived.

2) a young adult male was walking with what he thought was a friend he could trust. out of nowhere, gunshots were being fired towards them. little did he know that his so-called-friend was the one being gunned down. it was just unfortunate that he was at the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong company.

3) a young adult female was on her way home to school, and she was assaulted, and raped. she claims that the suspect did not understand English and this made her situation even worse. traumatized, she still finds it difficult to trust people.

4) a young adult male's brother meant everything to him. but his brother died last year. his brother was shot. suffering from mild depression, he wishes to be part of the Youth Brigade to get out of his turmoil.

5) a young adult male who has autism is trying to make a path for himself as he hoped to be part of the Youth Brigade. he wanted the opportunity to be great, like his father.

I hope the brigade could accommodate to everyone. the sad truth is, out of the 150 applicants, we can only choose 25. Good luck everyone.

*****

how much growth can you make if you do not hear stories as such? how much growth can you make if you do not take time to reflect? how much growth can you make if you do not pray? how much growth can you make if you do not seek for maturity at the right places?

how much growth can you make if you keep rejecting me?

Ungrateful

What if you're committed/attached, and you have a partner who makes it seem like you're just a lonesome book on the shelf? What if you're with that person and start feeling like you are just as good as you were before when you were single?

Yeah. I never knew I could feel like that. It is of course a mixture of emotions, but none of them are wonderful. Or at least I won't describe them to be wonderful. The word that pops into my mind is, "nasty". I felt lonely, despite the fact that I'm supposed to be attached. However, it was not one of those petty kind of loneliness that stems from jealousy, but rather it was a genuine sense of solemn solitude. It just hurts to know that there are no more sacrifices made. Or at least I don't feel like there are any being made.

Lame excuses instead of sacrifices.

The greatest of lovers knew what it meant to give all, and be part of each other's lives. Telling me that we have our own lives to live does not necessarily mean that we have separate lives to live. It feels like we have separate lives to live though. If that is the case, I do not see the point in staying in this relationship if all we're to do is look out for our own individual interests.

No more sensitivity, no more close hearted sharing, no more light hearted laughter. No more. There seems to be no balance to what one should be, and what one could be.

This is really pathetic. If I'm not appreciated, then why do I give so much effort to make you happy? Why give the effort if I'm the only one who is going to give it?

Well, I hope you have a happy life. Till then, I'll remain on the shelf.

Thoughts

"All my life, all I ever did was look pretty. I'm on every mainstream magazine that one young fine lady can use to lower her already depleting self-esteem. My life was paved with gold because of my "golden" face and body. I've only kept one job in my life, and that is to look beautiful for people like you. I'm not even a good mother. And look, I'm not even pretty anymore..."

Interesting quote. Also interesting how this model thinks. Moreover, interesting to find that so many girls (and boys) look up to these pop-culture catalysts and regard them in such high esteem. Media portrays them as the epitome of beauty. They make sure that beauty - in all it's meaning, dignity and power - is found on the outside of ourselves and not within. Easily, our realities are twisted by such influential parties. And it's not only the media who does this, but also our friends, family, and even ourselves.

A lot of women would probably kill me for this statement I'm about to claim... but beauty products, clothing, lingerie, and even medical advancements in aesthetics (plastic surgery) do not provide you authentic security. They do not provide authentic beauty. And it most definitely will not provide you a permanent understanding (and eternal harboring) of a higher self-esteem.

All these things are not permanent. The kind of adoration, or appreciation, one receives from such temporary means, is also temporary - and to say the least, superficial. Are they admiring you... for you? Or are they admiring something else that hides the real you?

Am I saying that every woman I meet should not care about their appearance? Am I saying that it is bad to put on beauty products, wear clothing that will make a woman feel comfortable and make her feel good about herself? Am I oppose to lifting a woman's esteem, even if it is temporary? Am I oppose to the young lady who wants to go to prom looking like a princess?

No. I'm not.

I just happen to be an advocate of natural beauty. The type of beauty that can only be found if a person looks deeper than what meets the eye. 

[I cannot tell you what is beautiful. I may influence you, but I am not you. You may disagree with me. Perhaps, you may even say that beauty is found on the faces of people, their bodies or what they put on (or take away). You can tell me whether you are a "boob-guy/gal" or a "butt-guy/gal". I won't confront you with negativity. You may even tell me that the "rest of the world" do not agree with my perspective on natural beauty, because almost everyone is consumed by today's pop-culture. It's like telling me that no one cares because "everyone is doing it". No matter what I say, or do, people will behave the way they do because it is what it is. And there are so many factors that contribute to the manifesting of this foolishness.]

So in silence, I would be thinking of telling you, "go to hell." But I think you're already in it.

Real beauty, just like God, is found only when you accept it (it exists everywhere, even within you). Real beauty, just like Faith, is challenged everyday but never falters. Real beauty, just like Hope, is hard to find but will always be there. Real beauty, just like Joy, is not just felt but also understood. Real beauty, just like true love, is not just thought of but experienced and shared.

There are many examples I can give you whereby a person has taken a superficial matter/object/act/deed (call it whatever you may) and have mistakenly labelled it as a virtue. Some people have even mistaken true love for something that it is not (like sex, or money). Some people worry more about feeling "accepted" than finding their natural beauty. They reason with me with the kind of relativist approach and spit out words like, "that floats my boat, Neil". Well my friend, be prepared because at some point, that boat will sink.

At the end of this post, I do not plan to change anyone's mind. I have won half the battle if a person has taken these words and read them carefully, and later reflected on them. And for that, I thank you.

God bless, and may everyone find the courage to step up to what is true and eternal. Find yourselves within the midst of the chaos, and most importantly, believe that you can find the beautiful person that God made you to be.

For What It Is Worth

I've always been curious how it feels to flirt with someone new. I've always wondered how it feels to have my childish/flirt-ish tendencies be reciprocated. In fact, I've always wondered exactly how creative I could be in my flirting experiences with someone. I wonder how they'll react, how they'll smile, and how they'll blush etc...

[I wonder...]

But it really doesn't matter.

At the end of the day... at the end of the day, I'm alone.

Sigh.

Done

Done with juries! FREEEEEEEE AT LAST!

*****

i sometimes wonder if it really is all that bad to try and understand you better. why did it have to elevate into something negative? to you, it was apparent that i was, "making a big fuss" out of something you may consider as small. but i don't share the same sentiments. and i was only trying to put myself into your shoes by asking, with an honest heart - not trying to make a bigger fuss out of anything.

sigh. sometimes, i feel like i can't understand you because you don't want me to.

Day 6

Tired. More time to sleep means more time to get ready for Juilliard game this weekend. Excited, but at the same time stressed.

Will be praying for safety.

Day 5

Am I the only one asking questions about myself to better my mentality about our relationship? Do you not think of how you can help me to be happy? Am I alone in that too? Why am I working so hard if I'm the only one doing this?

Sigh. You don't think I love you for who you are? I want to... why would I be doing this? Sigh.

I feel like you don't love me for who I am... Sigh.

Day 4

Moving fast you are, my friend. You have to take it easy. The woman may be seductive, but learn how to play it safe. I'm happy for you. It is encouraging to see that you are working out your relationship and that your past is now a resource, and not a burden. Well done my friend!

Conducting is my art. I love it. I hope that I get into intermediate conducting with Prof. Lubman. He is probably one of the best conductors Eastman has. Saw him in action today, and I must say that he is very expressive. I want to learn from him as much as I want to learn from Dr. Scatterday, and Dr. Weinert. They're all so versatile in different ways.

I've had the biggest scare today though. I was practicing conducting when I suddenly realized that my left hand was shivering a little. It was scary. It's still shivering a little. Not a lot, but I can feel it. Perhaps I'll go to the doctor and get it checked out.

*****

I get so angry sometimes. I keep giving excuses, pushing blame back and forth between the both of us in my head. It seems never ending.

I wonder every now and then why you are still loving me. I'm not the best. I feel like you deserve better, and that you deserve so much more. Look at me... I'm a disgust.

But then again, I would also think that there is no one in this world that can love you like I do. So then... why do I feel so unworthy?

I hope you're taking this break seriously... and wisely...

Day 3

I'm so happy for Danny and Luke. They are now experiencing the first stages of being in a relationship. It is a great step for the both of them because they have not been in a relationship for for quite a while now.

It is ironic. They came to me for advise. But look at me. I'm the one struggling.

*****

Just watched the movie Away From Her online today. It was powerful. But one of the conversations that the characters struck me...

"What if she's punishing me?"

I thought about it for a minute, and I suddenly started feeling slightly depressed. Perhaps, I am being punished. I have no idea how to handle the situation now, and I may have no clue how to handle it later. What if I'm thinking that nothing bad really happened, but she thinks otherwise?

But do I?

I have no clue. Have I really been forgiven? Have I really been understood?

I have forgiven you...

Even though everything that was, is my fault. And I deserve whatever you throw at me...

Sigh.

Day 2

Dead tired. Played a league game today, and my muscles are still sore from paintball, and soccer practice yesterday. It is just too bad that we lost this game. I let the team down because I had an open shot and missed it. I also got tackled from behind. It hurts, I dropped to the ground like a huge rock. Pisses me off because some people NEVER play fair. I hate playing with people who have no morals. I got past him and was about 5 feet away from the goal. He rebounded quick and ran after me to slide from behind, without caring for my well-being. I was ready to exchange some words, and if need be - some fists. I kept myself in-check, and reminded myself that it is in forgiving that we are forgiven.

But the jerk told me, after I got up, "sorry dude, I thought you were shooting." What has that got to do with anything? Jerk. Of course I was going to shoot. I wanted to score, and you stopped me through illegal means!

Oh well. It's over with. Just can't wait till next weekend when we go down to my hometown, New York City, to play against Juilliard. I hope it's going to be fun!

And don't even get me started with juries. Yuck~

*****

I don't understand myself. I feel like I'm the burden of your life. I feel like I can even back this claim up with so many things that I have done (not to mention, the things I have NOT done). It is just troubling, and I don't understand why I should be waiting for something to happen to relief me from these punishing thoughts. Perhaps, I could write down all these thoughts, and sort them out... yeah... I should.

Praying the rosary everyday has been helping a lot. I've been a lot calmer than I was a couple of days ago. Stress is always a factor, but I know I can use it to my advantage. Thank you Mother Mary, for looking after my loved ones and I. That takes a whole load off my shoulders, knowing that they are being looked after.

I also need to stop making excuses in my head, and just keep taking action toward a better mentality. I can't always rely on an external force. Change needs to happen from within, no matter how much help I get from the outside. Soon, I'll be able to make sense out of these troubling thoughts.

Day 1

Played my first paintball game ever. It was so much fun! Getting hit hurts, but it was worth it. I have two "battles scars" that I'm extremely proud of. Among my other scars, these two are the most painful. One hit me right above my temple. It was a sweet shot, and it hurt really bad afterward. The very first time I got hit, I was shot on my right thigh. That one really hurt too... maybe because my opponent was only 5 feet away from me.

On that same day, we had soccer practice in the afternoon. That was a blast, considering I was playing goalie and every time I dove and hit the ground, my bruises from paintball would jolt with pain at the same time. Lol. No pain, no gain.

*****

I'm not leaving you. I just need to calm down a little bit so that I can be a better friend and lover to you. I want the best for you... because you do not deserve any lesser. And I blame you not. No need for apologies. You have the right to assume that I have a problem, because I myself am not running away from the fact that there's something terribly wrong with the way I think about certain things. And it needs fixing.

You're right to say that if we were close to each other, so many things are going to be fixed. However, the point remains (and it will always be a factor in our relationship), that the distance between us is incredible. I'm not saying this right now as an excuse. Perhaps there are times that I do use it as one. But let us be reminded that rather than running away from it, we could/should acknowledge it and turn this great obstacle to our advantage.

Thank you for your email. It was a beautiful sharing. I hope that you're taking this break seriously, and wisely. I hope we both emerge from it, victorious and refreshed.

I miss you.

I love you. Always.

NEVER

I should have never explained anything. I should have just ignored your questions.

It's always something like this... Whereby one of us did something, therefore entitles the other to do the same. Sigh. Therefore, the hurts are constant, and the pain is never ending. No one learns how to forgive... nor how to be a Christ-like figure.

I hate this... I fucking hate this...

You'll never understand my turmoil. NEVER. So quit trying, and just let me be. Sigh.

Forget it... I need a break.

Step Aside

I felt like being a jerk towards her but then I realized that I pray the St. Francis' Prayer everyday. One line commits, "it is in pardoning that we are pardoned." As hard as it is to grasp the kind of compassionate wisdom that my brethren is trying to share, we need to at least find the courage to seek out our own hearts first and ask ourselves questions that may lead us to better understanding of ourselves and then our neighbors.

I have to take time off. I have been swallowing my pride many times this past few months and I thought I could cope. The past couple of weeks, I went along in not being in a bad mood (because of you), but it only worked until you did this. Indeed it shows that you do not understand what my turmoil is. You misinterpreted when I said that, "don't make it any harder for me." That is not addressing your bitterness towards me during that hour, but rather, I was trying to point out that you have to be mindful of your actions in general. However, I experience yet again that, that is not the case.

I need this break. I need to be able to pick up the capability to understand that you will never understand what my turmoil is. I need to do this in order for you to be able to do what makes you happy, and not get bothered by me. I have been giving you the same explanation ever since the beginning, but you never seem to fully comprehend where I'm coming from. If that doesn't work, then learning how to accept your ways may be a better form of solution...

and conform. Sigh.

I hate it. However, if it is the will of God, so be it. Let it be done...

Sigh...

towards nowhere

oh well. i don't know what i'm doing in this position.

God help me.

Angel

did i not do my best? if this is what it leads up to, then perhaps i could have done better.

i could have.

"thank you for loving me; guiding me; holding me; comforting me & so much more... for i know now that in love, everything is possible. Thank you for loving me & teaching me how to love in the process." - 10/19/07

everything is possible in love? i highly doubt that now. skeptical to the point that i feel anger inside me. betrayed, not only by you but also by my Father. sigh. if truly i have taught you so much, then why not put them into practice? in the end, my efforts truly seem to be in vain. sigh.

"baby, i realize that you do have your fears, insecurity and confusion. all these are guesswork, and if you wish, you can tell me if it's right, add on to it or just correct me. there may be times when you're confused as to why i "choose" you over others. i feel that, it is here that insecurity kicks in. you may ask yourself, what is it that i've that attracts her to me? what if she sees someone else with even better qualities then me? or, am i good enough for her? am i doing right? and, i think that it's behind each insecurity that the fear lies. so i kind of linked it as, confused questions that comes with insecured personal questions and masked fears behind each question. haha, i don't know how true. took me a while to came to this conclusion, but i'm always open to opinions and changes from you, love." - 1/26/07

i worked so hard to show you that i'm not insecure anymore. i struggled so hard... but yet, i do not receive a lot of acknowledgement from it. it is like as if my struggle did not mean anything to you at all. this, i think, is by far the greatest change i have in me. i'm more confident of myself, at least in this aspect. but now... i feel like it is all going to crumble down again. these are lessons i took from you. lessons that i put into practice in the new me. sigh...

"it's true that i like this life that i'm living. it's as though i'm free to hang out with people i want, lack of curfews, having my own space, privacy and the chance to do the things i want." - 1/26/07

i struggled to change for this reason too. i wanted to accomodate to your wants, and not just mine. sigh.

"let's learn from the mistakes and take the effort to grow. i apologize for my actions, and i am trying to think and be a better person now... baby, i hope i'm not flooding you with my ideas, thoughts and emails. if all are too much for you to think, digest and feel, then, just tell me, alright? i want to be a person who can take opinions and criticisms well from now on." 1/26/07

did you really mean that? sigh.

"another thing i've to confess is that, i make things a lot more drastic then they seem to be in my head. it's as though the angrier i feel (and i often use anger to project depression and weakness away), the more imaginative i get in my imagery and my emotions." - 1/25/07

remember when i warned you about emotional reasoning? you knew about it too, but i suppose you just didn't know how to label it. sigh. but you knew...

"indeed happy 2 years and 10 months. i feel happier now then i was when we first got together. maybe it's because i know we've both gone through our ups and downs, been emotionally close and apart, physcially apart, but yet one thing had always kept us close - Love. i look forward to the future now even more, feeling the motivation to overcome whatever that has to be over come; knowing that no matter how tough the next battle may be, we'll tide through it together, and all these, baby, because of you. so, thank you. you and i can always choose to go through our battles alone, definitely with God by our own individual sides. but together, our hands held and hearts together, faith & trust joined, i promise, a greater, richer journey awaits. to us, baby. i love you. always." - 10/1/07

sigh. i wonder where the truth in all these statements went to. now, i'm alon again. sigh.

********

i'm so stuck. i really don't know what to think or feel anymore. i thought i'd be the better person for you now. do you remember the email you sent on 1/02/07? if you have the chance to read that, you'll be surprised at how far we both have truly come. all of those statements were painful, but i went back to them knowing i can face the hurting past. but now that i read them all, i just crumble even more to think that we've gotten so far and yet we end up on another ditch. it is very frustrating.

but now, you chose to walk away. you assume that i am all "these things" that i feel i truly am not. sigh.

stuck.